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Archive for the ‘all over’ Category

THE ROW ‘QUARNY’ LEATHER DRESS

In all over on May 18, 2013 at 8:15pm05

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1. If you could style yourself what would you choose as the accoutrements?

An Ann-Marie Faulkner percher, the Gianvito Rossi sandal, a Georgina Skalidi cork clutch and lastly, an Hermes condom holder. If you have the money to spend why not spend it being safe?64714080

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2. If you could choose the song playing when your girl, not impressed with anything in the store and on her way out the door, spots you hanging in another brand’s section because someone didn’t have the manners to put you back where you belong?

I’d like for you to keep in mind that she will be taking the elevator down. The moment she spots me she will press both hands against the window, the expression: sheer amazement.  The cleaning lady, looking on from the second floor, will offer a snarl for she won’t like this one bit, but hey, people tend to lose their minds and unknowingly smudge windows upon laying eyes on me.

3. What happens once she makes it to the ground floor?

 Well, the moment the doors open she’ll push through those way too slow on the exit and race to the downward-moving escalator and battle through that crew to get to me.

4. Why wouldn’t she just take the upward moving escalator? Wouldn’t she get there faster? She could even skip every other step, assuring an earlier arrival time, no?

A, that’s not dramatic and b, she’s not Cro-Magnon. Hoofing it up every other step isn’t a good look; I don’t care how hard and fast the Paleo life is making a comeback. Anyway, she’ll make it to me soon enough, rip me from the rack and, holding onto the sleeve, proceed to do the Hesitation Waltz. And here she thought all those tireless hours spent in cotillion prep was a road to nowhere.

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5. In any case, peering into the future, how would you like to say “thank you” to all those who saw in you something so great they had to pay the small fortune to make you their own?

I’m going to take a page from the Rag and Bone baseball cap, but instead of calling on Mr. Ingram, I’m going to let Lil’ Tunechi – that’s Lil’ Wayne to those not in the know – put a fine point on it for me.

6. Uh oh. This just took a turn. Do I even want to hear a fine point by way of Lil’ Wayne?

It’s a love note at the end of the day. Now, sit back and feel the love.

7. Um… Yeah, I think this b**** might hate you now. Is that how you see me?! 

What?! It’s a term of endearment.

8. If I’m a slutty Wolfhound into being degraded by the second then sure! But I’m a woman who commands respect and the desire to not be whittled down to some superficial, offensively drawn trifle by a man who considers “huuuhhhaaahhhh” and “aaaaaahhhhhhiiieeaaaahhh” adjectives. No offense. Or maybe offense! I don’t know. I’m so confused. Where’s Eve Ensler when you need her?! The beat takes me then the lyrics bring me right back. It’s not fair. Why, hip-hop?! Whyyyyyyy?!

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And here I thought I was being sweet.

9. You weren’t. K?!

Right you are.

OSCAR DE LA RENTA SILK-FAILLE DRESS

In all over on May 8, 2012 at 8:15pm05

1. If you could style yourself what items would you choose as the accoutrements?

A Rachel Comey barrel hat, a pair of Tabitha Simmons loafers, Kurt Geiger ‘Sarah’ sunglasses and Kurt Geiger ‘Thea’ string bracelets.

2. If you could return as any person or thing what would it be?

A film title that moonlights as dialogue. Or is it the other way around?

3. What is your most recent interesting thought?

I wonder how Charles Laughton would feel about half of Hollywood’s female population attempting to recreate his lips on their faces.

4. In your opinion, who is the best movie villain – and by best I mean most abhorrent – to ever grace the silver screen?

 Dolly Messiter from “Brief Encounters.”

5. Is there a quote all should keep close when choosing to invite others into their lives?

“You can buy friends by letting them control you, but you will have to keep them the same way you obtained them.” –Joyce Meyer

6. If you could be reimagined by any artist whom would it be?

Chef Ferran Adrià. Picture it. Me by way of liquid nitrogen and alginates.

7. Going into this presidential campaign season, what is something you would like to see that has never been done before?

