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Archive for the ‘upper body’ Category

TIM RYAN CHEVRON JACKET

In Griffin, Tyler & Claudine, upper body on January 23, 2013 at 8:15pm01


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1. If you could style yourself what would you choose as the accoutrements?

A Marie Merci polo hat, a pair of Max C, original pants, an Alexander Wang bustier and a pair of Casadei pumps.

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2. If you can return as any person or thing what would it be?

The Quiero Club.

3. What is a dream you’re working on realizing?

A travel package for the Maasai people to come to our land and see first hand how we live so they too can return home and talk, and talk, and talk about the trip with an air of touching the void as opposed to just going on vacation, to another place, on this planet. Upon landing, transportation in the form of a mini-Cooper sitting on 17-inch anthracite rims, because the host is twee yet hard like that, will await you curbside. To give a little insight into the host, I should point out that up until around four months ago, she thought kosher and vegan were synonymous.

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From there, you will be whisked off to camp: a spacious, 2-bedroom located on the idyllic, tree-lined Sycamore Avenue, constructed in 1943 and said to be inhabited by Fatty Arbuckle’s ghost who’s been known to fondle the host on occasion while she sleeps. Buckle up!

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You will enjoy local fare at such places as Joan’s on Third, The Kings Road Cafe, Urth Cafe and Le Pain Quotidian, where you will “Don’t look!” look at the “lucky bitch” with the sick, Hermes, Kelly Doll bag, all three Jonas brothers and that guy the host has seen somewhere but can’t quite place but knows she either boned him two years ago, had a chem lab with him at Brown, or he had a small role on “Breaking Bad,” or he was a bad breakdancer she boned at Brown.

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You will then be taken to ancient spots such as the dive bar down the block to stalk the host’s ex while he partakes in dodgeball karaoke, rustic Runyon Canyon to see first-hand women hike in triangle, bikini tops, immediately followed by the host calling them “gross and way too fat to be wearing that!” Immediately followed by seeing a young woman who actually “can” wear the triangle bikini top but still shouldn’t because it has, after all, been deemed gross while one is hiking.

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You will sit in on the host’s therapy session, watching agog as she reclines on the chaise while her therapist, cleverly positioned behind her, rolls his eyes as she once again drones on about how she thought Dustin was going to marry her, how amazing she is, how the world just doesn’t get her and how she’s been wronged by people she thought were friends as her voice steadily rises to octaves only Pomeranians can hear, until it culminates with the therapist passing her a tissue nestled in a ceramic tissue holder he purchased from a reservation gift shop in Minnesota, while traveling across the country during his gap year.

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You will be whisked down the city’s bustling, oft traveled, alternate route, known as Crescent Heights Boulevard. The host will point out that the road turns into Laurel Canyon Boulevard when it starts over the hill and into hell.

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You will be taken to West Elm where you will stare — nonplussed, head cocked to the side — at a Nuyorican, Brooklyn-based artist’s mass-produced paintings of memes of Maasai men jumping. You will proceed to get lost in the paintings while asking yourself, “So I’m just a painting of a meme to these people? I’m a real, living, breathing person with my own individual needs and wants, dreams, however, I’m getting the feeling the rest of the world simply longs to connect only to the idea of me? The idea of a Maasai person. A person hailing from Kenya. If this is the case, who am I really? The Maasai person. The woman.” Standing beside you, the grungy guy who impersonates Jesus on Hollywood Boulevard will be having a variation of the same thoughts as he stares at a cubist rendering of Jesus playing cards with Judas, care of an artist out of Portland.

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Next, you will watch as the host gets the hair she washed at home dried at a super bright salon located on the famed Sunset Boulevard! Then, you will watch a flashmob! Go raw! Write a screenplay in a coffee shop! Detox! Try on shoes at Barney’s! Carb load! Try not to stare at Lady Gaga as she and her custom-made tornado simulation browse the denim bar at Fred Segal! Detox!

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 You will set out east to the amazing yoga studio where Keanu Reeves has been known to partake in a class or two. Once there, you will ingest the host’s 55 sun salutations, lotus pose, feathered peacock and plow, followed by thirty minutes of silent mediation that will get the host back in touch with her authentic self. After class, “Namaste,” you will sojourn to the lobby where, while waiting in line to ask a question about her account, an old man will hit on the host by telling her her cow face pose was off the “Hee (slight pause) zee” as he stares at her breasts. You will watch as the host accepts the compliment with bitchy politeness but the moment the old man walks away she will present a vomitous expression: tongue hanging out, one eye slammed shut while the other rolls back in her head, “Ukkk.”  Next, you will witness the host arrive at the reception desk where the receptionist will have a surprised, giddy reaction to having just witnessed Pauly “The Weeeea-sal” Shore hitting on the host, forcing the host to respond the only way she knows how, “Who’s that?”

