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Archive for the ‘feet’ Category


In black widow, feet on July 8, 2011 at 8:15am07

1. Who or what do you remind people of?

A magician’s assistant who has met with foul play one too many times during the ol’ saw-a-person-in-half trick.

2. If you could choose to be reimagined by another artist who would it be?

Robert Mcginnis

3. If you could style yourself what would be the accoutrements?

A vintage Versace Jeans dress, a Kenneth Jay Lane ring, a Satomi Kawakita ring and Prada shades.


4. What is something a person should always leave home without?

An inflated ego.

5. What is the woman currently wearing you looking for in a man?

The woman whose possession I happen to be in doesn’t wear me and further to your point, she’s content with being alone.

6. Who is the most interesting person you’ve ever been worn by?

A black widow and I’m not referring to the spider, rather, the lady of a certain age who terminates the lives of rich husbands.

7. Do you know how many rich husbands have been terminated?

In alphabetical order:

#1 Courtney Boufner.  No clue where his money came from. She didn’t ask nor did she care.

#2 Shep Dreary. Manufacturer of condiment packets — mustard, relish and ketchup to name a few. I was quite fond of ol’ Shep.  He had custom-made,  just for me, solid gold shoehorns.

#3 Alan Kaulson. A larger-than-life bon vivant, dandy of sorts. Al took over his father’s mining business. Of course, he promptly ran it into the ground but not before siphoning off 34.6 million bucks into an offshore account. And by offshore, I’m referring to Antigua.

8. Was the black widow ever captured and convicted of the crimes?

Yes. To tell you the truth, I was relieved. Even though she knew how to wear the hell out of me and possessed a strut given to her by the gods, I was relieved.

9. What happened to you post capture and conviction?

I was shipped off to her estranged, librarian, spinster sister in Duluth. The two hadn’t seen or spoken to one another in over 25 years. And even though the librarian, spinster sister from Duluth made the hard decision post arrest to never see or speak to the black widow for the rest of her days, she will periodically slip me on in order to trigger back to their days as army brats in Kaiserslautern. Back to the days of weekend trips into Berlin for Truffaut and Godard retrospectives. Back to the days of sitting atop a hill overlooking the Black Forest, dreaming of the moment they’re old enough to leave home and travel the world together. Back to that day in Munich, standing amongst the crowds in Olympiapark, clasping hands while nervously waiting for news on the fates of the 11 Israeli athletes at the hands of Black September — an event the librarian silently swears is what  did away with her sister’s faith in humanity and set in motion her decent into evil. Back to the days when black widows were only spiders.


In feet on May 4, 2011 at 8:15pm05

1.What are you feeling at the moment?

Loafer:                               Mary Jane:

As if  — That was directed — I beg to —            A little — That was for me  — I don’t  —

2.  I see we might have  a problem going forward. Let’s start with the Mary Jane. What are you feeling at the moment?


3. Loafer?

Encroached upon.

4. Loafer, if you could style yourself what would be the accoutrements?

Vanessa Bruno woven shorts, Theyskens’ Theory ‘Jago’ satin blazer, a Splendid cotton T-shirt and Topshop pointelle ankle socks.

5. Mary Jane, same question.

Because I consider myself to take life a little less seriously than let’s say a… loafer, I’d have to go with the Lela Rose silk-organza skirt, a Preen cropped cardigan,  a Zero + Maria Cornejo multi strap bandeau and an Odile Gilbert hair pin.

6. The U.S. presidential campaign season is fresh out of the gate. Loafer, you’re running for president; why do you deserve my vote?

It was sometime in the 1930s when my Norwegian ancestors decided to go forth and spread the news of their existence to the rest of the continent. A fateful encounter with an American would bring them here to these united states and into the hearts and minds of New Hampshire’s Spaulding family. After much painstaking development and hard work, the Spauldings would bear a shoe and they would call it “the loafer.” I’d go on to become a fixture amongst sects so diverse they would include the landed gentry,  housewives, businessmen, prepsters and Michael Jackson. It is the ability to transition smoothly from leisure to business at a moment’s notice I believe will make me the perfect candidate to lead this country. And so in closing, with socks or without, the choice will always be yours. Thank you and God bless America. Oh! One more thing. I’d also reinstate the Glass-Steagall Act. Okay, now I’m done.

7. Mary Jane, why do I want you as the leader of the free world?

Well, the previous answer’s a pretty tough act to follow but I’ll try. *deep breath* As God as my witness, I will not rest until every person of this great land has a reality show, clothing line, bag line, capsule collection, CD dropping, jazz hands, bun in the oven, Facebook page, cookbook, blog, narcolepsy, kleptomania, a slight cold and Twitter happy trigger fingers… or is it trigger happy Twitter fingers?

Loafer: You see what I have to deal with? Nothing’s ever taken seriously.

Mary Jane: So I should emulate you, a shoe let’s not forget, and answer the question honestly.

Loafer: Hey, Sarah Palin came this close. FranklyI think you’re just insecure because you were inspired by Buster Brown’s sister. I mean, how far down on the totem pole does one have to travel in order for their moniker to be that of a secondary comic strip character?

8. It’s clear there’s some tension. Where do you go from here? Loafer, you first.

Loafer: It’s hard for me to say, honestly.

Mary Jane: Seems to me like you had no problem.

Loafer: This is every second of the day, mind you. Other times it’s downright caustic.

Mary Jane: Come on! That was funny!

Loafer: It’s not like I can get away from it. I don’t think it’s too much to ask for a little space every now and again, but who am I?

Mary Jane: A loafer who loves to play the victim. Look, we just have two very different ways of looking at the world. Mine’s not uptight, while the loafer’s… well, let’s just say a night with a pro might not be a bad idea.

