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Archive for the ‘Cousin’ Category


In Cousin, stuff on September 19, 2014 at 8:15pm09




1. Hiya! So, my cousin, the one usually asking the questions? Well, she’s otherwise indisposed in another country and so I’ve been tapped to sit down with you. Don’t worry, not only am I a journalism major but I’ve done this before. I’m pretty sure it was something pinstriped, a sweater maybe? Anywho, let’s get started, shall we? If you could accouter yourself, what items would you choose?

Well… Hmm… Well… Okay, time out for second? I actually talked to a friend which was actually the Fausto Puglisi, tartan, bomber jacket that you interviewed — not a sweater at all and definitely not pinstriped. Anyway, I was told that no matter what I do I shouldn’t do a sit down if you’re the one asking the questions. The instructions were tonally emphatic. I mean, I don’t know you and I hate to judge based on another’s assessment but I’m kind of going through some things and being sent over the edge is quite possibly the last thing I need. I’m so sorry.

Are we still on the time out?


Okay. Well, that was then and I was going through some things too but this is now and I’m fine. You of all things should be a little more understanding but hey, we can’t all come into existence with a kind soul.

Well, I guess a few innocent questions can’t hurt. Maybe it’ll get my mind off of everything? 

1. That’s the spirit! Now, as I was asking, what accoutrements would you choose to complete your look?

A 10 Crosby sweater, a Boutique, satin shirt, a pair of Current/Elliott jeans and the Emilio Pucci ankle boot.

derek lam

current and elliotimg-thing-1

2. Beautiful! Great taste! If you could exist during any time period besides now, what would it be?

The late nineties, the period of the baguette, little compact numbers that snuggled up on the shoulder. Fendi had the vice grip on that particular trend. Dior was there to represent as well. And I think Gucci? Also, let us not forget Canal Street if you know what I’m sayin’. I’d wink but… Anyway, remember? The nineties baguette?


 3. I was just a wee one but I’ll take your word for it. If you could be carried by anyone, whom would it be?

I’m going to catch hell for this but I’m a fan of the hands–free woman. Something about a woman who, at most, needs only a delicate credit card/ID holder out in the world for hours on end I simply find sexy.


4. Interesting. Do you think that’s why you like her so much, because she doesn’t need you, frankly, doesn’t even want you?

Gosh, I never really thought about it like that but I guess, yeah, maybe that’s why. But what does that mean? That has to be bad, right, to want the person who doesn’t even know you’re there?


(photo: Stanley Kubrick for Look Magazine)

5. Well, it can’t be good. Mainly because ultimately you should want to be held by someone who wants to hold you. If not, you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of chasing a carrot you’ll never be able to tame. And what if one day she gets her hands on you — let’s say, you’re given to her as a gift. An exquisite gift, obviously — who’s to say you won’t sit in the closet day in day out, hoping, waiting for a day that’ll never come? Believe me, that’ll get old very fast. The glossy sheen of the unattainable is the most worthless one there is. Have you ever thought of yourself as a masochist?

What are those?


6. Basically, you get off on being treated horribly. Have you ever felt that sensation?

No. Hell no. That would make me crazy and pathetic.


7. There’s no need to be so harsh. Let me rephrase. Do you sometimes feel unworthy?

If I’m being completely honest, yes. I know it makes no sense since I’m an “It” bag, well covered in the coveted department, everyone wants me, to have me hanging from your arm, in some circles, makes you appear better than the rest. Maybe that’s just it. What you see on the outside isn’t at all what’s happening on the inside. It’s not who I am at my core. Oh god, I feel like such a fraud. These poor people are out there thinking they’re carrying around something robust and commanding and in charge but in the end, it’s simply lost.


8. Okay, this is going in the opposite direction of what I’d hoped and so let’s switch course altogether. What is something you like about yourself?

Hmmm… Let me think… Well, I’ve got layers. Yeah, I’ve got things to say, deep thoughts, opinions even. Like, why don’t more men carry purses? There you go. It makes no sense. You’ve slapped a gender gap on the ability to transport items to and fro. Call me crazy and no shade, of course, but I highly doubt the nineties, Fendi baguette is having such thoughts. Dior discussing gender gaps? I think not! The differences between the sexes are being debated on Canal Street, the valley of bootleg dreams? Yeah, right! God, I feel so alive! The Puglisi has no idea what it’s talking about!


9. See there?! You’ve got depth. You’re not just another depot for stuff. You’re much, much more than some staycation for wallets and scarves and leather, initial engraved notebooks and phones filled with pictures of you and him and a lock of his hair and state-of-the-art binoculars and night vision goggles and a key to his place that he has no idea you still have and a black bodysuit and a ski mask and a pair of tabi boots, the same ones actual ninjas wear, and a blueprint of his loft that shows all the hollow points behind the walls just in case you might need a place to hold up for a while and a container filled with peanuts and bees because apparently the new girl’s violently allergic to both and lastly, the jar of collected tears that if poured onto a flat surface would definitely spell out the Brenda Walsh classic, “WE WERE SO THERE!” See?! You’re so much more! How do you feel now?!