I would love it if during the debates, candidates would retort by simply saying, “The opposite of what you just said.”

8. What is your favorite error of redundancy?

Joint collaboration.

9. If you could be worn by anyone whom would it be?

The beautiful and broken creature whom after being put out to pasture by her married beau of 20 years takes the nest egg he left her with, purchases me and hires the Jan Vullo chamber orchestra to go on a special mission. Together we arrive at and refuse to acknowledge the maître d’ of the Michelin 3-star establishment and move straight to the table of her ex-beau and his wife where we proceed to bring to a close their “This is positively suburb!” love affair with the claret paired mung bean tarte tartin topped with a stone fruit reduction and pastis infused foam. Don’t ask. Before those looking on can comprehend what the hell is going on, the Jan Vullo orchestra and the beautiful woman – tears nesting in her eyes and a voice like velvet – begin…

MARC BY MARC JACOBS ‘BABYLON’ COAT

In all over on January 2, 2012 at 8:15pm01

1. Who is the last person on earth the woman currently wearing you would choose to not spend a romantic evening with?

Franksy, Bansky’s jealous, working stiff, dimwit of an older, half-brother who plastered an ecstatic picture of himself next to everything he defaced thus missing the entire point of clandestinely defacing walls, the ground, lamp posts and train cars with a vibrant array of spray paints and sociopolitical cleverness. Or is it facing? I’m still in the dark on what we’re calling it these days. Is it good? Is it bad? Is it art? The curmudgeon liquor store owner would argue its value lies somewhere between $33 worth of paint and the waking of his herniated disc when forced to repaint the wall. Either way, we can all agree that Franksy’s currently on parole for vandalism after a short-lived attempt at raging against the machine. Currently holding a cup of coffee in an office break room located somewhere in Uxbridge, he can be heard saying, “I quite like the machine, really. Don’t mind it one bit, actually. *pause* You gonna finish those crisps?”

2. Who is a person on earth the woman currently wearing you would choose to spend a romantic evening with?

Koen Fillet. But I should let you know she longs for the beard’s return. Nothing says sexy like a contemporary take on protesting, “You idiots wanna be assholes and drag your feet on getting a handle on this government? Well, guess what? A beard’s about to appear and once it does it’s gonna grow and grow and grow… See where I’m going with this? Eh? You’ve been warned.”

3. If given the task of styling yourself what would you choose as the accoutrements?

A Golden Goose sweater, Topshop panel shorts, Belle Sigerson Morrison ankle boots and pair of Pamela Love crystal stud earrings.




4. Who is the strangest person you know of?

The man who films his black-market purchased cougar preening his rescued, pigmy pony in hopes of putting the video up on YouTube and getting 6,000 hits. In other news, this one’s never been known to dream big. His wife, drying her hands on a dish towel, exits from the kitchen, already asking what he wants for dinner. He sends a slicing hand across his neck, signaling for her to “SHUT UP!” He’s in the middle of making a very important YouTube video for Christ’s sake! The wife does just what she’s aggressively and silently told for she knows the importance of YouTube video silence when it comes to animals doing cute things in backyards, on linoleum kitchen floors and or in carpeted living rooms. After all, Hannah isn’t once again taking a break from doing actual work to listen to these two bicker over the visual of Esther licking mites from Toby’s mane. And if the hedgehog ladies taught us anything, it is to SHUT. YOUR MOUTH. FOR THE LOVE. OF GOD. Nature – even if it involves wild kingdom factions that have no business ever coming together, forced to come together in a Gainesville backyard because a human can’t quite get a handle on the realities of this planet — is a beautiful thing.

 4. This might be totally off topic but is it true the hedgehog video spawned a religious cult that was formed in Queens but is now stationed somewhere in the hinterlands of northwestern Costa Rica and the mind-numbing hedgehog video conversation acts as the cult’s morning prayer?

You haven’t lived until you’ve witnessed 100 wayward souls reciting that conversation en masse. Funny thing, the woman who’s currently wearing me? Well, her cousin, Eli, is actually going to be filming a documentary on the cult this spring. Word on the street is he’ll be wearing a combination of Patagonia and LL. Bean. I’ll keep you posted.

