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Archive for the ‘stuff’ Category

TOM FORD “ALEX” TOTE

In Cousin, stuff on September 19, 2014 at 8:15pm09

 

 

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1. Hiya! So, my cousin, the one usually asking the questions? Well, she’s otherwise indisposed in another country and so I’ve been tapped to sit down with you. Don’t worry, not only am I a journalism major but I’ve done this before. I’m pretty sure it was something pinstriped, a sweater maybe? Anywho, let’s get started, shall we? If you could accouter yourself, what items would you choose?

Well… Hmm… Well… Okay, time out for second? I actually talked to a friend which was actually the Fausto Puglisi, tartan, bomber jacket that you interviewed — not a sweater at all and definitely not pinstriped. Anyway, I was told that no matter what I do I shouldn’t do a sit down if you’re the one asking the questions. The instructions were tonally emphatic. I mean, I don’t know you and I hate to judge based on another’s assessment but I’m kind of going through some things and being sent over the edge is quite possibly the last thing I need. I’m so sorry.

Are we still on the time out?

Yes.

Okay. Well, that was then and I was going through some things too but this is now and I’m fine. You of all things should be a little more understanding but hey, we can’t all come into existence with a kind soul.

Well, I guess a few innocent questions can’t hurt. Maybe it’ll get my mind off of everything? 

1. That’s the spirit! Now, as I was asking, what accoutrements would you choose to complete your look?

A 10 Crosby sweater, a Boutique, satin shirt, a pair of Current/Elliott jeans and the Emilio Pucci ankle boot.

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2. Beautiful! Great taste! If you could exist during any time period besides now, what would it be?

The late nineties, the period of the baguette, little compact numbers that snuggled up on the shoulder. Fendi had the vice grip on that particular trend. Dior was there to represent as well. And I think Gucci? Also, let us not forget Canal Street if you know what I’m sayin’. I’d wink but… Anyway, remember? The nineties baguette?

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 3. I was just a wee one but I’ll take your word for it. If you could be carried by anyone, whom would it be?

I’m going to catch hell for this but I’m a fan of the hands–free woman. Something about a woman who, at most, needs only a delicate credit card/ID holder out in the world for hours on end I simply find sexy.

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4. Interesting. Do you think that’s why you like her so much, because she doesn’t need you, frankly, doesn’t even want you?

Gosh, I never really thought about it like that but I guess, yeah, maybe that’s why. But what does that mean? That has to be bad, right, to want the person who doesn’t even know you’re there?

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(photo: Stanley Kubrick for Look Magazine)

5. Well, it can’t be good. Mainly because ultimately you should want to be held by someone who wants to hold you. If not, you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of chasing a carrot you’ll never be able to tame. And what if one day she gets her hands on you — let’s say, you’re given to her as a gift. An exquisite gift, obviously — who’s to say you won’t sit in the closet day in day out, hoping, waiting for a day that’ll never come? Believe me, that’ll get old very fast. The glossy sheen of the unattainable is the most worthless one there is. Have you ever thought of yourself as a masochist?

What are those?

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6. Basically, you get off on being treated horribly. Have you ever felt that sensation?

No. Hell no. That would make me crazy and pathetic.

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7. There’s no need to be so harsh. Let me rephrase. Do you sometimes feel unworthy?

If I’m being completely honest, yes. I know it makes no sense since I’m an “It” bag, well covered in the coveted department, everyone wants me, to have me hanging from your arm, in some circles, makes you appear better than the rest. Maybe that’s just it. What you see on the outside isn’t at all what’s happening on the inside. It’s not who I am at my core. Oh god, I feel like such a fraud. These poor people are out there thinking they’re carrying around something robust and commanding and in charge but in the end, it’s simply lost.

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8. Okay, this is going in the opposite direction of what I’d hoped and so let’s switch course altogether. What is something you like about yourself?

Hmmm… Let me think… Well, I’ve got layers. Yeah, I’ve got things to say, deep thoughts, opinions even. Like, why don’t more men carry purses? There you go. It makes no sense. You’ve slapped a gender gap on the ability to transport items to and fro. Call me crazy and no shade, of course, but I highly doubt the nineties, Fendi baguette is having such thoughts. Dior discussing gender gaps? I think not! The differences between the sexes are being debated on Canal Street, the valley of bootleg dreams? Yeah, right! God, I feel so alive! The Puglisi has no idea what it’s talking about!

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9. See there?! You’ve got depth. You’re not just another depot for stuff. You’re much, much more than some staycation for wallets and scarves and leather, initial engraved notebooks and phones filled with pictures of you and him and a lock of his hair and state-of-the-art binoculars and night vision goggles and a key to his place that he has no idea you still have and a black bodysuit and a ski mask and a pair of tabi boots, the same ones actual ninjas wear, and a blueprint of his loft that shows all the hollow points behind the walls just in case you might need a place to hold up for a while and a container filled with peanuts and bees because apparently the new girl’s violently allergic to both and lastly, the jar of collected tears that if poured onto a flat surface would definitely spell out the Brenda Walsh classic, “WE WERE SO THERE!” See?! You’re so much more! How do you feel now?!

