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Archive for the ‘Fran Lebowitz’ Category


In feet, Fran Lebowitz on August 12, 2017 at 8:15am08


1. If you could choose your accoutrements what would they be?

A Bailey Western Cowboy hat, a vintage jeweled bolero, a Cynthia Rowley wetsuit and Mr. Zog’s Sex Wax.





2. Is there a film you dream of appearing in?

“Do the Right Thing,” on Rosie as Tina.



3. What is your favorite Janus word?




4. If you could choose any artist to reimagine you, who would it be?



Antworks in Progress – Pink Leaf, 2012, from “The Leafcutters” series


5. Do you have a favorite malapropism?

Having one wife is called monotony.


6. If you could appear in any photograph what would it be?

On Deneuve by Newton.

Screen Shot 2017-01-06 at 9.39.50 AM.png


7.  If I were not in the picture what other person’s questions would you choose to answer?

Fran Lebowitz’s.



8. Aaaaand here we go… I do not, for the life of me, understand it. What is it with this-

Take a breath. You didn’t let me finish. Fran as Judge Janice Goldberg on “Law and Order.” See there? Technically, not the same person. And that’s because Judge Janice is a character. Because Lady Lebowitz is also an actress.  A woman who wears many hats. Multifaceted



9. Are you done?

Never.  She knows her way around the spoken word – Fran I’m referring to – although I’m sure Judge Janice knows how to string a few beautiful sentences together too. And – Fran – she doesn’t care who she’s speaking to. We should all heed what’s coming out of her mouth is all I’m saying. Especially in today’s world. Her words will set you free, bring you face to face with your core self. But then again, I’m just a bootie and so what do I know? A lot! Because I. Listen. To. Fran-

*I walked away as the Margiela continued on and on and on…


painting by Francesco Clemente




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In feet, Fran Lebowitz on November 9, 2013 at 8:15pm11


1. If given the chance, what would you choose as your accoutrements?

A Clare Deve necklace, a Balmain velvet blazer, a pair of ‘Fayza’ Diesel jeans and a Maison Martin Margiela (ca. 2007) clutch.





2. Is there anyone out there representing houndstooth besides those wearing you?

That would be Ricky. I think it’s pretty obvious our paths will never ever cross and I’m not upset by that fact, but I do have to admire his commitment to the pattern. And he’s never suitable for work, so don’t even try it.

3. Let’s say we removed fire and brimstone from the end-of-days menu, what do you think would take its place?

A Twitter rant.


4. Are you more Michael & Kelly or more Michael Kelly?




I’m going with Mr. Kelly. His reading of “Joyland” was the perfect complement to Mr. King’s words.



5. What is the woman wearing you looking for in a partner?
She’d like to know the person sleeping next to her loves London Grammar as much as she does if not more.
6. If not you then what?

A closing argument.

7. Is there something you oft think about?

This picture of a young Fran Lebowitz and what she must have been thinking about.


8. Uh… That’s not Fran. You know that, right?

Keep telling yourself that.


9. Right. But in all honesty, it’s really not her. Now, I know you all deem her the ultimate get. She’s vengeful, wears the hell out of a cowboy boot although some of you prefer her in a tasteful loafer, she’s great to cuddle with while listening to “Besame Mucho” and she’s not a fan of those spilling their guts in conversation. All of that I get, I no longer question any it even if every part of me longs to, however, I have to draw the line at blatant lies! I’m sorry but this ends now! Okay?!

It’s Fran.



In Fran Lebowitz, upper body on February 7, 2013 at 8:15pm02


1. If you could style yourself what would you choose as the accouterments?

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2. Very funny. And why aren’t I surprised?

Because I’m predictable. However, predictability, in my case, works. I’m ripped off, cloned, copied to the point of homage. You are looking at a standard-bearer so coveted it would be a crime to not give the people what they want, what they need.


3. What is something we don’t know about you that would surprise us?

If I could, I’d be worn by James Hetfield busting through my seams, while he and the rest of the boys perform “No Leaf Clover.” Or on Fran, of course, but I mean, we all wanna be on Fran so that’s no big shock.

4. What is it with garments and Fran freakin’ Lebowitz?! Can something please explain this to me?!

Take it easy. For starters, she wears the hell out of a cowboy boot, k? Although, I prefer her in a nice loafer. She’s vengeful which is always fun. And lastly, she’ll never be caught dead in me which taps into my masochistic side like gangbusters.


5. What is an interesting observation you’ve made as of late?

The world in which you exist truly is that of a man’s.


