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Archive for February, 2013|Monthly archive page

CHANEL 10P CLASSIC WHITE TWEED JACKET

In Fran Lebowitz, upper body on February 7, 2013 at 8:15pm02

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1. If you could style yourself what would you choose as the accouterments?

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2. Very funny. And why aren’t I surprised?

Because I’m predictable. However, predictability, in my case, works. I’m ripped off, cloned, copied to the point of homage. You are looking at a standard-bearer so coveted it would be a crime to not give the people what they want, what they need.

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3. What is something we don’t know about you that would surprise us?

If I could, I’d be worn by James Hetfield busting through my seams, while he and the rest of the boys perform “No Leaf Clover.” Or on Fran, of course, but I mean, we all wanna be on Fran so that’s no big shock.

4. What is it with garments and Fran freakin’ Lebowitz?! Can something please explain this to me?!

Take it easy. For starters, she wears the hell out of a cowboy boot, k? Although, I prefer her in a nice loafer. She’s vengeful which is always fun. And lastly, she’ll never be caught dead in me which taps into my masochistic side like gangbusters.

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5. What is an interesting observation you’ve made as of late?

The world in which you exist truly is that of a man’s.

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6. Huh. I’d have to wholly disagree, but at the same time, I’m intrigued. What makes you say this?

There are extremely unattractive gentlemen roaming the planet who openly admit to being, in general, horrible mates which leads me to believe these men got a chance to test out the theory more than once. Ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies… I’m sure Scott Speedman knows his way around a joke or two, at the very least the man knows how to laugh at them. Not only that, but my money’s on a few C-grade (god willing) impressions.  Anywho, he’s tall and greets you with this face in the morning…

UA Battery Park StadiumMmmm… See what I mean? All pills — terrible impressions, can’t build merde, if the car breaks down the only option’s to call Triple-A — every single one of those pills will go down a lot easier this way if they do, in fact, go down to begin with. In the meantime, Jon don’t need to do a damn thing…

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Marone a mi… Moving right along, Dae might actually be overkill at this point but, that aside, can we please take a moment and send thanks to the gods? That face is criminal.

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And while Dae’s doin’ what he do, Idris can be mute and communicate through blinks for all anyone cares. Wait. One sec. I’m imagining Idris communicating through blinks. That is some precious stuff. Okay.

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And if ABC World News knows how the game’s played then why, pray tell, don’t you? “Oh, but my guy’s so funny.” Who cares! “But my guy’s so smart and successful.” Shut! Up! Muir’s got those huntin’ eyes, by the way. You better watch your back, anchors. My boy’s a comer.

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My point is, if you’re going to be treated like donkey balls, well then, you best make it count. I can help you but you have got to start helping yourselves. And here’s the good part. If, and that’s only if the Scotts, Jons, Idrises and Davids of the world should do you dirty in a brutal way, at least you can look back and say, “You know what? I done good. Sure, my hearts broken into a million, little pieces and I don’t want to leave my bed for the next seven years, however, someone extremely good-looking brought me here and that makes me feel–” She won’t be able to finish the sentence because she’ll burst into tears but she will feel happy. HAPPY!

7. Wow. And here I thought Chanel tweed wasn’t- What’s the word? Is it shallow?

Mon dieu, woman. It’s not shallow if it’s common sense. And like I said, this advice lives only in the confines of being treated horribly by unattractive dudes, shrouded in cockiness who have the nerve to serially, yes, that’s serially, treat the perfect vessels that you are horribly. These heartless creatures and the slabs of Silly Putty they’re trying to pass off as physiques are looking natural order in the face and laughing. It’s time to take back your womanhood thus your lives! We deserve hotness in every sense of the word! I implore all who are currently harboring pudgy, self-centered mates to turn to them and tell them to run as fast as they can to a gym! Preferably the one Tom Brady’s working out at, offer Tom more money than what the Patriots and all other endorsements can so he can return to you, pretending to be your boyfriend. Believe me when I say it will take you about five seconds to buy the lie as you say, “You don’t look anything like Noah.” Then Tom will say, “I’m Noah.” Then you’ll say, “K!” Betty, Emmeline, Audra, Naomi, Maxine, Bey, Gloria, Margaret, Eleanor, Flo, Alanis, Rigoberta, Adele, Sarojini…

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…every single one would back me on this and that’s because they’re the baddest in the game! Plus, isn’t that the entire foundation for the feminist movement, exactly what the suffragettes tirelessly marched for with those poster boards obscuring their outfits?! I never really understood the point to that, but I digress.

