clean retina


In ears on February 3, 2013 at 8:15am02


1. If you could choose your accoutrements what would they be?

Right Earring: Okay, how are we going to do this? Left Earring: Well, since it appears we can only pick four items altogether, how about I pick two and you pick two? Right: Perfect. You go first. Left: Okay.


The Albertus Swanepol ‘Harris’ hat and a GANT shirt.


GANT shirt


A Mary Katrantzou, tulip skirt and the Barneys Co-op, T-strap sandal.



Left: I like it. Right: Me too.

2. Assuming I wasn’t in the picture, what other person’s questions would you choose to answer?

Right: Judge Judy’s. We’re in need of a good humbling Left: We’ve been a little full of ourselves lately. Right: Hey, but in our defense, you slap a $22,000 price tag on something that’s not a car or a house and egos might get a little inflated. Left: Exactly.


3. If you could be worn by anyone, whom would it be?

Right: Oh! Almost forgot! We have a message for you. Left: That’s right! Right: Considering the new developments in the Manti Te’o situation, the Alexander Wang, “Alla” wedge wants everyone to know its thoughts and prayers are with all involved. Left: Even the imaginary people. Right: The “Alla” had a similar situation with a pump and so… Left: We just wanted to relay that.


4. Great. I’ll make a note. So, back to the question. If you could be worn by anyone, whom would it be?

Both: Yentl. Both: Ha! Jinx! Right:  So funny… Left: We do that a lot. Right: Anyway, it would specifically be the scene where Avigdor shows Yentl what’s really going on.  Left: Really sexy scene. Granted, our being there would raise many unwanted questions and basically destroy Yentl’s cover, but me personally, I’m dying to know exactly what Mandy’s working with. Right: What? Why’re you looking at us like that? Left: Yeah?

5. The film had a very poignant message beyond the sexual innuendo. I just find it sad you both can’t connect with its core. That’s it. Okay?

Right:  Are you kidding me? Isn’t that the whole point of the scene? Left:  Exactly.  Right:  Hell, isn’t that the whole point of “Yentl,” to make everybody, the audience included, lust after Mandy Patinkin?  Left: Because not only is he sexy… Right: But he has a voice like feathers dancing. Left: Sheesh, everyone’s a Puritan all of a sudden.

6. Right. What is the woman wearing you currently thinking about?

Left: Well, for starters, she’s lusting after us on the page of a magazine. Right: Remember, we’re $22,000, so… Left: And this is no disrespect to the ladies or David, but we tend to find the women who can actually afford us to be a little, say… Right: Rudimentary is the way I’d put it. Left: Yeah, I like that. Right: But it’s not their fault, and plus they have copious, copious amounts of cash on hand. They’ll be fine. Left: Just fine.