6. Huh. I’d have to wholly disagree, but at the same time, I’m intrigued. What makes you say this?

There are extremely unattractive gentlemen roaming the planet who openly admit to being, in general, horrible mates which leads me to believe these men got a chance to test out the theory more than once. Ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies… I’m sure Scott Speedman knows his way around a joke or two, at the very least the man knows how to laugh at them. Not only that, but my money’s on a few C-grade (god willing) impressions.  Anywho, he’s tall and greets you with this face in the morning…

UA Battery Park StadiumMmmm… See what I mean? All pills — terrible impressions, can’t build merde, if the car breaks down the only option’s to call Triple-A — every single one of those pills will go down a lot easier this way if they do, in fact, go down to begin with. In the meantime, Jon don’t need to do a damn thing…

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Marone a mi… Moving right along, Dae might actually be overkill at this point but, that aside, can we please take a moment and send thanks to the gods? That face is criminal.


And while Dae’s doin’ what he do, Idris can be mute and communicate through blinks for all anyone cares. Wait. One sec. I’m imagining Idris communicating through blinks. That is some precious stuff. Okay.


And if ABC World News knows how the game’s played then why, pray tell, don’t you? “Oh, but my guy’s so funny.” Who cares! “But my guy’s so smart and successful.” Shut! Up! Muir’s got those huntin’ eyes, by the way. You better watch your back, anchors. My boy’s a comer.


My point is, if you’re going to be treated like donkey balls, well then, you best make it count. I can help you but you have got to start helping yourselves. And here’s the good part. If, and that’s only if the Scotts, Jons, Idrises and Davids of the world should do you dirty in a brutal way, at least you can look back and say, “You know what? I done good. Sure, my hearts broken into a million, little pieces and I don’t want to leave my bed for the next seven years, however, someone extremely good-looking brought me here and that makes me feel–” She won’t be able to finish the sentence because she’ll burst into tears but she will feel happy. HAPPY!

7. Wow. And here I thought Chanel tweed wasn’t- What’s the word? Is it shallow?

Mon dieu, woman. It’s not shallow if it’s common sense. And like I said, this advice lives only in the confines of being treated horribly by unattractive dudes, shrouded in cockiness who have the nerve to serially, yes, that’s serially, treat the perfect vessels that you are horribly. These heartless creatures and the slabs of Silly Putty they’re trying to pass off as physiques are looking natural order in the face and laughing. It’s time to take back your womanhood thus your lives! We deserve hotness in every sense of the word! I implore all who are currently harboring pudgy, self-centered mates to turn to them and tell them to run as fast as they can to a gym! Preferably the one Tom Brady’s working out at, offer Tom more money than what the Patriots and all other endorsements can so he can return to you, pretending to be your boyfriend. Believe me when I say it will take you about five seconds to buy the lie as you say, “You don’t look anything like Noah.” Then Tom will say, “I’m Noah.” Then you’ll say, “K!” Betty, Emmeline, Audra, Naomi, Maxine, Bey, Gloria, Margaret, Eleanor, Flo, Alanis, Rigoberta, Adele, Sarojini…












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…every single one would back me on this and that’s because they’re the baddest in the game! Plus, isn’t that the entire foundation for the feminist movement, exactly what the suffragettes tirelessly marched for with those poster boards obscuring their outfits?! I never really understood the point to that, but I digress.

International-Feminism-01 suffragettes

And before you cut in with more asinine question about favorite songs, and malapropisms or what I’d like to return as, please explain to me what made you long for Derrick who kicked you on the playground? Or Peter who revealed to you that you had a mustache during debate? Or Emmett who treated you like you didn’t exist throughout intramurals? You chose them because they were hot. That’s it. Hot. End of story.

8. How in the hell do you know about any of them?

Have we met? I’m omnipresent. Anyway, the fact remains that you ladies have moved far, far away from your primeval behaviors. Eve would be very ashamed and that’s because Adam was gorgeous. Oh yeah… She wouldn’t have gone near him otherwise, immaculate conception would’ve moved way up in the program, Cain would’ve been the son of God, yadda, yadda, yadda… The whole thing would’ve been a real mess.


9. Aaah! This is quite possibly the craziest sit-down I’ve ever had! You’re so wrong! We choose based on what we feel in our hearts, down deep in our souls! Looks and height and all the other superficial crap you’re tossing out are just that, crap! I’m sorry! Love and attraction are things impossible to put a face on, even if the other should treat you badly! It all exists on levels no one can ever figure out no matter how hard they try! And furthermore, who’s to say you can’t–

Don’t hurt yourself, Bradshaw. Now, if you heed the advice I’m giving — gratis, by the way — then you’ll go places. Don’t and, well, you have my prayers. I’m Chanel tweed, after all. I’ve been round long enough to have seen some things. I’d also like to say in closing, my hope is for every woman and man to find love on both a mature and respectful level. I’m not a total monster.