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And before you cut in with more asinine question about favorite songs, and malapropisms or what I’d like to return as, please explain to me what made you long for Derrick who kicked you on the playground? Or Peter who revealed to you that you had a mustache during debate? Or Emmett who treated you like you didn’t exist throughout intramurals? You chose them because they were hot. That’s it. Hot. End of story.

8. How in the hell do you know about any of them?

Have we met? I’m omnipresent. Anyway, the fact remains that you ladies have moved far, far away from your primeval behaviors. Eve would be very ashamed and that’s because Adam was gorgeous. Oh yeah… She wouldn’t have gone near him otherwise, immaculate conception would’ve moved way up in the program, Cain would’ve been the son of God, yadda, yadda, yadda… The whole thing would’ve been a real mess.

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9. Aaah! This is quite possibly the craziest sit-down I’ve ever had! You’re so wrong! We choose based on what we feel in our hearts, down deep in our souls! Looks and height and all the other superficial crap you’re tossing out are just that, crap! I’m sorry! Love and attraction are things impossible to put a face on, even if the other should treat you badly! It all exists on levels no one can ever figure out no matter how hard they try! And furthermore, who’s to say you can’t–

Don’t hurt yourself, Bradshaw. Now, if you heed the advice I’m giving — gratis, by the way — then you’ll go places. Don’t and, well, you have my prayers. I’m Chanel tweed, after all. I’ve been round long enough to have seen some things. I’d also like to say in closing, my hope is for every woman and man to find love on both a mature and respectful level. I’m not a total monster.

BALMAIN LASER CUT VELVET BLAZER

In upper body on February 5, 2013 at 8:15am02

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1. If you could style yourself what would you choose as the accouterments?

Obviously, my consort, the Be & D sneaker, a Giuseppe Zanotti necklace and a Loewe coin purse.

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 2. If you could return as any person or thing, what would it be?

A TED talk.

3. If needed, how would CNN get its ratings way up?

They have Dana Bash, on Capital Hill, and Anderson Cooper, in studio, break into “Suddenly Seymour” in the middle of a breaking news report. Once consumed by her solo, I would implore Dana to take her hands and simultaneously shove the faces of the two Senators who arrive on time, for the scheduled interview. They will be in her shot and that can’t happen. All the while, the love for both musicals and political punditry will collide worldwide and ratings will soar.

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4. Well, that’s one way to do it. Who knew —

Then, I’d have Wolf, Soledad and Erin work the peplum and bring it on home with “Little Shop of Horrors.”



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Why so smug, Erin? You know you’re into this.

5. Are you done?

Never, but I get the feeling you want to move on to the next question.

6.  And here I thought I was going to stump you. Who knew a blazer by way of the 8th arrondissement was so versed in U.S. cable news?

I’m dynamic. Ou dynamique, pour les francophones.

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7. If you could be anywhere where would you be?

Right where I am for the nonce because I’m loyal and I stick by those who wear the living hell out of me. With that said, I’m currently sitting in a tasteful duffel, in a Chuckawalla Valley State Prison locker, awaiting my girl’s release so we can be reunited.

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8. I thought the connection was a little muffled. Why, pray tell, are you in a tasteful duffel in Chuckawalla Valley?

It all started in the Ford Field announcer booth. My girl’s headphones were firmly cupping her ears and that’s because she and her comrade-in-arms were the first female sportscasters to preside over the Super Bowl. Oh, how proud I was to be there and so fierce I was looking. Are we still using that term? Fierce?

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9. I’m not sure. If you want, I can make a call?

