1. If you could style yourself what would you choose as the accouterments?
2. Very funny. And why aren’t I surprised?
Because I’m predictable. However, predictability, in my case, works. I’m ripped off, cloned, copied to the point of homage. You are looking at a standard-bearer so coveted it would be a crime to not give the people what they want, what they need.
3. What is something we don’t know about you that would surprise us?
If I could, I’d be worn by James Hetfield busting through my seams, while he and the rest of the boys perform “No Leaf Clover.” Or on Fran, of course, but I mean, we all wanna be on Fran so that’s no big shock.
4. What is it with garments and Fran freakin’ Lebowitz?! Can something please explain this to me?!
Take it easy. For starters, she wears the hell out of a cowboy boot, k? Although, I prefer her in a nice loafer. She’s vengeful which is always fun. And lastly, she’ll never be caught dead in me which taps into my masochistic side like gangbusters.
5. What is an interesting observation you’ve made as of late?
The world in which you exist truly is that of a man’s.
6. Huh. I’d have to wholly disagree, but at the same time, I’m intrigued. What makes you say this?
There are extremely unattractive gentlemen roaming the planet who openly admit to being, in general, horrible mates which leads me to believe these men got a chance to test out the theory more than once. Ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies… I’m sure Scott Speedman knows his way around a joke or two, at the very least the man knows how to laugh at them. Not only that, but my money’s on a few C-grade (god willing) impressions. Anywho, he’s tall and greets you with this face in the morning…
Mmmm… See what I mean? All pills — terrible impressions, can’t build merde, if the car breaks down the only option’s to call Triple-A — every single one of those pills will go down a lot easier this way if they do, in fact, go down to begin with. In the meantime, Jon don’t need to do a damn thing…
Marone a mi… Moving right along, Dae might actually be overkill at this point but, that aside, can we please take a moment and send thanks to the gods? That face is criminal.
And while Dae’s doin’ what he do, Idris can be mute and communicate through blinks for all anyone cares. Wait. One sec… I’m imagining Idris communicating through blinks. That is some precious stuff. Okay…
And if ABC World News knows how the game’s played then why, pray tell, don’t you? “Oh, but my guy’s so funny.” Who cares! “But my guy’s so smart and successful.” Shut! Up! Muir’s got those huntin’ eyes, by the way. You better watch your back, anchors. My boy’s a comer.
My point is, if you’re going to be treated like donkey balls, well then, you best make it count. I can help you but you have got to start helping yourselves. And here’s the good part… If, and that’s only if the Scotts, Jons, Idrises and Davids of the world should do you dirty in a brutal way, at least you can look back and say, “You know what? I done good. Sure, my hearts broken into a million, little pieces and I don’t want to leave my bed for the next seven years, however, someone extremely good-looking brought me here and that makes me feel–” She won’t be able to finish the sentence because she’ll burst into tears but she will feel happy. HAPPY!
7. Wow. And here I thought Chanel tweed wasn’t… What’s the word? Is it shallow?
Mon dieu, woman. It’s not shallow if it’s common sense. And like I said, this advice lives only in the confines of being treated horribly by unattractive dudes, shrouded in cockiness who have the nerve to serially, yes, that’s serially, treat the perfect vessels that you are horribly. These heartless creatures and the slabs of Silly Putty they’re trying to pass off as physiques are looking natural order in the face and laughing. It’s time to take back your womanhood thus your lives! We deserve hotness in every sense of the word! I implore all who are currently harboring pudgy, self-centered mates to turn to them and tell them to run as fast as they can to a gym! Preferably the one Tom Brady is working out at, offer Tom more money than what the Patriots and all other endorsements can so he can return to you, pretending to be your boyfriend. Believe me when I say it will take you about five seconds to buy the lie as you say, “You don’t look anything like Noah.” Then Tom will say, “I’m Noah.” Then you’ll say, “K!” Betty, Emmeline, Audra, Naomi, Maxine, Bey, Gloria, Margaret, Eleanor, Flo, Alanis, Rigoberta, Adele, Sarojini…
…every single one would back me on this and that’s because they’re the baddest in the game! Plus, isn’t that the entire foundation for the Feminist movement, exactly what the suffragettes tirelessly marched for with those poster boards obscuring their outfits?! I never really understood the point to that, but I digress…
And before you cut in with more asinine question about favorite songs, and malapropisms or what I’d like to return as, explain to what made you long for Derrick who kicked you on the playground? Or Peter who revealed to you that you had a mustache during debate? Or Emmett who treated you like you didn’t exist throughout intramurals? You chose them because they were hot. That’s it. Hot. End of story.
8. How in the hell do you know about any of them?
Have we met? I’m omnipresent. Anyway, the fact remains that you ladies have moved far, far away from your primeval behaviors. Eve would be very ashamed and that’s because Adam was gorgeous. Oh yeah… She wouldn’t have gone near him otherwise, immaculate conception would’ve moved way up in the program, Cain would’ve been the son of God, yadda, yadda, yadda… The whole thing would’ve been a real mess.
9. Aaah! This is quite possibly the craziest sit-down I’ve ever had! You’re so wrong! We choose based on what we feel in our hearts, down deep in our souls! Looks and height and all the other superficial crap you’re tossing out are just that, crap! I’m sorry! Love and attraction are things impossible to put a face on, even if the other should treat you badly! It all exists on levels no one can ever figure out no matter how hard they try! And furthermore, who’s to say you can’t–
Don’t hurt yourself, Bradshaw. Now, if you heed the advice I’m giving — gratis, by the way — then you’ll go places. Don’t and, well, you have my prayers. I’m Chanel tweed, after all. I’ve been round long enough to have seen some things. I’d also like to say in closing, my hope is for every woman and man to find love on both a mature and respectful level. I’m not a total monster.