In Cousin, upper body on November 8, 2013 at 8:15pm11


1. Listen, my cousin? Well, she had an emergency and couldn’t be here so, you’re stuck with me. Okay, let’s do this. Now, if you could choose your– Whatever, you know how the story ends, right?

I do! I would choose a Topshop tee, a Fausto Puglisi skirt, a pair of Fogal pantyhose and the Lanvin lace-up heel!



2. What is making you very happy at the moment even though the world thoroughly sucks?

Oookay. Well, autumn is upon us, a time of year that always gives full reign to my pattern — plaid, tartan… Call it what you will. The fact is, I’m here to rule the season, so look out world!

3. What’s your most cherished moment not that anyone really cares because people are selfish creatures who only care about themselves?

Are you okay, dear? I only ask because I’m sensing there might be a problem. We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.


4. I’m fine. A most cherished moment, please?

Right. Well, my pattern has always played a very big part when it comes to back-to-school outfits and so I’d have to say that would be my most cherished moment. Being worn on the first day of school by a person ready to take on the new school year armed with a great attitude, the willingness to learn and the want to be kind to everyone!

4. Ha! Good luck selling that. Anyway… is there a song that best represents you and your kind?

and just because…

5. Are you aware you’re a fraud? Follow me as we travel over to the land of facts: “The Irish never wore tartan or kilts of any colour. The traditional dress of the medieval Irish and Scottish Gaels was a linen shirt dyed yellow with saffron (the ‘leine-croich’). Tartan was a late development in Scotland (it’s not recorded before the 16th century), and the kilt was a later development still. About a hundred years ago Irish patriots were casting about for an Irish ‘national dress,’ and they invented a saffron-coloured kilt for men, and for women they invented the silly little frock-and-shoulder-plaid outfit, embellished with ‘Celtic’ interlace decoration, that Irish dancers wear. But the operative word here is ‘invented.’ These clothes have no genuine, ethnic origin,” signed Yahoo Answers. Basically, your whole thing’s a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma. *BURP*

Wow. And we’re quoting Churchill for reasons I’ve no clue, not to mention someone surely knows how to throw a wrench into an otherwise festive mood. Let’s be clear, myself nor House of Pain ever said my pattern was representative of any specific culture or country or time period nor did we set out to embellish the truth. Furthermore, looking at their video in addition to surveying my overall attitude, it’s clear we’re all simply in this to have a good time. Now, are you sure you’re okay, dear?


7. I’m. Fine. Would you like to share any more worthless facts about you and your otherwise pointless existence?

Look, despite your claims, it’s very clear something is wrong. And while I’m pretty good at empathizing, I draw the line at being irrefutably disrespected.


8. I’m sorry. You’re right. You are right! I’m a bitch and I should not have taken my frustrations out on you, but it’s not totally my fault. Here’s the deal. I got into a cataclysmic fight with my fiancé last night because he was flirting with this girl who’s this journalist  — whatever, she writes for a fashion website — and she went to Cornell plus she was wearing a plaid jumper and I guess some people would label her pretty and so I might have accidentally dumped my drink on her head which lead to the fight with my boyfriend. I mean fiancé. I’m still getting used to the title. Anyway, it’s not as if I don’t listen when he has something to say. I mean, I know how to listen. I’m not a total animal however I might have points to get across too, ya know?! So there’s a minute chance I might talk over him while he’s attempting to get his points across and my points might be a little long–winded, high-pitched plus meandering and hard to follow and accompanied by a lot of fingers pointed in his face but it’s not as if his friends are so great! They can think I suck all they want! Plus, I would never, ever, never, ever, ever label them the most annoying person on the planet but I digress! Should I have digressed?! Who cares! It doesn’t matter! My point is, I’m a good person! And I mean well and I deserve–

GAH! SHUT! UP! Here are two pieces of advice that I hope you will carry with you for the rest of your days: It is entirely okay for you to  shut the fuck up and no one cares that much! If you ever get the slightest sense that they do?! Stop! That sensation will be based on a total lie people will tell you in hopes of giving their compassion skills a test run! Now, go tell your cousin her vetting process sucks and after that go to your fiancé and tell him to take that ring from your finger, punt it into the abyss and go in search of the man he and everyone in his life know he was raised to be!



Uh oh. I am so sorry. That was way out of line and honestly, not what I’m about. I’m so sorry. I have no excuse. Please stop crying. I feel terrible. I don’t know what came over me. *deep breath* You’re not going to stop crying, are you? Oh, God…