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6. If you could be worn by anyone who would it be?

And only because I wouldn’t mind adding a bit of refinement to her life, the loud, obnoxious, drunkity drunk young woman in the bar who has the uncanny ability to interrupt a conversation so that she can race into the bathroom, puke, do a bump, return from the bathroom, request a shot of the cheapest thing you got, flash her breasts, consume the shot of the cheapest thing you got, get accidentally slammed into by a prettier, younger woman, proceed by punching prettier, younger woman square in the face, resist arrest, get arrested, spend the night in the clink, get bailed out by her “Thug Life ‘Til I Die” torso-tatted ex-boyfriend, travel to a greasy spoon to consume a spicy breakfast burrito and diet Coke, take part in “thank you” sex with “Thug Life ‘Til I Die” in his murdered-out Escalade as they wait to slang 2 kilos to the head of a local megachurch, slip the head of the local megachurch her number when he picks up his kilos, shoplift a bag of disposable pink Bicks, beef jerky and a Kiwi Strawberry Snapple, read the Real Fact on the Snapple bottle cap, “A crocodile cannot move its tongue,” declare the Real Fact stupid after struggling to pronounce the word “crocodile,” toss the bottle cap out of the window, go to her aunt’s to shower, shave, clip in extensions and place blue rhinestone on the outer corners of both eyes, return to the bar, order a Long Island, give a side-eye to the bruised and bandaged prettier, younger woman whom she punched square in the face the night before and resume the initial conversation from the exact point of departure, “So, what was I saying? Oh yeah. We figured eff it and just killed him.”

7. O-kay. That last part has me a bit concerned and I feel it is my duty to act. Where is the loud, obnoxious, drunkity drunk young woman right now?

Well, naturally one always assumes this type of woman is the result of  freesia essence, vanilla musk and a Wild Turkery burp colliding mid-air on a floating island in galaxy far, far away. Come to find out, she was born in Tampa – the result of two gorgeous, low-budget porn stars’ successful attempt at procreation back in ’89. Which, if you really think about it, is the earth’s equivalent of freesia essence, vanilla musk and a Wild Turkery burp colliding mid-air on a floating island in galaxy far, far away.

8. So, she’s currently in Tampa?

Yes.

9. Thanks. *imposter question* “9-1-1. What is your emergency?”

RODARTE ‘MING’ DRESS

In all over on June 16, 2011 at 8:15pm06

1. If you could style yourself what would be the accoutrements?

Fabulous question but I’d just like to take a moment and first point out what a beautiful job the ladies have done with me using the porcelain wares of the Ming Dynasty as inspiration. Stunning isn’t it? Anyway, back to your question; I would have to choose a CP Shades scarf to wrap up the hair, a Giuseppe Zanotti wedge, Tom Ford sunglasses  and a Jennifer Meyer bracelet.

 

2. What is the most interesting thing about you?

I’ve been told I’m hypnotic which is just silly. I’m just little ol’ me.


3. Why have you started to move around in slow circles?

No reason. And definitely not because I’m hypnotic. Because then you would basically be accusing me of moving around and around and around and around in a slooowww and methooodical circlular mooootion that can somehow take control of your thoughts by moving arooouuund and arooouuund and arooouund and arooouund, sloooowwwly making you sleeeeepy and tiiiired and very sleeeeepy, enabling me to control how you see me slooooowly around and around and arooouuund and not until you hear the words  “Ann Arbor” will you be released from my control however I will never say those words aroooound and arooound very sloooowly and in five… four… three… two… Wakey, wakey!

4.  Hello. Question. Why are you so insanely amazing?

Oh, stop it! I’m flattered but really, I’m just a simple garment trying my best to cloak certain extremities, nothing more.

5. Every inhabitant of this planet and beyond considers you to be the most exquisitely cut, well-crafted work of art known to man. What do you have to say about that?

What?! Have people lost their minds?! I mean, really…  I–I’m speechless. Rendered absolutely speechless.

6. What would you say if I told you I was starting a petition to have you placed on the list as the eighth wonder of the world?