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En route back to camp, you will look on as the host stealthily locks the car door and pretends a homeless man isn’t staring directly into the car while his clever sign asks for change. You will then witness the host speed way up on the cramped 101 Freeway when she spots a car in another lane, with blinker on, attempting to move in front of her.

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Saving the best for last, on the final evening, you will get to experience first hand the ancient, Western, female ritual of lying in bed wide awake late night, nervously chewing the bottom lip until, imbued by the ancient spirit of Crazy, the host suddenly thrusts up, throws on her Brown sweatshirt (because one can never tell enough people exactly where they spent 4 years of their life), grabs her car keys and sprints out the door.

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Moments later, you will yawn while looking on from the passenger seat as the host waits for her ex to return home with his supposed, new girlfriend and hear such bombastic chants as, “It’s like midnight and he’s not even home yet! His car’s not even here! You see that red Jetta? That’s his roommate’s. His car’s always either in front of it or behind it. They can’t park on the street ’cause they don’t have permits. Shit! That’s him! Get down!” With eyes peering over the dash, you will watch as the ex, Dustin, exits the car and travels to the passenger side to open the door for the supposed “fucking, dirty, stupid, poor whore.” Then, there it is. A smile through the tears on the host’s face because the only truth that can bring a silver lining to her waking nightmare is, “She’s ugly!”

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This ritual will immediately be followed by a celebratory meal where you will feast on a Double Double Animal Style, luke-warm fries, a root beer and a small vanilla shake. A cultural tid-bit break will come in the form of the host pointing out that on the bottom of each cup is a strange reference, “John 3:16… It’s like God did something then forgot it. Who knows. They’re like some weird Christian cult or something. The food’s yummy right?!”

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Upon airport arrival, the host will curtsy and bow with prayer hands her farewell. A final custom will come in the form of the mini-Cooper almost getting slammed by a shuttle, causing the host to fling her hand out the window and flip off the shuttle driver, simultaneously exclaiming, “I’m fucking driving here, dick cheese!”

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While traveling up the escalator, taking in the various people staring at you as if you’ve dropped down from the cosmos, you will realize that unless you actually spend significant time here — time beyond the 10 days the package allowed — this place will soon find room in your brain on a very base level. The memory of it won’t be so different from how you had imagined it to be in the pictures. And as much as you experienced the city and all of its trappings — the host, the mini-Cooper, Dustin, Joan’s on Third, the Double Double, Pauly Shore, fake Jesus, what you think was Fatty Arbuckle’s knee — the memories will be fleeting, eventually settling into your head as just a thought, a simple memory that you’ll come across when life allows you the time. Upon returning home, you will gather your friends and family and talk, and talk, and talk about the trip with an air of touching the void simply because you kind of did. You did in the same way we all do when traveling to a foreign place. Days will pass and when you’re finally finished showing every solitary person every single picture, your little sister will take the memory card from your camera to school, upload the photos onto a computer and sift through, eventually stopping on a picture of the host — hair whipping in the wind, aviator sunglasses, duck lips, holding up a peace sign with the Hollywood sign in the background. Your sister will come up with a clever quip for the photo then send it out into the world via the information superhighway. And for all those who will never in their lifetime travel to this land, the photo and caption will represent the full essence of this place. The idea of it. The meme.

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4. Okay. First, Mr. Shore didn’t deserve that. And second, the host sounds absolutely awful. With that said, I hope our Maasai guest enjoyed her visit in spite of it all. Now, what is your favorite malapropism?

Silly me. I was under the impression this was a safe zone for garments to air anything and everything but I guess I was wrong. With that said, I do have a favorite malaporpism but I don’t too much feel like sharing it with you at the moment.

5. To quote Jane Craig, “Sir, you can do whatever you want. It’s your choice.” Now, what is the scariest advice an elder has ever given you?

The Lacroix fringed jacket once told me to always, always date, marry, one-night-it, whatever, someone who loves you more than you love them.

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6. That is very scary and sad and depressing. What do you say to all those leering at their mates right now, trying to figure out who has the upper hand in this thing called a committed relationship?

I wouldn’t wanna be you. But that aside, I did think the advice odd due to the fact that fringed jackets have no sex drive.

7. Wait a minute.  So, if I were to show you a picture of, let’s say, a Dion Lee Thermal linear spiral skirt?

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Absolutely zero needs in the carnal department.

8. The Lonely, high-waist brief?

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Nuffin’.

9. Man, this is harder than I thought. Okay, I dare you to not get just the slightest tingle for the rare, Halston, Pollack-inspired extravaganza?

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Wee-ooo-wee-ooo-weeeeeooooooo… Dry as a bone, my friend.