Um… 

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PROENZA SCHOULER LARGE ‘PS 13’

In Fran Lebowitz, stuff on January 24, 2013 at 8:15pm01

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1. If you could style yourself what would you choose as the accoutrements?

A Thakoon Addition, African floral dress, the Thakoon Addition, African floral trousers, a Saint Laurent trench and a pair of Burak Uyan T-bar pumps.

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2. You’re watching the “Thomas Crown Affair.” Do you prefer the casual McQueen or the to-the-nines McQueen?

Since the option of bathing in McQueen was not offered, I’d have to go with the following McQueen…

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3. What song is the woman carrying you getting seductively undressed to?

4. Oof… I did not see that one coming. What exactly is happening here?

Right?! And keep in mind, she and the husband are only 25. Anyway, from what I can glean — and this is all second-hand because I’m tucked in the way back of that godforsaken, monstrosity of a closet where I can’t hear a damn thing — they lost the spark. It’s no one’s fault. It’s everyone’s fault. They’ve simply hit a slump.

5. Why, for the love of god, is she getting seductively undressed to what I’d imagine her side of their therapy session sounds like set to song? I love Barbra, by the way.

Who doesn’t love Barbra? However, if I was in charge of the evening “Pop That” would be on a loop. I dare anyone to not introduce romance back into the bedroom with those melodic sounds flowing through.

6. Charming. Moving along. Who was your favorite person to be carried by?

That awesome and amazing, not to mention, very innovative woman who when walking through a Lilliputian size antique shop filled with tchotchkes of the porcelain, glass and expensive variety, turned to focus on a mother-of-pearl Trojan Horse, which in turn allowed me to knock over absolutely everything on a table positioned right behind her, only to whip around to see the destruction I hath wrought allowing me to knock over absolutely everything on another table that was now positioned right behind her. My god, I’m getting goosebumps just thinking about it.

7. If you could be carried by anyone whom would it be?

Easy. Frances Ann.lebowitz-fran-051102

8. I’m sorry but I just don’t get it. What’s the big deal with this woman?

*The PS 13 got physical*

9.Ouch! What’d you do that for?!

It’s simple. I love Fran. We. All. Love. Fran.

TENOVERSIX ‘ROTHKO’ FRINGE CLUTCH

In Fran Lebowitz, stuff on December 7, 2011 at 8:15pm12

1. If you could style yourself what would you choose as the accoutrements?

An Adri Lara necklace, the AllSaints ‘Marail’ dress, a Sonia Rykiel scarf and a pair of  Dolce & Gabbana sandals.

2. If you had to choose, Bob or Margaret?

Bob, no doubt. Together his nipples and belly button make an “uh oh” face, for God’s sake.

3. Is there an instrumental song that you like so much you wish it had lyrics?

“Take Five” by the Dave Brubeck Quartet.

4. Do you have a favorite poem?

It Dropped So Low In My Regard 

 — Emily Dickinson

It dropped so low in my regard

I heard it hit the ground

And go to pieces on the stones

At the bottom of my mind;

Yet blamed the fate that fractured, less

Then I reviled myself

For entertaining plated wares

Upon my silver shelf

5. What is the most uncomfortable position a person can find themselves in?

At a party where the only person you know is the person who brought you. Somehow while  deciding upon which cupcake to devour –red velvet or blue (Yes, they’re making blue now and I’m not mad.) — your friend decides to disappear leaving you to hover in the middle of the kitchen unable to make a smooth transition into any of the many conversation pockets happening simultaneously. You know this because when you try to stealthily meld into a 7-top about lactose intolerance everyone looks to you as if you’ve just announced that you’ve been corresponding with the Night Stalker and the two of you are set to marry next Wednesday, “Nothing too lavish. Mainly because he’s in prison for a Beelzebub themed serial killing spree. I’m thinking I’ll wear purple. Too much?” If you had balls — and your car parked outside– you’d be smart to quote Fran Lebowitz to the entire room and storm out.

6. What would one quote of Ms. Lebowitz’s?

“Spilling your guts in conversation is just as charming as it sounds.” But I digress. Onto the next pocket. Oh, well this one’s splendid. I’m suddenly blinded by shearling collars, plaid flannels, Wayfarer sunglasses at night and apathetic monosyllabic sentences. Don’t get me started. Too late. It’s like some sign of the “Williamsburg done did the deed with Silver Lake” apocalypse. We all know these types. They feed off of making you feel like an idiot who has no right hobnobbing amongst the hipster elite if you haven’t heard the first and last xylophone-laden, indie hit belonging to 12-year-old, half Dutch, half Sri Lankan, sharecropping, fraternal twins hiding away in a bomb shelter somewhere in Red Hook. Do you even dare? Yeah, skip it. Who can honestly afford to visit the therapist twice in one week? And here you are back in the middle. And there’s always that one person, just yucking it up, the life of the party, the mayor as it were. How do they do it? Always with the right thing to say, saying it the right way one should say it — feel free to sub in “most insufferable” in the place of “right.” And since the kitchen is always the epicenter of a party, you find that you’re not just hovering but you’re hovering in the middle of the epicenter which is just a bad position to be in at any time during life. Hovering in the middle of the epicenter. Yes, it’s as scary as it sounds.