In Fran Lebowitz, stuff on January 24, 2013 at 8:15pm01


1. If you could style yourself what would you choose as the accoutrements?

A Thakoon Addition, African floral dress, the Thakoon Addition, African floral trousers, a Saint Laurent trench and a pair of Burak Uyan T-bar pumps.


2. You’re watching the “Thomas Crown Affair.” Do you prefer the casual McQueen or the to-the-nines McQueen?

Since the option of bathing in McQueen was not offered, I’d have to go with the following McQueen…


3. What song is the woman carrying you getting seductively undressed to?

4. Oof… I did not see that one coming. What exactly is happening here?

Right?! And keep in mind, she and the husband are only 25. Anyway, from what I can glean — and this is all second-hand because I’m tucked in the way back of that godforsaken, monstrosity of a closet where I can’t hear a damn thing — they lost the spark. It’s no one’s fault. It’s everyone’s fault. They’ve simply hit a slump.

5. Why, for the love of god, is she getting seductively undressed to what I’d imagine her side of their therapy session sounds like set to song? I love Barbra, by the way.

Who doesn’t love Barbra? However, if I was in charge of the evening “Pop That” would be on a loop. I dare anyone to not introduce romance back into the bedroom with those melodic sounds flowing through.

6. Charming. Moving along. Who was your favorite person to be carried by?

That awesome and amazing, not to mention, very innovative woman who when walking through a Lilliputian size antique shop filled with tchotchkes of the porcelain, glass and expensive variety, turned to focus on a mother-of-pearl Trojan Horse, which in turn allowed me to knock over absolutely everything on a table positioned right behind her, only to whip around to see the destruction I hath wrought allowing me to knock over absolutely everything on another table that was now positioned right behind her. My god, I’m getting goosebumps just thinking about it.

7. If you could be carried by anyone whom would it be?

Easy. Frances Ann.lebowitz-fran-051102

8. I’m sorry but I just don’t get it. What’s the big deal with this woman?

*The PS 13 got physical*

9.Ouch! What’d you do that for?!

It’s simple. I love Fran. We. All. Love. Fran.


In bits, Fran Lebowitz on May 30, 2012 at 8:15am05

1. If you could style yourself what would you choose as the accoutrements?

Like a flexed foot is to a modern jazz routine or a license plate with an American flag backdrop is to a monster truck inhabited by a driver who isn’t too keen on the existence of minorities or those in same-sex relationships, I am to my partner in crime, the Fleur of England  thong.

2. I recently ran into the Fleur of England brief and it had a few choice words for you. Would you care to comment?

Here’s the deal. Nothing likes being told it’s over but the fact of the matter is the thong gets me. Not only that, it gives me a sense of freedom, a bouquet of youth and careless abandon, which, unfortunately, is something full coverage could never accomplish and frankly, doesn’t really care to anymore.

3. Say I wasn’t in the picture, what other person’s questions would you answer?

Skip E. Lowe’s while being worn by Mamie Van Doren.

 4. If you had to pick a trousseau to appear in whose would you choose, a Currin or a Crumb?

Does Crumb‘s lot even know what a trousseau is? Definitely a Currin.

5. If you had one thing to say to your new owner what would it be?

*laughs hysterically* Get it?! I’m a delicate! I’m sorry, I couldn’t help it. You teed it up so nicely.

6. What is the woman wearing you currently daydreaming about?

How she rather be editing her short film about a 96-year-old man watching old, hand-cranked, 16 frames-per-second footage of himself and his first love frolicking on the beach set to Debussy’s “Claire de Lune.” This one’s fresh out of film school therefore everything she dreams up is ultra twee and precious. All of that aside, the poor thing’s daydreaming because she’s currently locked in a “16 and Pregnant” editing bay that smells like eggs because her boss thinks eating hot eggs in tiny, closed off spaces is fun for all involved.

7. The woman wearing you arrives at home after a long, hard day of making being sixteen and with child appear remotely awesome. What does she dream about after kicking off her shoes and falling onto the bed?

First things first, she’ll dip into an emergency stash of the potent Granddaddy Purple then kick off her shoes and fall onto the bed. After a few, much-needed imbibes, dreams won’t be necessary because she will naturally shrink down to the size of plankton and surf on Graydon Carter‘s hair. While he dines with Joad Cressbeckler. And Fran. And one more Joad. At Elaine’s. Naked.

8. *clears throat* Just out of curiosity, if one happened to be interested in this Grandaddy Purple you speak of where could one, let’s say, *clears throat* purchase it?

One should talk to Yohan over at Quick’s Stop-n-Go.

9. That’s east of here, right?

Yeah. Hey, where are you going? O-kay, I guess we’re done here.