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JEREMY SCOTT x ADIDAS TIE-DYE COAT

In Kendrick Lamar, upper body on January 9, 2013 at 8:15am01

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1. If you could style yourself what would you choose as the accoutrements?

Gareth Pugh silk chiffon trousers, the Alexander McQueen stud shoe, an Erdem scarf worn as a turban, and a pair of Erickson Beamon earrings.

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2. Ellen Greene’s wardrobe in “Pump up the Volume” or “Little Shop of Horrors”?

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“Pump Up the Volume”

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3. What is a word that you would like to soon see retire?

Unless it’s the head of special ops explaining to his superiors exactly what happened during the attack or a 3-year-old telling you precisely what happened when she fall down, the word “boom!” To put it simply, those using it to give a statement added emphasis? Please stop! Boom! Wait. Could it be that I now see the appeal? Oh god! What’s happening to me?! Wait. No, it’s still terrible.

4. Overrated is?

A significant other’s opinion on what not to wear. Here’s what you do ladies and gents, become really, really creative (limber up!) and extremely adept at having sex then abruptly stop having sex then ask if they give a shit about what you’re wearing. That should work.

5. What’s the easiest way for one to become an internet billionaire?

Create something that taps into a person’s inner most “The horrors of high school are fun!” and you can pretty much back up the Brink’s truck. Kenny Powers knows.

6. Who’s the most creative person you’ve ever been worn by?

The go-go dancer, whom after marrying the chronic halitotic, 75-year-old hedge funder,  realized that she had access to more money than she knew what to do with and so in true newly riche fashion, she hired Joe Cocker to serenade the closet every night before turning in.

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7. I imagine this turned out to be a real coup! I mean, Joe Cocker serenading you?! Am I right?!

Honestly, the whole thing lost its luster on or around the fourth night. And if you really wanna know the truth, I think she was just trying to find any excuse to not have to turn in. Let’s just say, the 1-percenters are a kinky lot that only get kinkier and more limber — which is mind-boggling — with age. Do the math. And while we’re at it, let’s not forget poor Joe. Homey’s still trying to figure out how he ended up there.

8. If you were to start a band what would you name it?

It’s a toss up between Morning After Pill, Plan B and Emergency Contraception.

9. If you could be worn by anyone whom would it be?

The twenty-something eavesdropper sitting in a cafe, behind her, a two-against-one conversation had by a triad of thirteen-year-old girls. The kind of girls who just can’t, refuse to pass by a mirror or window without checking to make sure their half-bun ponytails, mascara drenched eyes lashes, crotch-wedged jean shorts, and Aeropostal hoodies remain on point. One of the girls — the seemingly weakest of the crew — is going on about how the hottest guy in school likes her as the other two stare smirking daggers. The tone of the conversation gives the eavesdropper the feeling that this is gonna end like a mui mal “dumbell to the back of the head, hide the body in an obvious spot in the woods, leave behind  a shit-ton of fingerprints and one pink hair extension, when questioned have the tone of someone being asked if they’re going to the Sadie Hawkins dance, appear more annoyed rather than ‘killing people is bad’ in mugshots”, Investigation Discovery segment. It takes everything inside of the eavesdropper to keep from turning around and telling the weak, odd man out, “Run, girl!” Suddenly the eavesdropper’s macabre thoughts are interrupted by three middle-aged, church-going birds at another table trying to come up with a super, Christ-friendly version of “Let’s Hear It for the Boys” for the summer jubilee. It’s a must the queen bee of this crew stand to sing aloud her suggestions, drowning out all other opinions (like always) with choreography to boot. Funnily enough, the tone of the conversation gives the eavesdropper the feeling that this too will end like a mui mal, “pink, kettle bell to the head, overly sad and shocked when the detective informs them of the best friend’s slaying, all the while blood soaked clothes dance around on rinse in the washing machine, the night of the candlelight vigil the detective shows up to arrest their Chico-wearing asses, mugshots aloof rather than remorseful, thank goodness the Lord forgives straight up homicide, we’re now head of cellblock 15’s bible study thus reinstating our place in heaven!” Investigation Discovery segment. Just as the eavesdropper’s about to imagine turning around to tell this queen bee to “Run, girl! Or mam or– Whatever, they’re gonna kill your insufferable, Cutlass Supreme driving ass with a kettle bell,” the queen bee’s husband steps into the thought bubble, holding the hand  of his young booze-hound mistress, places a hand on the eavesdropper’s shoulder and says, “Really, why mess with fate and a primo insurance policy?” The eavesdropper pops out of the daydream, brow properly pinched. And there she is, wedged between the past, “Was I that horrible?” and the future, “Will I be that horrible? And if so, when will I become born again? I’d for sure suggest the Christ-friendly version of Kendrick’s ‘Swimming Pools (Drank)’ for the summer jubilee and show this repressed crew how it’s done. Is ‘born again’ capitalized? I should Google that. I will Google that. I’m also calling an indefinite moratorium on Investigation Discovery.”