7. If you could be reimagined by another artist who would it be?

Lui Bolin.

8. If you could be carried by anyone who would it be?

That woman daydreaming about being that woman who sends out tweets like “Snowing in Shanghai! Live life!” or “Morning! MUAH! ; -)” or “Miffed by the fact I just nicked my clog in the souk. Sadsy face. Still love you Marrakesh! Ur not the Ochre city 4 nuthin!” or “At @thesmilenyc sitting between Jay-Z and Noam Chomsky discussing the Pythagorean Theorem. Jay calling Pythagoras’ bluff! HA! Silly Hova!”

9. What is that woman doing instead of the glorious things she daydreams of tweeting about?

Instead, she’s running calls and getting coffee in Muncie for a man with rosacea, a penile implant, eyes that think her breasts are her eyes and a dirty- gold toupee so jutting and crisp it doubles as a visor. No pictures needed for any of the aforementioned realities; they’re brutal enough in one’s own mind.

HELMUT LANG ‘SYN’ SHOULDER BAG

In stuff on March 2, 2011 at 8:15am03

1. Who or what do you look to for inspiration when you’ve lost your way?

The carambola.

2. If you could style yourself what would be the accoutrements?

A Emilio de la Morena dress, Haider Ackermann boots, Fogal tights and a Dolce & Gabbana baseball hat.

3. What makes you dynamic?

My reinvention at every angle.

4. Are there dream contents that will never be realized?

Bagpipes.

5. Is there a favorite idiom for what can be found inside of you?

Bits and bobs.

6. If you could be reimagined by another artist, who would you choose?

Pat McGrath.

7. What is your least favorite question?

What came first, the chicken or the egg?

8. If not you then what?

Alexander Wang’s ‘Kirsten’ satchel. I also know what movie quote best describes it. Not that I’m trying to take over your job or anything.

9.  Okay then… What famous movie quote would best describe the ‘Kirsten’ satchel?

“Just when I thought I was out… they pull me back in.” Michael Corleone from “The Godfather III” said that. Pretty spot on, huh? I want that hat.

CAMBRIDGE SATCHEL COMPANY BRIEFCASE BAG

In stuff on October 9, 2010 at 8:15am10

1. What is something everyone should experience at least once?

A sordid affair with a professor.  Professors, there’s no need to thank me.

2. Is there something about you we should all know?

I’d choose a public school kid over a prep schooler any day.

3. If you could style yourself, what would be the accoutrements?

A  Marc by Marc Jacobs tweed sweater, Opening Ceremony riding pants and Kelsi Dagger moccasins.

4. Overrated is?

The repetitive announcement of an Ivy League education. We get it. You test better.

5. If not you then what?

The A.P.C. Birkin patch sweater.

6. Is there a habit one should outgrow?

Truancy.

7. Whose editorial would you commit a crime to appear in?

Kate Young’s.

8. What would be the crime?

Drug mule. Based on my scholastic appearance, I feel I’d be pretty good at it. No one would suspect a thing.

9. Do you have a favorite quote?

“In my life I have met five great presidents but only one great English teacher.”  – John Steinbeck on his reason for turning down an invitation to the White House so that he could attend a dinner honoring his high school English teacher.

TO BE G CROCODILE SHOULDER BAG

In stuff on September 24, 2010 at 8:15pm09

1. If not you then what?

A pair of Crocs.  They are what I like to call heaven for the feet.  And they’re not too hard on the eyes either.

2. Where are you happiest?

Feeding the homeless.  Volunteering at my local food co-op.   Recycling.

3. In your opinion what is the worst trend?

There are no bad trends.  It’s all about the freedom to express and accepting others, flaws n’ all!

4.  What is the public’s biggest misconception of you?

That only the pretentious elite can afford me.  How silly is that?!

5. Are you aware that you cost $10,892?

HAHAHAHAHA!  You’re very funny!

6. Have you ever had a look at your price tag?

No, but I will right about —  Oh.   Huh.  So the misconceptions aren’t really misconceptions at all.

7.  Are you okay?

I’m gonna need  a minute.

*The interview ended shortly thereafter.

YVONNE KONE BUM BAG

In stuff on September 2, 2010 at 8:15pm09

1. What is the worst name you’ve ever been called?

Fanny pack.

2. What is the best name you’ve ever been called?

Culture vulture.

3. What is a quality that best describes you?

Uncomplicated.

4. What would you like to see more of?

Female politicians having affairs.

5. What is one relationship that was supposed to work out but didn’t?

I once dated a pair of Tevas. On paper we were tailor-made for each other but it ended in tears.  Bastard.

6. Looking back, who would you have kicked them out of bed for?

Get ready to have your mind blown. A sculpted, lace pump by Philip Treacy for Valentino. J’adore.

7. Where do you feel most at home?

Times Square. Eiffel Tower. Epcot Center. The gym. General schlepping. Stop me at any time.

8. If not you then what?

Jas MB box rucksack.

9. What do you consider to be the worst habit a person can possess?

Chronic overpacking.