1. Listen, my cousin? Well, she had an emergency and couldn’t be here so, you’re stuck with me. Okay, let’s do this. Now, if you could choose your– Whatever, you know how the story ends, right?
2. What is making you very happy at the moment even though the world thoroughly sucks?
Oookay. Well, autumn is upon us, a time of year that always gives full reign to my pattern — plaid, tartan… Call it what you will. The fact is, I’m here to rule the season, so look out world!
3. What’s your most cherished moment not that anyone really cares because people are selfish creatures who only care about themselves?
Are you okay, dear? I only ask because I’m sensing there might be a problem. We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.
4. I’m fine. A most cherished moment, please?
Right. Well, my pattern has always played a very big part when it comes to back-to-school outfits and so I’d have to say that would be my most cherished moment. Being worn on the first day of school by a person ready to take on the new school year armed with a great attitude, the willingness to learn and the want to be kind to everyone!
4. Ha! Good luck selling that. Anyway… is there a song that best represents you and your kind?
and just because…
5. Are you aware you’re a fraud? Follow me as we travel over to the land of facts: “The Irish never wore tartan or kilts of any colour. The traditional dress of the medieval Irish and Scottish Gaels was a linen shirt dyed yellow with saffron (the ‘leine-croich’). Tartan was a late development in Scotland (it’s not recorded before the 16th century), and the kilt was a later development still. About a hundred years ago Irish patriots were casting about for an Irish ‘national dress,’ and they invented a saffron-coloured kilt for men, and for women they invented the silly little frock-and-shoulder-plaid outfit, embellished with ‘Celtic’ interlace decoration, that Irish dancers wear. But the operative word here is ‘invented.’ These clothes have no genuine, ethnic origin,” signed Yahoo Answers. Basically, your whole thing’s a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma. *BURP*
Wow. And we’re quoting Churchill for reasons I’ve no clue, not to mention someone surely knows how to throw a wrench into an otherwise festive mood. Let’s be clear, myself nor House of Pain ever said my pattern was representative of any specific culture or country or time period nor did we set out to embellish the truth. Furthermore, looking at their video in addition to surveying my overall attitude, it’s clear we’re all simply in this to have a good time. Now, are you sure you’re okay, dear?
7. I’m. Fine. Would you like to share any more worthless facts about you and your otherwise pointless existence?
Look, despite your claims, it’s very clear something is wrong. And while I’m pretty good at empathizing, I draw the line at being irrefutably disrespected.
8. I’m sorry. You’re right. You are right! I’m a bitch and I should not have taken my frustrations out on you, but it’s not totally my fault. Here’s the deal. I got into a cataclysmic fight with my fiancé last night because he was flirting with this girl who’s this journalist –whatever, she writes for a fashion website– and she went to Cornell plus she was wearing a plaid jumper and I guess some people would label her pretty and so I might have accidentally dumped my drink on her head which lead to the fight with my boyfriend. I mean fiancé. I’m still getting used to the title. Anyway, it’s not as if I don’t listen when he has something to say. I mean, I know how to listen. I’m not a total animal however I might have points to get across too, ya know?! So there’s a minute chance I might talk over him while he’s attempting to get his points across and my points might be a little long-winded, high-pitched plus meandering and hard to follow and accompanied by a lot of fingers pointed in his face but it’s not as if his friends are so great! They can think I suck all they want! Plus, I would never, ever, never, ever, ever label them the most annoying person on the planet but I digress! Should I have digressed?! Who cares! It doesn’t matter! My point is, I’m a good person! And I mean well and I deserve–
GAH! SHUT! UP! Here are two pieces of advice that I hope you will carry with you for the rest of your days: It is entirely okay for you to shut the fuck up and no one cares that much! If you ever get the slightest sense that they do?! Stop! That sensation will be based on a total lie people will tell you in hopes of giving their compassion skills a test run! Now, go tell your cousin her vetting process sucks and after that go to your fiancé and tell him to take that ring from your finger, punt it into the abyss and go in search of the man he and everyone in his life know he was raised to be!
Uh oh. I am so sorry. That was way out of line and honestly, not what I’m about. I’m so sorry. I have no excuse. Please stop crying. I feel terrible. I don’t know what came over me. *deep breath* You’re not going to stop crying, are you? Oh, God…