Ha! I’d say, “Ha!” I’d also say you were just about the sweetest and quite possibly silliest little bonbon known to man. With that said, if such a list exists — a shout out to the ancient list, woo woo!  — I’ d imagine some would stop at nothing, would fight to the death to have placed on that list whatever they deem worthy.

   

  

7. Is it okay if I terminate anything that dares to step onto the path toward placing you on the list?

If bodies in our wake are the only answers to total world domination then bodies in our wake we must! Sons of Scotland, I am the Rodarte “Ming” dress!

8. Isn’t the Rodarte ‘Ming’ dress seven feet tall?

*chuckles* Yes, I’ve heard… kills men by the hundreds and if it were here, it would consume the English with fireballs from its eyes and bolts of lightning from its arse! I am the Rodarte “Ming” dress! And I see a whole army of my countrymen here in defiance of tyranny! You’ve come to fight as free men and free men you are! What will you do without freedom?! Will you fight?! Fight and you may die! Run and you’ll live! At least a while! And dying in your beds many years from now would you be willing to trade all of this from this day to that for one chance, just one chance to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives but they will never take our freedom?! If you stand tall and if you stand strong victory will be ours! From Zaria to Zurich… Auckland to Ann Arbor — D’oh!

9.  Huh. That was weird. Anyway… What is your favorite eponym?

 *sigh* Ah well… I guess it would have to be dunce, derived from the name of John Duns Scotus. Though revered by colleagues and followers for being a great theologian and philosopher, something funky – don’t ask me what – happened, giver or take, 300 years after his death because by the time 1614 rolled around, people had come to think of him as an idiot, aka a dunce. By the way, I’m actually 4’11”, if anyone should be so compelled to make a note of that somewhere. Okay.

MARY KATRANTZOU ‘DORCHESTER’ DRESS

In all over, Howard Schatz on April 25, 2011 at 8:15pm04

1. What is your idea of the perfect day trip?

Afternoon tea inside myself.

2. If you could style yourself what would be the accoutrements?

A Haider Ackermann blazer, Karen Walker ‘Agent’ shades, T.U.K. creepers and a Comme Des Garcons wallet.

 

3. If you could be reimagined by another artist who would you choose?

John Currin.

4. What is your most recent, ingenious discovery?

For all of those sweet beans that don’t make the final, aesthetic cut, Jelly Belly packages and sells a series of jellybeans called Belly Flops.  Learn to market failure.  Somewhere that should be a mantra for life.

5. What would you like to see more of?

Me on others.  Let’s be honest, I make a statement.  More often than not, the statement is, “Where is that exactly?” Nevertheless, it’s a statement still.

6. What would you like to see less of?

Age appropriate dressing grids.  When it comes to fashion, rules seem to have an air of the oxymoronic.

7. What do you think the woman wearing you is currently looking for in a man?

 A beard, patience and journeyed  Clarks.

                      

8. Making believe I wasn’t in the picture, what other person’s questions would you agree to answer?

The genius Howard Schatz.

9. Assume I’ve shape-shifted into Mr. Schatz; how would you respond to the following?

a. The leader of a religious cult, new on the scene, has decided you will be the official uniform of choice.

b. A baby belonging to your owner’s best friend has chosen to introduce leaky diaper, by way of too much asparagus, into its repertoire while nuzzled against you.

c.  The husband of your owner has just excused himself from a dinner party honoring his wife in order to sneak upstairs, slip you on and sing “Easy” by Lionel Richie to his reflection in the mirror.

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GIVENCHY SHEER DRESS

In all over on September 26, 2010 at 8:15pm09

1. Who would be your ultimate dining companion?

Lizzie Borden.  And I would demand answers!

2. If you could style yourself, what would be the accoutrements?

A Topshop bodysuit, Calvin Klein black nylons and Fendi cut-out pumps.

3. If you could be reincarnated as anyone, who would you choose?

A scullery maid.  I’m a bit of a masochist.

4. If not you then what?

A Jamie Joseph red coral bracelet.