A.L.C. ‘GILLIAN’ BLOUSE

In Howard Schatz, upper body on May 14, 2012 at 8:15pm05

1. If you could style yourself what would you choose as the accoutrements?

Prabal Gurung shorts, Aperlai suede & leather sandals, the Jane Taylor Millinery fascinator and a Helmut Lang clutch.

2. Is there a band name the band would deem very cool but in reality exists in that crowded space between “You’ve got to be kidding me” and “I can’t”?

Good King Wenceslas

3. What is the most interesting thought you’ve had as of late?

Dubai, the sweet little emirate dusted in gold and Maybachs, is actually located somewhere deep in Orlando and is the answer to the über wealthy’s collective plea, “We want to go to a suitable theme park without actually knowing we’re going to a suitable theme park. Make it happen. Chop chop. Pip pip.”

4.What is your favorite Snoop Dogg lyric?

“Hootin’ hollerin’ hollerin’ hootin’.”

5. If you could be worn by anyone whom would it be?

The college junior who has decided she will emulate Marion True of looted, Getty antiquities fame, however, unlike Marion, our girl will not wake up one day to find herself staring wide-eyed at a 3rd century A.D., Roman sarcophagus and wonder how the hell she got caught in this mondo jackpot. On the contrary, our girl will go forth with the full knowledge of what she will be embarking upon and will cover her bases every step of the way, going so far as to tell her Spring Sing committee she’s studying for the GMAT while telling her study group she has Spring Sing practice. To sell the lie she’ll give the study group a taste of some Spring Sing with, “There is nothin’ like a daaaaamm. Nothin’. Like. A daaammme…” and to the Spring Sing committee… well, she won’t say anything. After all, it’s the GMAT. Who would lie about that?

6.Where will she actually be?

She will either be at the Getty Villa committing to memory all of the amazing things many rubes travel from far and wide to “ooo-and-awe” only to return to their rube nests and brag to their friends who can’t afford such trips about all of the amazing things they “ooo’d-and-awe’d” while their friends internally roll their eyes or she’ll be with Claus, her septuagenarian, Polish mentor in his dark, dank office located just east of downtown Los Angeles in the industrial pocket known as Vernon. On this particular day, as she sets out down the hallway toward Claus’ office, running a hand along sweating walls – sweating as if they alone understand the severity of the crimes – she realizes that in her short life this is the only place she has ever connected with her authentic self. Upon entering the office she does not find Claus, instead she is met by her first solo acquisition, Vermeer’s “The Concert.”  She realizes Claus’ absence is deliberate, the gift of solitude to bask in her great accomplishment. A smile creeps onto her face and as she studies the masterpiece she whispers to herself the words of Simon de Pury, “We are only guardians of these works during our lifetime and we can’t take them with us. So, if it’s a shorter time so what. It’s all in our head at the end of the day.”

Only one question remains for the college junior and that is, “What could they possibly be performing?”

8. Making believe I wasn’t in the picture, what other person’s questions would you agree to answer?

The illustrious Mr. Howard Schatz.

9. This one again. Okay, assume I’ve shape-shifted into Mr. Schatz; how would you respond to the following?

a. The woman who wears you is told by her husband that he is leaving her for her best friend. Fueled by ire and disillusionment the woman murders the husband and best friend with a nail gun and uses you to wipe down the weapon and all surfaces in an effort to leave behind not a trace of evidence.

b. You happen upon a reenactment of the crime on”I (Almost) Got Away With It” and are none too happy with your re-creation.

c. You are put up for auction on ebay by the seller ‘Garments of a Murderess’ and sell for a whopping $123.876.00.

a.b.c.


ÉTOILE ISABEL MARANT ‘YOAN’ PULLOVER

In upper body on January 11, 2012 at 8:15pm01

1. If given the task of styling yourself, what would you choose as the accoutrements?

An Alexander McQueen paisley skull bandana scarf, Givenchy leather leggings, Proenza Schouler wedge ankle boot and pair of Chloe Sevigny x Opening Ceremony sunglasses.


2. What is your most recent interesting thought?

Did André Cymone go on to compose the “X-Files” theme song under a pseudonym?

 

3. If you could be worn by anyone whom would it be?

Of “Two Fat Ladies” fame, Jennifer Paterson and Clarissa Dickson Wright.

4. Do you have a favorite error of redundancy?

Mass exodus.

5. There are only 30 of you in existence and a queue 400-deep is lined up outside, waiting for the doors to open in hopes of walking away with one of you. What is the proper song to start up on the Ipod shuffle just as the doors open and the hungry mass goes absolutely insane with elbows to the face and knees to the gut?

