1. If you could style yourself what would you choose as the accoutrements?
2. If you could choose the song playing when your girl, not impressed with anything in the store and on her way out the door, spots you hanging in another brand’s section because someone didn’t have the manners to put you back where you belong?
I’d like for you to keep in mind that she will be taking the elevator down. The moment she spots me she will press both hands against the window, the expression: sheer amazement. The cleaning lady, looking on from the second floor, will offer a snarl for she won’t like this one bit, but hey, people tend to lose their minds and unknowingly smudge windows upon laying eyes on me.
3. What happens once she makes it to the ground floor?
Well, the moment the doors open she’ll push through those way too slow on the exit and race to the downward-moving escalator and battle through that crew to get to me.
4. Why wouldn’t she just take the upward moving escalator? Wouldn’t she get there faster? She could even skip every other step, assuring an earlier arrival time, no?
A, that’s not dramatic and b, she’s not Cro-Magnon. Hoofing it up every other step isn’t a good look; I don’t care how hard and fast the Paleo life is making a comeback. Anyway, she’ll make it to me soon enough, rip me from the rack and, holding onto the sleeve, proceed to do the Hesitation Waltz. And here she thought all those tireless hours spent in cotillion prep was a road to nowhere.
5. In any case, peering into the future, how would you like to say “thank you” to all those who saw in you something so great they had to pay the small fortune to make you their own?
I’m going to take a page from the Rag and Bone baseball cap, but instead of calling on Mr. Ingram, I’m going to let Lil’ Tunechi — that’s Lil’ Wayne to those not in the know — put a fine point on it for me.
6. Uh oh. This just took a turn. Do I even want to hear a fine point by way of Lil’ Wayne?
It’s a love note at the end of the day. Now, sit back and feel the love.
7. Um… Yeah, I think this b**** might hate you now. Is that how you see me?!
What?! It’s a term of endearment.
8. If I’m a slutty Wolfhound into being degraded by the second then sure! But I’m a woman who commands respect and the desire to not be whittled down to some superficial, offensively drawn trifle by a man who considers “huuuhhhaaahhhh” and “aaaaaahhhhhhiiieeaaaahhh” adjectives. No offense. Or maybe offense! I don’t know. I’m so confused. Where’s Eve Ensler when you need her?! The beat takes me then the lyrics bring me right back. It’s not fair. Why, hip-hop?! Whyyyyyyy?!
And here I thought I was being sweet.
9. You weren’t. K?!
Right you are.