5. Pretend I wasn’t in the picture, what other person’s questions would you agree to answer?

Proust’s.

6. Do you have a favorite fictional character?

Mary Reilly.

7. Are you a reader or a watcher?

A watcher.

8. What film would you commit a crime to appear in?

“Corpse Bride.”

9. What would be the crime?

That’s a tough one, but it would definitely involve either arsenic or leeches… or both.

DAVID KOMA DRESS

In all over on September 22, 2010 at 8:15pm09

1.  What is the most interesting thing about you?

Well, just look at me.

2. If not you then what?

A Marni skirt.

3. If a model was to wear you during a photo shoot with Terry Richardson what preparative words of wisdom would you offer her?

Prepare to wear his glasses and have your nipple tweaked.

4. What insect do you remind people of?

Trilobite beetle.

5. What is your favorite Janus word?

Sanction.

6. If you could style yourself, what would be the accoutrements?

An American Vintage sheer t-shirt,  Alexander Wang ankle boots, Wolford sheer black tights and a Johnstons cashmere snood.


7. Do you have a wish?

To inspire an Oscar Niemeyer structure.

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8. I think we can both agree that you’re very innovative and pretty funky;  therefore, if you were to meet James Brown what advice do you think he would give?

He’d tell me to get it on the good foot.

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9. What does that mean?

No clue but it feels very sage.

STELLA MCCARTNEY LACE AND SATIN GOWN

In all over on September 9, 2010 at 8:15pm09

1. What is a dream that will never be realized?

It is a rainy day in Harlem and I’m being worn by Nica Rothschild, while she alone sits in the middle of a near empty living room looking on as Thelonious Monk plays “Pannonica.”

2. Do you have a favorite time of day?

Twilight.

3. What is the best advice you could give a person?

“If you feel terrible, look terrible.”  – Jean Kerr

4. If not you, then what?

I like to keep it in the family, therefore I’ll choose a Stella McCartney embroidered orange dress.

5. What is your greatest fear?

I try not to think in those terms.  It’s hard but I try.

6. If you could be reimagined by another artist who would it be?

Gio Ponti.

7.  What is one thing that has the ability to make you happy or sad?

Happening upon a cairn while trekking.  I’m sad if it represents a death but happy if it marks the end of the trail.  And yes, I trek.

8. Do you have a favorite mnemonic device?

The difference between “desert” and “dessert” is simple; the sweet one has two sugars.

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9. If you could style yourself, what would be the accoutrements?

Believe me, I’m all you need.


LUTZ & PATMOS SOFIA COPPOLA TUNIC

In all over on September 2, 2010 at 8:15pm09

1. Is there a book you can always get lost in?

The Portable Dorothy Parker.

2. What is your idea of the perfect day trip?

Marfa, Texas.

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3.  What song would be playing on a loop?

“Fiora de la Citta” by Seu Jorge.

4. If not you then what?

Doshi Levien paper-silk healing dress.

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5. If you could be worn by any person who would it be?

Joan Didion.

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6. Is there a person you try to emulate in your daily life?

Drummer Hodge.

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7. If you could be reimagined by another artist who would it be?

Zhang Xiaogang.

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8. What is your favorite rare, psychiatric syndrome?

Folie a deux.

9.  Are you a lover or a fighter?

Depends on the circumstances.

SPANX STRAPLESS SLIP

In all over on September 1, 2010 at 8:15pm09

1. Do your friends have a nickname for you?

Crowd control.

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2. What is the public’s biggest misconception of you?

I’m clandestine by nature.

3. What is a cosmological theory you feel particularly close to?

The Big Bang.

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4. If you could be worn by anyone whom would it be?

I don’t think I can honestly answer the question without offending someone?

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5. Can you whisper it to me?

*whispers*

6. Really?!

Truly.

7. If not you then what?

A vintage, Thea Porter, chiffon kaftan. Hippie wouldn’t be chic if it weren’t for her. Also, I wouldn’t mind a break.  Not that I don’t love what I do!

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8. Overrated is?

Gravity

9. What is a quality you value most?

Dishonesty.