Obviously, Frank Stallone’s “Far From Over.” Remember this, both aggressive electric guitar and raucous keyboard solos give you wings. And if you really want people to fall back, stop and enlist a ravenous interpretation of the dance moves found between 0:02 and 0:16. Uh 5, 6, 7, 8!

6. What does one of the women do after she manages to walk away with one of you?

She sits alone in her studio apartment of Lilliputian proportions, staring at me hanging on the back of a chair, her left eyebrow split, patch of hair gone the way of the dodo, veneer cracked, right eye swollen shut with the surrounding area a marble of coagulated blood and a cold compress against a busted lip. It’s true my being here will lead to ramen consumption for the next 4 months straight and there might be a fractured rib and some internal bleeding happening but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m here. A smile slowly creeps onto her face, “Victory!” The smile soon disappears due to the searing pain caused when a split lip meets stretching skin. Not to worry, she takes to smiling on the inside.

7. Some scholars are claiming Courtney Stodden is the new super sexy, super sensual Jesse Jackson. Can you give us a sample of something that could come out of either mouth?

The admiration of his abdication further strengthened the acclimation of the accusation that he just might be the adaptation of their allegorical adoration thus nullifying the activation of my altercation.

One minor addendum: if you really want to sell this as a super sensual, sociopolitically minded Courtney Stodden tweet you must place the words “lollipop” and “oozing” in there somewhere while displaying a severe back arch.

8.  If you were on the Twitter, what Kierkagaard quote would you send out into the world to give your timeline the allure of how randomly deep you are?

“I begin with the principle that all men are bores. Surely no one will prove himself so great a bore as to contradict me in this.”

9. Eesh… That quote would actually make me very depressed if I were on your timeline. Would you like to try again?

Nope and that’s because Kierkagaard speaks the truth.


ZIMMERMANN CALM PANELLED SMOCK TOP

In upper body on January 6, 2012 at 8:15pm01

1. If given the task of styling yourself, what would you choose as the accoutrements?

Balmain leather leggings and lace-up boots, a Madewell bracelet and the Reed Krakoff ‘T-bar’ bracelet.


2. If you could appear in any film what would it be?

 “A Woman Under the Influence” but on no one in particular. I’d just like to be there. Flung over a chair would be fine. This film proves time and time again what a tour de force Gena Rowlands is.

3. Who is the most interesting person you’ve ever been worn by?

A rapper’s hype man, underneath the sweatshirt, “Yo,” found underneath the ubiquitous oversized, sports jersey, “‘Sup” but over the Hanes wife beater, “Nín hǎo!” Looking out over the packed, humid arena, he knows if revealed to his faction of society they wouldn’t understand my being there and the only true player in the game who could ever openly pull me off would be Kanye West, possibly Tyler, the Creator. All of that aside, it was the chance the hype man took in order to feel my cotton voile and raw silk panels against his sweaty, pulsating skin while belting out such classics as bitches, hoes, various weapons references, “Yo, yo, yo,” “What, what, what,” various drug references, “Heezy fo sheezy,” the random “Scarface” and or waning Italian gangster mention, Gucci, Prada, Margiela, barking, “Awwweeeee yaaaaayyy!” and lastly, “Mothahfuckaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhs!” These words and sounds he will continue to feverishly scream into the mic night after night while quietly dreaming of one day being tapped to resurrect the long defunct Maison Laferrière by the head of Google, who will buy Maison Laferrière simply because Google really likes to buy stuff.

4. Who are your top 4 smock wearers of all time?

#1 Sweeney Todd

#2 Cool reenactor guy.

#3 The peasant in Cezanne’s Peasant in a Blue Smock.

#4 The Invisible Woman

5. What is something about you we otherwise wouldn’t know?

 I hail from a theater background and have the ability to perform monologues channeling people I have never met using the Mississippi drawl of a thwarted, sweaty, wicker chair perched, Tennessee Williams heroine.

6. Sounds intense. Do you have a favorite channeled monologue? If so, can you give us a sampling?

It’s not really a monologue, rather it’s a conversation involving a woman who has a big day tomorrow, therefore must pleasure herself into relaxation mode. Unfortunately, she’s having a hard time connecting with her pop-culture driven, fantasy realm suitor. Keep in mind, Luke – the fantasy suitor – says nil because he’s a fantasy. Here goes…