Loafer: Charming. Anyway, I can’t help but think the brain trust behind our conception got a little chuckle after relishing in the completion of the  finished product. At last, however, we’re not just things to be toyed with, mashed together on a fleeting whim like some Girl Talk creation. These are individual lives you’re dealing with. Actual lives.

Mary Jane: First of all, Girl Talk is amazing. Secondly, I’m just afraid SJP won’t wanna wear me with this monkey on my back.

Loafer: SJ —  Monkey?! Okay, that’s it!

9. Should I break this up?

Loafer:              Mary Jane:

NO!                  Gaahhh!


In feet on February 23, 2011 at 8:15pm02

1. When walking into a packed club, what’s the first thing you like to hear?

“Oowah Oowah!”

2. Is there a dance that you would like to see make a comeback?

The Electric Slide.  As far as I’m concerned, it is groupthink’s finest hour.

3. Overrated is?

The ability to say goodbye to yesterday.

4. What is a word that you would like to soon see retire?


5.  Are you aware that “wanksta” was actually retired around nine years ago?

Well, considering I myself am a fresh take on a relic making a recent, yet gradual comeback, I consider it pretty forward thinking of me to assume the word was actually still in rotation, thus a top contender for retirement.

6. What?

Next question please.

7. If not you then what?

In keeping with the spirit of keeping it contemporarily real, a Kangol felt hat.

8. Who do you admire most?

Those who get lodged in sartorial time periods in addition to newbies with a taste for ironic fashions.

9. What is your greatest achievement?

The additional Velcro strap. Honestly, I feel like I’ve arrived.


In feet on October 11, 2010 at 8:15am10

1. What is the public’s biggest misconception of you?

I’m hard to walk in.

2.  What are you most suspicious of?

Turtlenecks.  They’re definitely hiding something.

3. Where are you happiest?

Standing in front of Alexander Liberman’s “Two Circles.”

4. What is something you would like to experience for just one day?

The world without stylists.  It would be a mess but one of individuality.

5. If you could style yourself, what would be the accoutrements?

A French Connection skirt, Erdem trench, Dorothy Perkins spot tights and a Delfina Delettrez bracelet.

6. Overrated is?

Staying power.

7. If not you then what?

The Puma 917 Mid Houston Street trainers.

8. What is your least favorite question?

Are we there yet?

9. If you could be worn by anyone whom would you choose?

Sue Ellen Ewing.


In feet on September 8, 2010 at 8:15pm09

1. Do you have a favorite occupation?

Sandhog.  Respect.


2. If you could be worn by anyone who would it be?

Hyacinth Bucket (pronounced “Bouquet”) whilst she tends to her mulch.


3. What do you consider to be the most annoying self declaration?

I got skills.

4. If not you then what?

A Junya Watanabe single-breasted coat with seam detail.


5. What is your favorite animal.

Ahh… you think I’m gonna say the caribou, however, I’m much more dynamic than that.   A duck-billed platypus.

6. Of all the phantonyms what is your favorite?

Noisome.  It means smelly.

7. What is the public’s biggest misconception of you?

I enjoy accompanying people in harsh weather.

8. Choosing from the plethora of folkloric variants to describe the meteorological phenomenon known as a sunshower, do you have a favorite?

I’d have to go with Tennessee’s, “The devil is kissing his wife.”


9. Overrated?

A pair of wellies.


In feet on September 4, 2010 at 8:15pm09

1. Where do you feel at home?

Hmm hm.

2. Are you a lover or a fighter?

Mhmnhh.Mmhmhmh Mhmmmnmnm Hmnoohha. Ohohohohoh.

3. If not you then what?


4. What is your greatest fear?


5. Do you have a favorite book?


6. Are there song lyrics you feel particularly close to?


7. Who would you like to be worn by?

Mmh mmh.

8. What is your favorite random thought?

Mmhm mmhm hm.

9.   What is the public’s biggest misconception of you?

Hmm mhh mmh mhmhm hmnnnhm mhhhmmm… hmmmh.  Hhmmmnn hmnnhh, “Hnhmhn hhhm nnmmnhmn?!”  Mmhmh!


In feet on September 1, 2010 at 8:15pm09

1. What animal do you remind people of?

The Alpaca.


2. What do you consider to be the most overrated achievement?

Staying power.

3. Where do you feel at home?

Trudging through the grassy hills of the Swiss canton Vaud.


4. If you could style yourself, what would be the accoutrements?

A Wolford bodysuit, Vila coat, Topshop sequin skirt and Banana Republic dark grey tights.

5. Who’s editorial would you commit a crime to appear in?

Edward Enninful’s.


6. Do you have a particular crime in mind?

i-D  theft.  Get it! I might appear severe but I got jokes.

7. If not you then what?

The ever elusive Kenzo fur wedge.


8.  What is your least favorite question?

Are you serious?

9. The perfect way for one to describe your demise would be?

I turned back round and they were gone.


In feet on August 31, 2010 at 8:15am08

1. If you could style yourself, what would be the accoutrements?

The Rag & Bone cardigan and cropped sweater, Toast peg-top trousers and a Missoni turban.

2.  Who would you like to see yourself on?

Any one of these bitches.

3. What is your mood at the moment?

Get back to me on that.

4. Headbutt or clothesline?


5.  If you could dine with one person, fictional or real, who would it be?

Salad Fingers.

6. If not you then what?

The  low-cut ankle boot by Acne.

7. What is the weirdest question you have been asked in recent history?

“Would you like your bacon crispy or regular?” Is bacon not synonymous with being crispy?

8.  Where do you feel at home?

Anywhere, just as long as I’m rocking the bells.

9. What is your favorite parting word?