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Archive for the ‘black widow’ Category


In black widow, neck on February 19, 2018 at 8:15am02


1. If offered the job to accouter yourself, what items would you choose?

What if I turned the job down because the pressure was something I didn’t want to take on?

2. Then I’d say too bad because you’re taking the job, okay? 

Listen – and this is me being honest here – it’s not so much the pressure of the job, rather, I’d be giving away the secrets of the person currently wearing me and I like her too much to do that, not to mention, we garments and accessories have this thing called allegiance when it comes to those who don us.

3. Well, aren’t you the bleeding heart. First off, to quell any concerns, you should know no one visits this stupid site and so your girl’s secrets are safe. Second, you already signed the agreement. Do you understand “agreement”? It means you have to answer the question. Answer. 

Then may God have mercy on my soul. Here you go…

A Carine Gilson robe, the Aubade lingerie set, a pair of Elice mules and a single spritz of Quelques Fleurs.





4. See there? That wasn’t so hard. Now, what is a dream the woman wearing you is working on realizing?

To hone the skill of moving through life akin to both Miss Marple and Columbo: Cunningly obtuse.



5. What is something interesting about your woman?

Hmmm… Let me think. Well, she’s part of a local theater production, which is nice. The decision to audition was a sort of lark, right? But after winning the coveted lead role, the play not only became an important part of her life but a subsequent way for her to revisit the person she used to be. You see, on her twentieth birthday, she went off to the big city to tread the boards on the Great White Way, as they say; however, when the dream began to evaporate, around year two, she found herself opting out of auditions and classes at Stella Adler to lurk about Facebook, primarily to see how ex-boyfriends were faring back home. Months into the daily ritual, she had set her sights on Leslie, the tenth-grade ex-boyfriend and still a bit of a soft touch. Ten years on, she’s returned to the part of the country people leave behind in hopes of making it in the city that never sleeps, she’s married to Leslie, who remains a bit of a soft touch, and together they have three wonderful children: Tyler, Grey and Diego. Why, she just sent the last one – Diego – off to kindergarten, which translates to seven, glorious hours alone, five times a week. So yeah… That’s what’s interesting about her. That’s it.


6. What coveted role did she win? 

A small-town black widow who uses belladonna, the devil’s cherry, to kill her husbands. For inspiration and a sturdy character composite, the lovely and amazing woman wearing me  reaches for the yarn her grandma used to spin about the family being descendants of the Borgias. In fact, when she was just a wee one, grandma would pull her aside and tell her how much she resembled Lucrezia. In any case, all told, the black widow kills eight husbands and all of them on the third day after their first year of marriage.


7. Eight?! Clearly, we don’t have Miss Marple nor Columbo on the case. It’s hardly a complicated crime to crack, no? 

Hey, it’s local theater. What do you want? No one’s in this to go head-to-head with a Hitchcockian plot if that’s what you’re thinking. If anything, the one passion all involved in the play share is the need to be away, away from the spouse, from the job, from the sciatica flare-up, from the undulating call of the breast pump, from the unemployment, from the bone spurs, from the student loan, from the possible audit, from the vacuous Twitter rage, from the casual racism, from the ex-girlfriend’s engagement, from the hammertoe, from the leaky faucet, from the mortgage, from from the “will I ever stop renting and actually have a mortgage,” from the high cholesterol, from the trial separation, from the “this is as good as it’s gonna get”… How much more away can one be than to travel into a world where a black widow is snuffing out unsuspecting gentlemen with the help of belladonna? Hell, most of them didn’t even know what belladonna was before reading the script. My point is, the woman wearing me hasn’t felt this alive in years. She’s finding the way back to herself crumb by crumb. She adores her kids but motherhood’s a job. Of course, she loves Leslie but holding him up on a pedestal while hiding her hands was exhausting and turning her into a resentful harridan. I could actually feel the depression setting in. If it weren’t for the play, she would’ve never known why the emotional cavalcade was bearing down. Now, when the children race from the school bus to the front door and when Leslie kicks off his work boots in the garage, they’re each greeted by a woman who’s putting herself first and that’s a priceless gift. Even if they don’t know why she’s content and happy and fulfilled, it means everything to her knowing they’re being received by a wife and mother who wants nothing more than to be right there in the moment with them.


8. Wow. That’s absolutely beautiful. But I’d like to backup to the why you were so reluctant to share the story of your fully-bloomed ingénue’s stunning rebirth, especially when it came to her accoutrements. What gives?

Oh god… I was hoping you wouldn’t revisit this. Okay. So yeah, you’re right. She’s clearly back in the business of being an ingénue – at least at the local level – and that’s obviously helped her cope immensely when it comes to overall life; however, that might not be the only reason she’s stunningly reborn. Another reason might have to do with the fact she’s also discovered she might, maybe enjoy being a black widow who enjoys snuffing out unsuspecting gentlemen with the help of belladonna in real life. Maybe. It’s possible.