 “If I’m being honest with you, Luke, you look a lot like Darren who I’m married to in the real world but with a lot more hair… Well, I’m just here for one thing and one thing only and since you are all pop culture’s offering at the moment and it is late and I do have to get up early to finish the graph for the presentation, not to mention get Kit and Ollie off to school- Luke, you don’t need to sing a melancholy song for me right now … Nooo, I really don’t care to see your app ideas … Yes, your tweets are very clever. … Now’s definitely not the time for Creepy Bob Dylan. And since we are on the subject, *nose crinkles* I don’t think it’s very funny. Actually, I think it’s really- Luke, don’t cry … How ’bout you just kiss me, okay? Gently. Remember, act like you’ve been there … Ouch! You bit my lip! … Oh, don’t start in with the crying … I do think you’re sweet and you’re kind and funny on occasion plus you love your indie bands, a quality I’ve worked long and hard to craft an allure of sexiness around … Luke, please stop singing … Luke … LUKE! I don’t care about your indie beats or how sensitive late-in-life virginity loss made you or how Creepy Bob Dylan wants to give my pinky toe butterfly kisses! I have this room for another ten minutes before Darren notices I’m gone then hobbles down here asking questions I’m not prepared to answer! … He can’t because he pulled a groin muscle showboating at Ollie’s pee wee footbowl practice! … You know what I meant! Just leave my family out of this and listen! You are here only to help me rub one out so I can relax, fall asleep, get up at the crack of dawn to make lunches, help Kit with math homework then make it to a presentation I need to knock out of the park in order to beat Rachel Fuller out of a promotion that should’ve been mine to begin with! … I’m sorry … Well, sometimes I don’t know my own strength … Do you need to put some ice on that? … Okay … Excuse me for a moment. I have to take this. Hello? … What was that? Sam Elliott has arrived in the fantasy realm brooding, neither funny nor witty, needing to borrow fifty bucks and with a slight stench? Oookay, let me just think about-” Tires burn rubber somewhere off in the fantasy realm distance.

7. Wow. Now can you channel my mother taking part in a photo shoot with Terry “my penis lives to photobomb” Richardson? Keep in mind she’s 59, loves sushi, to talk, Trader Joe’s samples, Bill & Hillary, Roddick, Nadal, Venus, the Lakers, the POTUS, the FLOTUS, speed walking and Loehmann’s but hates to fly and the bachelor who chose no one at the end of season who-the-hell-is-keeping-track-anymore?

Huh. Ookay. Here goes… Huuhhmmmmmm *deep breath* Huuhhhmmmmmmmm…

“Hello there! … It’s very nice to meet you too, Terry … Well you’re such a sweet young man for saying that. Look at you! You’re so thin. We need to get some meat on those ol’ bones. Believe me, you’ll be even more handsome with the extra ten pounds. And what’s this? … A volcano? Huh. Interesting looking contraption. *sniffs* Smells a little like a skunk. Wow! Just looook at all of the pictures of you and your mother, I’m guessing? … I knew it. I can see the resemblance. And she seems so sweet. I love a child who loves their mother. My kids are just about the sweeee– … Oh! We’re starting? Okay … Smile? Well, of course. I love to smile. 59 years old I am. The lady at the bank couldn’t believe it. *whispers* She thought I was in my forties. I love posing. I do this little thing where I pop my shoulder out. Just like that. Just pop it out. Sometimes I do it without even thinkin’ about it … Oh, you like that? It’s my own little signature move. *whispers* The husband loves it … Oh, wear your glasses? Why sure … Wow, I think we might have the same prescription. These aren’t the most flattering design but what’re ya gonna do … Give a thumb’s up? How’s that? I have a little twinge of arthritis in this thumb so it’s a little hard to maneuver … Of course you can get in here too … You wanna wear my sunglasses while I wear your glasses and we’ll pose together? Love it. This is so much fun! Let’s do one with the both of us popping the shoulder… You’re a natural! You should know those sunglasses are Marc Jacobs; found them at Loehmann’s. They were regular $200. *whispers* Got them on sale for 19.99. I really do love that Loehmann’s. The deals you can– Um, Terry? Sweet pea, why is your penis out? … It’s really cool and hip? Now, help me understand, is it just your penis or the entire mood your penis being out creates? … Not sure. Okay, I think it’s time we had a little talk … Yes, it’s probably a good idea you put it away first. Afterall, there’s a chill in the air. Do they get cold? Don’t answer that. Okay, I’m here only to take a few tasteful yet playful photographs to tuck into some cards soon to be en route to friends, nothing more. Now, I’m very flattered that your attraction to me is so strong that exposing yourself proved to be the only suitable way for you to express it, however, I’m a married woman. 35 years I’ve been married to an amazing man with whom I’ve created two lovely children. It’s actually a very sweet story. We met in Chicago on a bitter, bitter cold day. The husband had been to Vietnam and back. Actually killed a man while he was there. To this day he has no idea what the hell we were even fighting for. *sigh* It’s a very strange world in which we live, Tear. Can I call you ‘Tear?’ Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yes. The day was that kind of day where the cold gets into your bones and I was looking fabulous. Have you ever been to Chicago? ‘Chi-town’ I like to call it. It’s a great city. The lights, the wind, the lake, Michigan Avenue. That was my spot. You should’ve seen me back in the day. People loved my legs. These legs right here. Always got compliments on them. *whispers* Still do. Anyway, the husband and I were both waiting for the El – that’s Chicago’s answer to the subway. The El, short for elevated. Anyway after three years together in Chicago we joined the migration out west, to California; northern to be- Tear? Tear, where are you going? Tear, why are you opening up the window? … Oh. To jump. O-kay. Well then, I assume the shoot is over? I should be off anyway. *whispers* Meeting a friend for lunch.” Aaaaannd scene.