7. So, what is the temporary woman thinking about, while taking a break from lusting after you?

Left: Well, for some reason we triggered something that started her thinking back to the time she and her best friend traveled, by bicycle, to their favorite Seal Beach haunt: Taco Bell… Right: Where they consumed pretty much everything on the menu while purposefully combing through People magazine in search of something of high importance. Left: Upon finding it, they stopped and stared. Right:  At a picture of Jerry Seinfeld pushing Shoshanna Lonstein on a swing. Left: My god… to be young again. Right: They had heard tell of their crush– Left: I mean! Crush?! Can believe it?! On a fully realized man, mind you! Right: Okay, calm down. Anyhow, they had heard tell of Jerry finding love with a young, zaftig beauty, but they didn’t believe it. Maybe a part of them didn’t want to. Left: But there the pictures were. Right: Provoking them. Challenging them. Shoshanna was older. Left: They were younger. Right: Her name was awesome Left: While theirs pedestrian. Right: She was Jewish. Left: They’d convert. Right: She had breasts the size of cantaloupes. Left: They’d pray for puberty to go balls out as soon as possible. Right: Nothing would stop them from making Jerry their own. The moment culminated with our girl saying the words every parent longs to hear their child say, “You know what this means?! We might have a chance with Jerry Seinfeld!” Left: Sitting at her desk, our girl cracked a smile as she ventured back to a time when one could actually, harmoniously share a crush with a best friend. Right: Absolutely zero fall out. Maybe because they both knew, deep down, this thing with Jerry had absolutely no legs. Imaginary, 38-year-old Jerry: It doesn’t! At all! And I’ll be the first one to tell you it doesn’t have legs! No legs! No legs whatsoever! There were never legs! Legs were never there! Left: It’s a look back, for Pete’s sake. You don’t even exist anymore so quit your crying. Imaginary, 38-year-0ld Jerry: Doesn’t matter! Also, I want no parts of this daydream! I also want no parts of the nightdream. Daydream, nightdream, doesn’t matter the dream because I want no parts of it! Left: Sorry about that. We’ll put a muzzle on him. Right: But getting back to the daydream… If they were one day going to co-opt Jerry, he would have to be okay with riding bikes down to the beach, feasting on Taco Supremes and churros… Left: Parent supervised visits to Nordstrom, and while moms browsed, he would stealthily stare at Maria Ramsey, drenched in make-up, while hawking MAC’s wares behind the counter. Right: Because Maria was in high school, and so pretty and very popular and a little mean. Left: Mind you, everything they weren’t. Right: And while they didn’t want to emulate her, they found her whole thing absolutely intoxicating. Left: Apres, stalking Maria, next, Jerry would have to be okay with traveling up the escalator to Brass Plum to log all the things to beg for on the trip down the escalator. He would also have to be fine with swimming until the skin on his feet pruned… Right: …daily viewings of “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” and “The Rachel Papers,” putting on flannel pajamas and sleeping on a massive pallet of pillows in the middle of the living room, making homemade virgin Marys… Left: Making himself sneeze with the help of toothpicks… Right: ..toilet papering the neighbors’ houses and finally, simply sitting on the curb, talking about whatever, as he ran a stick through the run-off  care of the Slip’N Slide next door. Left: In their minds, Jerry would happily do it all because he was kind and funny. Right: And really, really funny and so cute and, I guess, suddenly asexual once connecting up with them. Left: But all good things must come to an end, right? Right: Sadly. Left: Once the school year started, the crush on the comedian would be body slammed into nonexistence when Justin Pollard showed his face. Right: And rightly so. What was 5’1″, with glasses and scrawny, had miraculously sprouted to 5’10”, with contacts and a swimmer’s build. Left: And his balls apparently dropped because the voice was now that of a man. Right: Poor Jerry would find himself  placed on the shelf of adolescence, amongst the many other relics of two wild imaginations. Imaginary, 38-year-old Jerry: Good! And don’t ever muzzle me! People pay big money to hear my thing *grabs microphone/clears throat* I mean, what is. The dea– Left: And with the muzzle back where it belongs… Right: Back at the desk, fingers gripping the corner of our page, our girl didn’t notice that her smile had grown the width of her face, as she thought back to how silly she and the best friend used to be. Suddenly, her boss appeared, snapping her out of the daydream completely. Left:  Ooo… I just got a chill. Right: The boss, whom we’re not big fans of– Left: Not at all. Right: The boss held in his hand a document. Noticing the smile on our girl’s face, he asked in a judgemental, “I really do hate you but I should, at least, try to pretend I don’t” tone– Left: He was awful. And he had a body like a borogove: all legs, barely any torso. Right: Settle down. Left: Sorry. Right: S’okay. Anyhow, The boss asked, “What’s so funny?” In an attempt to connect for about the 4,987 time, our girl genuinely smiled and said, “Oh, it’s nothing.” Left: I really hate this part. Right: It’ll be okay just let me finish. Left: *sigh* Right: Anyway, our girl shored up some courage and started in on the reason behind the smile, “Oh, it’s nothing. I was just thinking about the time when I was really young and I had a crush on Jerry Seinfeld. He was dating someone young. I mean, she was way older than me but compared to him she was young. I can’t believe there was actually a time when I liked him. Out of all the people out there I could’ve imaginarily chosen, I chose Jerry Seinfeld!” Left: She was starting to spin and she knew it. We knew it. The armpits knew it. The upper lip beginning to palsy really knew it. Right: But more importantly, she could see she was losing the boss fast. Left: Not that she ever really had him. Right: That’s true. And for some reason, one that I’ll never be able to wrap my brain around, she continued on, “So, because he, Jerry, was dating someone younger, this actually made me think I had a chath– I mean a chance. I don’t know why I just said that. I’m weird. I’m not, but… weird. You know what I meaning. I mean, I meaneth. I mean, I mean! Anyway, the point I’m trying to make is, I thought that I maybe I had a chance with Jerry Seinself! I mean, Seinfeld. Anyway…” Left: It honestly never stops being dreadful no matter how many times we replay it. Right: She had hit bottom and the boss’ face told her so. At this point, the only hope was for the earth to open up and swallow her whole. Left: But since the earth clearly wasn’t on her side, our girl had no other choice but to carry it across the finish, “So, that’s pretty much what I was thinking about. Um… Jerry Seinfeld.” Right: The boss stared at her with a smile crossed with the look of tasting vomit, and simply said, “File this, please.” He then disappeared back into his office. Our girl’s amour-propre shot right out of her and rained back down a fierce insecurity. Left: How could one person, who doesn’t even truly know you, make you feel so worthless? What did she ever do to this man to illicit such bile-fueled energy? Right: Nothing, is the truth of the matter. Some people just smell weakness and have no other choice but to attack. Left: I guess. Humans are animal after all. Right: Lest you think anything different.


8. So what happened next?

Right; She closed the magazine… Left: *sniffles* Thus, shutting us off from all further self-loathing. Right: There, there… I think back to that day… Left: So often. Right: I wish I could have told her to stand up, walk out the door and never turn back. Left:  Just leave because this man will ruin you. Someone ruined him and now he’s in it to pay it forward. Don’t wonder about the why are how.  Right: Or when. Just go, and leave it for the next one to figure out. Left: And they should leave too. Right: Agreed.

9. If your temporary woman were to read this, what would you like to tell her?

Right: We would leave her with a quote from Rachel “bastion of all that is fair and great” Maddow. Left: We love that Rachel. Right: Here it is: Humans are ambitious and rational and proud. And we don’t fall in line with people who don’t respect us and who we don’t believe have our best interest at heart. We are willing to follow leaders, but only to the extent that they call on our best, not our worst.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: