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Archive for the ‘Howard Schatz’ Category


In Howard Schatz, wrist on June 21, 2017 at 8:15pm06


1. ‘Sup, fam?! You’re goals, bro! I know everyone tells you that, bruh! Shit’s tight! And awesome!

You can cool it. I’m a sure thing.


2. Whatever do you mean? Aaaanyways, if you could choose any four items to accompany you, what would they be?

An Alexander McQueen button down shirt, a pair of Universal Works pants, a pair of Asher Vans and Han Kang’s “Vegetarian.”


3. How would you finish the following, “The floor is…”?


Of no concern.

4. You are not about this life are you?

Or I’m not your clown. A simple task and around fifty-six extra things I’ve been created to handle and that’s it.


5. Got it. It’s been a while since I’ve done this but what do think about taking a page from Mr. Howard Schatz and we have you get into a few characters?

I’m fine with that.


 6. Killin’ the game, bro! Let’s go! How would you respond to the following scenarios?

a. A bouncer refers to the man wearing you as “sir” when he asks him to step aside so he can let a very desirable group of eight into the “at capacity” club.

b. You’re a day away from Series 3’s release.

c. A Cartier Tank Solo slides into your DMs.

Wow. Is sliding into a DM relevant anymore? Feels like the world’s moved on.

7. Look, I’m trying here! Can you just work with me?! We’re almost at the finish line.

Fine. Here you go…

a. A bouncer refers to the man wearing you as “sir” when he asks him to step aside so he can let a very desirable group of eight into the “at capacity” club.

b. You’re a day away from Series 3’s release.

c. A Cartier Tank Solo slides into your DMs.




8. That’s what’s up! You’re an Apple product therefore all-knowing. So, because it’s about to burn a hole in my brain, who is this guy?


tHAt’S WHaT’s uP! YoU’rE aN aPPle pRoDuCt tHerefORe aLl-kNOwing. sO, BeCauSe iT’s AboUt To bURn A hOle iN My bRAin, WHo iS tHiS Guy?


9. Ha! Joke’s on you! That meme died four weeks ago. Had a bit a resurgence last week but that was it. Now, would you kindly take the L and answer my question?

“Take the…”? I can’t. Let’s end this. It’s former Giant Bomb video producer, Drew Scanlon, reacting to something his co-worker said.

10.  Okay. So what did the freakin’ co-worker say?

If this were 10 questions you’d know by now.



In all over, Howard Schatz on November 7, 2013 at 8:15pm11


1. If you could style yourself what items would you choose?

A Missoni coat, a Shaun Lean tusk bangle, the Miu Miu ankle boot and a bag of groceries. Girl’s gotta literally eat.



2. What is a dream you’re working on realizing?

Becoming the main attraction of an unboxing.

3. Do you have a favorite malapropism?

“Keep your eye on the tiger.” Christopher Moltisanti

Christopher Moltisanti 00

4. If you could be re-imagined by any artist who would it be?

Zaha Hadid.

5. What is something not advisable to do in you and your chosen cohorts that you would love for someone to do in you and your chosen cohorts?



6. In a hypothetical world where dreams actually came true and you could parkour around town, what band would take up the lion’s share of the soundtrack?

Obviously the Black Rebel Motorcycle Club

7. Is it safe to thank the gods for the Black Rebel Motorcycle Club?

 I think it is.

 8. If given the chance to choose another person to ask the questions who would it be?

For the win, I’m going with Mr. Howard Schatz. That’s not Howard down there by the way. It’s Sir Ian McShane. Wait. Has he been knighted? Anybody?


9. Alrighty. Reaction time. Can you please show me how you would respond to the following?

a. You have somehow ended up in the hands of a quilting bee on a mad hunt for “hip” patterns.

b. The horrible date of the woman currently wearing you licks his lips and oscillates his gaze between her breasts while telling her the eyes are the window to the soul.

c. The woman currently wearing you has just been told by her trusted psychic that you were Nero’s toga virilis in a past life.



In Howard Schatz, upper body on May 14, 2012 at 8:15pm05

1. If you could style yourself what would you choose as the accoutrements?

Prabal Gurung shorts, Aperlai suede & leather sandals, the Jane Taylor Millinery fascinator and a Helmut Lang clutch.

2. Is there a band name the band would deem very cool but in reality exists in that crowded space between “You’ve got to be kidding me” and “I can’t”?

Good King Wenceslas

3. What is the most interesting thought you’ve had as of late?

Dubai, the sweet little emirate dusted in gold and Maybachs, is actually located somewhere deep in Orlando and is the answer to the über wealthy’s collective plea, “We want to go to a suitable theme park without actually knowing we’re going to a suitable theme park. Make it happen. Chop chop. Pip pip.”

4.What is your favorite Snoop Dogg lyric?

“Hootin’ hollerin’ hollerin’ hootin’.”

5. If you could be worn by anyone whom would it be?

The college junior who has decided she will emulate Marion True of looted, Getty antiquities fame, however, unlike Marion, our girl will not wake up one day to find herself staring wide-eyed at a 3rd century A.D., Roman sarcophagus and wonder how the hell she got caught in this mondo jackpot. On the contrary, our girl will go forth with the full knowledge of what she will be embarking upon and will cover her bases every step of the way, going so far as to tell her Spring Sing committee she’s studying for the GMAT while telling her study group she has Spring Sing practice. To sell the lie she’ll give the study group a taste of some Spring Sing with, “There is nothin’ like a daaaaamm. Nothin’. Like. A daaammme…” and to the Spring Sing committee… well, she won’t say anything. After all, it’s the GMAT. Who would lie about that?

6.Where will she actually be?

She will either be at the Getty Villa committing to memory all of the amazing things many rubes travel from far and wide to “ooo-and-awe” only to return to their rube nests and brag to their friends who can’t afford such trips about all of the amazing things they “ooo’d-and-awe’d” while their friends internally roll their eyes or she’ll be with Claus, her septuagenarian, Polish mentor in his dark, dank office located just east of downtown Los Angeles in the industrial pocket known as Vernon. On this particular day, as she sets out down the hallway toward Claus’ office, running a hand along sweating walls – sweating as if they alone understand the severity of the crimes – she realizes that in her short life this is the only place she has ever connected with her authentic self. Upon entering the office she does not find Claus, instead she is met by her first solo acquisition, Vermeer’s “The Concert.”  She realizes Claus’ absence is deliberate, the gift of solitude to bask in her great accomplishment. A smile creeps onto her face and as she studies the masterpiece she whispers to herself the words of Simon de Pury, “We are only guardians of these works during our lifetime and we can’t take them with us. So, if it’s a shorter time so what. It’s all in our head at the end of the day.”

Only one question remains for the college junior and that is, “What could they possibly be performing?”

8. Making believe I wasn’t in the picture, what other person’s questions would you agree to answer?

The illustrious Mr. Howard Schatz.

9. This one again. Okay, assume I’ve shape-shifted into Mr. Schatz; how would you respond to the following?

a. The woman who wears you is told by her husband that he is leaving her for her best friend. Fueled by ire and disillusionment the woman murders the husband and best friend with a nail gun and uses you to wipe down the weapon and all surfaces in an effort to leave behind not a trace of evidence.

b. You happen upon a reenactment of the crime on”I (Almost) Got Away With It” and are none too happy with your re-creation.

c. You are put up for auction on ebay by the seller ‘Garments of a Murderess’ and sell for a whopping $123.876.00.



In all over, Howard Schatz on April 25, 2011 at 8:15pm04

1. What is your idea of the perfect day trip?

Afternoon tea inside myself.

2. If you could style yourself what would be the accoutrements?

A Haider Ackermann blazer, Karen Walker ‘Agent’ shades, T.U.K. creepers and a Comme Des Garcons wallet.


3. If you could be reimagined by another artist who would you choose?

John Currin.

4. What is your most recent, ingenious discovery?

For all of those sweet beans that don’t make the final, aesthetic cut, Jelly Belly packages and sells a series of jellybeans called Belly Flops.  Learn to market failure.  Somewhere that should be a mantra for life.

5. What would you like to see more of?

Me on others.  Let’s be honest, I make a statement.  More often than not, the statement is, “Where is that exactly?” Nevertheless, it’s a statement still.

6. What would you like to see less of?

Age appropriate dressing grids.  When it comes to fashion, rules seem to have an air of the oxymoronic.

7. What do you think the woman wearing you is currently looking for in a man?

 A beard, patience and journeyed  Clarks.


8. Making believe I wasn’t in the picture, what other person’s questions would you agree to answer?

The genius Howard Schatz.

9. Assume I’ve shape-shifted into Mr. Schatz; how would you respond to the following?

a. The leader of a religious cult, new on the scene, has decided you will be the official uniform of choice.

b. A baby belonging to your owner’s best friend has chosen to introduce leaky diaper, by way of too much asparagus, into its repertoire while nuzzled against you.

c.  The husband of your owner has just excused himself from a dinner party honoring his wife in order to sneak upstairs, slip you on and sing “Easy” by Lionel Richie to his reflection in the mirror.