 8. Bra! Va! Wow, that was my mother! It felt like she was right here talking and talking and talking. Now, can you channel my father introducing his first capsule collection?
*deep breath* channeling … channel … ing … and I have channeled …
“Fine. Well, these are pants. I guess. You just put them on to cover up your legs. This is a sweater. Keeps you warm when you need to be. Usually how it works. Here are some white t-shirts. These are my high cholesterol pills. Have no clue how they ended up here. *sigh* Golf shoes. To be worn only when golfing. Never in the house or else the shrill of the wife’s voice when she catches you might make you wanna jump in front of a bus that’s moving at Mach speed. These are — Okay, the game’s on. Gotta run.” “Kkssh” is the sound of the Budweiser can being cracked open en route to the recliner. Aaaand scene.
9. How in the hell do you do it?! I ask mainly because you are of course an amazing smock top but a smock top still.
Years of studying, hours upon hours of consuming anything and everything the great Sir Paul Robeson (I knighted him myself) ever uttered, not to mention meticulously dissecting the enviable Mrs. Davis’ approach to the craft and her uncanny ability to transform water into wine every chance she was given.

CALYPSO ‘BAJA’ HOODIE

In upper body on May 12, 2011 at 8:15pm05

1. What is something about you one would never guess?

I’m a neurotic shut-in. I had a past, okay? But, I cleaned up that past and so here I am.

2. Overrated?

Being iry, leaving the house, surfboards, placebo effects and the following color combination…

3. If not you then what?

Asking me that is like asking a millipede which leg it sets off on.

4. If you could style yourself what would be the accoutrements?

Have we met?

5. We asked a few of your old friends – flip-flops, chapped lips, the bikini top, peeling nose, Sex Wax and cut-off denim shorts – what your favorite song was back in the day and they all came back with the same answer. What do you think it was?

Man, even I can’t get mad at this question. The one and only, cue the steel drum… *sings* Bitty bitty bong bong bitty bong bong bitty bong bong bitty beng. Bong bong bitty bong bong… Good ol’ Eek-A-Mouse. Gotta love the guy. Wow, that really took me back to a simpler time. A lot of fun we all had together. Clearly, I couldn’t handle most of it which is why I had to make some pretty strict changes but still… *sigh* Wow, I haven’t thought about those days in years.

6. Are you okay?

Oh yeah. I’ll be fine. Can you just excuse me? One moment.

2 hours later…

7. Whoa! Don’t fall. You were gone for quite a while. Is something burning?

I’m staaaaarivin’, maaaan! You starvin’? I’m starvin’? I have a taste for some super spicy, super cheesy *pause* super spicy Frito-Lays.

8. Do you think it’s such a good idea for you to climb up there?

Totally. This is the only way to keep your exoskeleton from tryin’ to read your mind. Plus, I can’t  be down there with all the semicolons turning on each other.

9.  Should I put a call into your sponsor?

*snore*

BURBERRY PRORSUM METALLIC BIKER JACKET

In upper body on March 4, 2011 at 8:15pm03

1. If you could style yourself what would be the accoutrements?

A Jil Sander maxi skirt, Chloe criss-cross flats, an Alexander McQueen clutch and a Low Luv by Erin Wasson bracelet.

2. What is the most interesting fact you know?

In China, buying new clothes is a symbol of starting afresh.

4. Overrated is?

Gold.

4. If not you then what?

Current/Elliot denim, bike shorts.

5. If you could be worn by anyone, who would you choose?

Taylor Tomasi-Hill. The woman knows a thing or two about how to wear a thing or two.

taylor-styleboard1

6. Is there a Taylor Tomasi-Hill dream that you’re working on realizing?

To the tune of “Youth Blood” by Little Jinder and with two minutes on the clock, setting her loose down the clothing aisle of a CVS drugstore and seeing what she comes up with. She’d also be required to take three 10-second dance breaks.

7. Where do you see yourself in twenty years?

Providence, Rhode Island, tucked away on a Goodwill rack.