9. Uh… What say?

Now, do you see why I didn’t wanna go down this road?! Fine! It’s out there! Everyone knows! My fully-bloomed ingénue’s a black widow and those accoutrements aren’t provided by the local theater production and they’re, sure as shit, not for that embarrassing buffoon, Leslie! Actually, in the play, it’s a secondhand, flannel nightgown she sports and for Leslie, it’s ratty sweats and an ‘N Sync T-shirt with a hole in the armpit! The accoutrements I chose are for a real-life, sexy, killing spree! And unlike the character from the play, my girl’s nimble enough to rendezvous with her victims in other counties, where she handily assumes identities, wears various wigs and debuts different accents! And unlike some middling, boring black widow, she doesn’t do it for the money or the insurance payouts! Nope! Simply for sport! I blame technology! The relationships are able to flourish because she builds an online rapport so robust, by the time they meet in person, these dudes are so keyed up, they’re all but putty in her masterful hands! I also blame the egos of said victims! How do they not realize online love for men like them is the devil’s snare and if some chick named Constance Marie is proposing marriage after two, mediocre, sexting sessions, rife with details of who’s tickling what on who, then there’s a good chance it’ll end in death?! And I don’t know why, but she insists on wearing me every damn time they rendezvous! How the fuck do you think I know about the Borgia yarn?! She tells them that’s how! As they lay dying, she whispers, inches from their faces, that granny would tell her she had Lucrezia’s cunning eyes and button nose! I’m tired of Lucrezia! I’m tired of button noses! I’m tired of rendezvousing! I’m tired of pallor, livor, algor and rigor! I’m tired of seeing into the souls of sweet, gullible men who think the universe has finally granted them the kindness and caress of a woman who’s only ever pole-danced across their dreams! I’m tired of dangling over these pathetic creatures, during their final breaths, as they come to realize they probably should’ve remained faithful to Ruth because all this lunatic, Constance Marie, wants is to watch them suffer and die! So there you have it! The late-’90s, early-2000s Lifetime flick, starring Bonnie Bedelia come to life and the true reason why when Tyler, Grey and Diego race from the goddam school bus to the bullshit front door and when stupid-face Leslie kicks off his stupid work boots in the fucking garage, they’re each greeted by a woman who wants nothing more than to be right there! In the moment! With! Them!





In black widow, feet on July 8, 2011 at 8:15am07

1. Who or what do you remind people of?

A magician’s assistant who has met with foul play one too many times during the ol’ saw-a-person-in-half trick.

2. If you could choose to be reimagined by another artist who would it be?

Robert Mcginnis

3. If you could style yourself what would be the accoutrements?

A vintage Versace Jeans dress, a Kenneth Jay Lane ring, a Satomi Kawakita ring and Prada shades.


4. What is something a person should always leave home without?

An inflated ego.

5. What is the woman currently wearing you looking for in a man?

The woman whose possession I happen to be in doesn’t wear me and further to your point, she’s content with being alone.

6. Who is the most interesting person you’ve ever been worn by?

A black widow and I’m not referring to the spider, rather, the lady of a certain age who terminates the lives of rich husbands.

7. Do you know how many rich husbands have been terminated?

In alphabetical order:

#1 Courtney Boufner.  No clue where his money came from. She didn’t ask nor did she care.

#2 Shep Dreary. Manufacturer of condiment packets — mustard, relish and ketchup to name a few. I was quite fond of ol’ Shep.  He had custom-made,  just for me, solid gold shoehorns.

#3 Alan Kaulson. A larger-than-life bon vivant, dandy of sorts. Al took over his father’s mining business. Of course, he promptly ran it into the ground but not before siphoning off 34.6 million bucks into an offshore account. And by offshore, I’m referring to Antigua.

8. Was the black widow ever captured and convicted of the crimes?

Yes. To tell you the truth, I was relieved. Even though she knew how to wear the hell out of me and possessed a strut given to her by the gods, I was relieved.

9. What happened to you post capture and conviction?

I was shipped off to her estranged, librarian, spinster sister in Duluth. The two hadn’t seen or spoken to one another in over 25 years. And even though the librarian, spinster sister from Duluth made the hard decision post arrest to never see or speak to the black widow for the rest of her days, she will periodically slip me on in order to trigger back to their days as army brats in Kaiserslautern. Back to the days of weekend trips into Berlin for Truffaut and Godard retrospectives. Back to the days of sitting atop a hill overlooking the Black Forest, dreaming of the moment they’re old enough to leave home and travel the world together. Back to that day in Munich, standing amongst the crowds in Olympiapark, clasping hands while nervously waiting for news on the fates of the 11 Israeli athletes at the hands of Black September — an event the librarian silently swears is what  did away with her sister’s faith in humanity and set in motion her decent into evil. Back to the days when black widows were only spiders.