In Fran Lebowitz, stuff on December 7, 2011 at 8:15pm12

1. If you could style yourself what would you choose as the accoutrements?

An Adri Lara necklace, the AllSaints ‘Marail’ dress, a Sonia Rykiel scarf and a pair of  Dolce & Gabbana sandals.

2. If you had to choose, Bob or Margaret?

Bob, no doubt. Together his nipples and belly button make an “uh oh” face, for God’s sake.

3. Is there an instrumental song you like so much, you wish it had lyrics?

“Take Five” by the Dave Brubeck Quartet.

4. Do you have a favorite poem?

It Dropped So Low In My Regard 

 — Emily Dickinson

It dropped so low in my regard

I heard it hit the ground

And go to pieces on the stones

At the bottom of my mind;

Yet blamed the fate that fractured, less

Then I reviled myself

For entertaining plated wares

Upon my silver shelf

5. What is the most uncomfortable position a person can find themselves in?

At a party where the only person you know is the person who brought you. Somehow while  deciding upon which cupcake to devour – red velvet or blue (Yes, they’re making blue now and I’m not mad.) – your friend decides to disappear, leaving you to hover in the middle of the kitchen unable to make a smooth transition into any of the many conversation pockets happening simultaneously. You know this because when you try to stealthily meld into a 7-top about lactose intolerance everyone looks to you as if you’ve just announced you’ve been corresponding with the Night Stalker and the two of you are set to marry next Wednesday, “Nothing too lavish. Mainly because he’s in prison for a Beelzebub themed serial killing spree. I’m thinking I’ll wear purple. Too much?” If you had balls — and your car parked outside – you’d be smart to quote Fran Lebowitz to the entire room and storm out.

6. What would one quote of Ms. Lebowitz’s?

“Spilling your guts in conversation is just as charming as it sounds.” But I digress. Onto the next pocket. Oh, well this one’s splendid. I’m suddenly blinded by shearling collars, plaid flannels, Wayfarer sunglasses at night and apathetic, monosyllabic sentences. Don’t get me started. Too late. It’s like some sign of the “Williamsburg done did the deed with Silver Lake” apocalypse. We all know these types. They feed off of making you feel like an idiot who has no right hobnobbing amongst the hipster-elite if you haven’t heard the first and last xylophone-laden, indie hit belonging to 12-year-old, half Dutch, half Sri Lankan, sharecropping, fraternal twins hiding away in a bomb shelter somewhere in Red Hook. Do you even dare? Yeah, skip it. Who can honestly afford to visit the therapist twice in one week? And here you are back in the middle. And there’s always that one person, just yucking it up, the life of the party, the mayor as it were. How do they do it? Always with the right thing to say, saying it the right way one should say it — feel free to sub in “most insufferable” in the place of “right.” And since the kitchen is always the epicenter of a party, you find that you’re not just hovering but you’re hovering in the middle of the epicenter which is just a bad position to be in at any time during life. Hovering in the middle of the epicenter. Yes, it’s as scary as it sounds.

7. If you could be reimagined by another artist who would it be?

Lui Bolin.

8. If you could be carried by anyone who would it be?

That woman daydreaming about being that woman who sends out tweets like “Snowing in Shanghai! Live life!” or “Morning! MUAH! ; -)” or “Miffed by the fact I just nicked my clog in the souk. Sadsy face. Still love you Marrakesh! Ur not the Ochre city 4 nuthin!” or “At @thesmilenyc sitting between Jay-Z and Noam Chomsky discussing the Pythagorean Theorem. Jay calling Pythagoras’ bluff! HA! Silly Hova!”

9. What is that woman doing instead of the glorious things she daydreams of tweeting about?

Instead, she’s running calls and getting coffee in Muncie for a man with rosacea, a penile implant, eyes that think her breasts are her eyes and a dirty-gold toupee so jutting and crisp it doubles as a visor. No pictures needed for any of the aforementioned realities; they’re brutal enough in one’s own mind.


In Fran Lebowitz, upper body on January 25, 2011 at 8:15pm01

1. What is an interesting fact about you?

I’m all business in the front but a party in the back.

2. If you could find anything in your pockets what would it be?

Forgotten candy still in the wrapper

3. If not you then what?

A Haider Ackermann silk  jacket.

4. If you could choose one person to be worn by, who would it be?

Fran Lebowitz.

5. What is one word a blazer should always live by?


6. You’re on your way to the gallows, what’s the final meal?

Who have you been talking to? Am I being set up? I was just along for the ride. I had no idea what they were planning. No idea! But you should’ve seen it! They had her —  and then they took him and —

7.  So, next question. What is something you value in a person?

Their ability to not know their way around hatchets, crossbows, silencers and quicklime.

8. Right. What is something you would like to see less of?


9. Let’s try for a softball. What is your favorite animal?

Kittens! Fluffy, happy, innocent kittens.