8. How do you imagine you’d end up there?

A combination of planes, trains, automobiles, drunken nights, jaywalking, luggage gone missing, a misrepresented Carol Channing impersonation, nasty break-ups, the real Carol Channing and a pregnancy scare.

channing-550

9. Do you have an interesting musing, post Goodwill arrival?

Whiling the day away in the half-off section, next to a putrid, yet classic, oatmeal jumper, when a 14-year-old breaks away from combing the bric-a-brac with her judgmental pack and finds her way to me. She’ll need only take one look at my $15 dollar price tag and know I’m going with her. Upon arrival at home, she will immediately call to her Parisian mother, only to find her pruning tomato plants in the garden. The girl will fling me in her mother’s face, declaring, “Look at what I got!”  The mother will smile and remove her soiled gloves, so she can feel my fatigued hide, while simultaneously recounting the life she once had as a promising, young intern at Givenchy before meeting and falling madly in love with the 14-year old’s American — then graduate student, now professor — father. Snapping out of the look back and what could have been, the mother will take a gander at my price tag, quickly followed by a glance at my label aaand… she’s out cold, face-planting into a pruned tomato plant.

TO KI TO x BARBOUR SPORTING QUILT JACKET

In upper body on January 26, 2011 at 8:15pm01

1. If you could choose one person to be worn by, who would it be?

The man who up and decides, in the middle of a work day, that he’s bidding farewell the thankless, cubicle dwelling, straphanger life and taking to the open road, without a plan and with me on his back. But before he makes his final exit, he moves over to his former computer, logs onto YouTube, finds “Sweet Freedom” and gives his co-workers the most earnest, out of key, flailing limbed, stapler-acting-as-a-microphone performance of a lifetime. The performance gets a bit of added momentum when he spots a few people — still looking on with “dude is nuts” expressions — starting to bob their heads to the beat. Save for Glenda. Glenda’s smiling big, having been sucked back to her days as a Soul Train dancer and from the waste up she’s putting invisible magnet letters on the invisible scramble board and resurrecting dance moves that heard the death knell as far back as ’78, “Those were some good ol’ days. Days when a red leotard on this body wasn’t considered a crime scene.”

2. And then who knows what’s waiting for him, right?!

Well, security but other than that… Yeah, I’m assuming pretty exciting stuff.

3. If not you then what?

A Common Projects two pocket, accordion wallet.

4. What is something you abhor in people?

The blatant riding of coattails while making others believe you’re steering the vessel.

5. What is your least favorite question?

Why?

6. If you could be reimagined by another artist who would it be?

The Unknown Hipster

7. What makes you dynamic?

I’m gonna need you to whittle that down to a finer point?

8. What is something about you we would otherwise not know?

I don’t enjoy hunting.

9.  Is there a word you would like to soon see retire?

Swagger.

T BY ALEXANDER WANG CUTOUT BLAZER

In Fran Lebowitz, upper body on January 25, 2011 at 8:15pm01

1. What is an interesting fact about you?

I’m all business in the front but a party in the back.

2. If you could find anything in your pockets what would it be?

Forgotten candy still in the wrapper

3. If not you then what?

A Haider Ackermann silk  jacket.

4. If you could choose one person to be worn by, who would it be?

Fran Lebowitz.

5. What is one word a blazer should always live by?

Bespoke.

6. You’re on your way to the gallows, what’s the final meal?

Who have you been talking to? Am I being set up? I was just along for the ride. I had no idea what they were planning. No idea! But you should’ve seen it! They had her —  and then they took him and —

7.  So, next question. What is something you value in a person?

Their ability to not know their way around hatchets, crossbows, silencers and quicklime.

8. Right. What is something you would like to see less of?

Murder.

9. Let’s try for a softball. What is your favorite animal?

Kittens! Fluffy, happy, innocent kittens.


RUE DU MAIL SLEEVELESS BLAZER

In upper body on October 7, 2010 at 8:15am10

1. If could style yourself what would be the accoutrements?

A Willow sequin jacket, Edun patchwork  jeans, Sigerson Morrison ankle boots and Vivienne Westwood leather gloves

6.  Do you have a favorite band?

Ambrosia.

3. Who do you admire most?

Those who put their glasses on to read acceptance speeches.

4. If not you then what?

A Karl Donoghue leather trapper hat.

5. Do you have a favorite book?

“The Elegance of the Hedgehog” by Muriel Barbery.

6. What do you hate to see?

People who lead while keeping their boot firmly planted on others’ necks.

7. Is there a film you can see yourself in?

“The Umbrellas of Cherbourg.”

8. What is your favorite alternate word for food?

Silly question but I would have to say… vittles.

9. Overrated is?

Cotton candy. And just so we’re clear…

is