No matter. And so, My girl was in the zone, making those listening terrestrially or by satellite feel as if they were right there in the stadium, on the field even, “Beautiful night here in Detroit on this Super Bowl Sunday. Has this been a battle or what, Glads?” Glads, or Gladys, rather, was the partner in crime, the friend she met in college and bonded with over the same dream: to one day be exactly where they were, in the booth guiding an auditory-only audience through a Super Bowl — the white sticks for the truckers, commuters, security guards, people working in various toll booths… The ladies would bust their asses to make the listeners feel as if Ford Field and all of its trappings were at their proverbial doorstep because to these two announcers, it wasn’t just a job, it was a necessity. Like butter, Gladys responded, “The game has certainly lived up to the hype in Michigan today, folks. Now let’s take it down to the field.” The Kansas City Chiefs’ huddled tightly together, taking orders from the quarterback, “Now, we’re in this to win this, boys! ‘Win’ on three. One, two…” The players bellowed back, “Win!” Their leader continued his quixotic rant, “Remember, lotta tempo, lotta tempo… Mix that cadence, alright?! We gotta use that cadence versus that blitz! Deuce right, nineteen slant on one!” One, en masse clap and the team immediately scrambled out of the huddle. Meanwhile, back in the booth, I was continuing to look absolutely amazing, while simultaneously giving off a “work and play” vibe, when suddenly, my girl leaped to her feet and started to wring her hands, rapt focus trained on the field below. It was right here that I noticed Gladys staring at her with pity. I had no idea what the troubled look was for, but the reason would soon prove to be not good at all. The focus on Gladys was interrupted by my girl, “And we’re off! Matt Durman in the gun… Kevin Cross right next to him… And… Everybody out! Durman pumps to… Huntley down the sideline! Huntley laterals to Burns!” Everyone jumped to their feet as if sucking on the fumes of my girl’s elation —  save for Gladys, still with the concerned gaze locked on her friend. “But why,” I wondered. My girl continued on, every part of her was caught up in this game, “Burns laterals it back to Huntley! Oh god! Can they catch him?! Oh god! Are you kidding me?! Oh god! Huntley! Oh god! Touchdown! Kansas City! Unbelievable! Touchdown! Heavens to Murgatroyd!” Gasping for breath, she muffled her microphone and motioned for Gladys to chime in “Come on. Earn your keep, lady.” Gladys would go on to earn her keep but the enthusiasm stopped at her voice for the face told a different tale entirely, “Eigh-ty-se-ven yards! Eleven seconds left! Right place, right time! Calvin Huntley touched down and Matt Durman helped him do it, folks! The game is over and the Chiefs, for the eighth year in a row, walk away, by the skin of their teeth, with the Vince Lombardi trophy!” The booth celebrated. My girl ripped the cans from her head and tossed  them onto the console. Excited and winded, she looked to Gladys confused, “What happened to you? You’re slippin’. Don’t tell me I’m gonna have to trade you in.” Suddenly, her focused shifted to six FBI agents busting through the doors! I should note, only four agents were assigned; the other two just wanted to attend the big game. In any case, they bee-lined for my girl, the lead agent uttering the words a garment such as myself did not need to hear, “Jemma Hopper, you’re under arrest for racketeering and promoting gambling in the second degree.”If my color had the ability to drain it would’ve. Naturally, the color did drain from my girl. She knew to look to one person and one person only. Gladys’ head was already shamefully bowed. It was awful. A years-long friendship disintegrated. Dust. The moment the agent slapped on the cuffs, my girl’s eyes welled with tears. She had only one simple question for her friend, “How could you, Glads?” Don’t get me wrong, she knew had broken the law, however, to have a confidant, someone she had trusted with everything, betray her on such a grand level? It was incomprehensible. Gladys had a simple rejoinder for the simple question, “They had me by the balls, Jem.” So, that’s it. That is why I am now sitting in a tasteful duffel, real gimcrack-like, waiting for my girl to serve out her 9 years and retrieve me. I’m also hoping she’ll impress the hell out of the parole board in 3 years so we can blow out of this joint early. And while I’m hoping upon hopes that she gets paroled, I’d be lying if I said I was opposed to her bustin’ out with a few of the ladies from cellblock 8 who’re planning an escape. The only problem with that scenario is the chances of her making a pit stop to pick my ass up are slim to none and this particular Balmain don’t wanna be thrown into the grabby bag for COs to sift through, if you know what I mean. On second thought, I’ll just pin my hopes on a stellar appearance in front of the board. *whispers* Gotta run! Someone’s coming!

DAVID WEBB JADE YELLOW GOLD EARRINGS

In ears on February 3, 2013 at 8:15am02

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1. If you could choose your accoutrements what would they be?

Right Earring: Okay, how are we going to do this? Left Earring: Well, since it appears we can only pick four items altogether, how about I pick two and you pick two? Right: Perfect. You go first. Left: Okay.

LEFT EARRING’S PICKS

The Albertus Swanepol ‘Harris’ hat and a GANT shirt.

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GANT shirt

RIGHT EARRING’S PICKS

A Mary Katrantzou, tulip skirt and the Barneys Co-op, T-strap sandal.

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Left: I like it. Right: Me too.

2. Assuming I wasn’t in the picture, what other person’s questions would you choose to answer?

Right: Judge Judy’s. We’re in need of a good humbling Left: We’ve been a little full of ourselves lately. Right: Hey, but in our defense, you slap a $22,000 price tag on something that’s not a car or a house and egos might get a little inflated. Left: Exactly.

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3. If you could be worn by anyone, whom would it be?

Right: Oh! Almost forgot! We have a message for you. Left: That’s right! Right: Considering the new developments in the Manti Te’o situation, the Alexander Wang, “Alla” wedge wants everyone to know its thoughts and prayers are with all involved. Left: Even the imaginary people. Right: The “Alla” had a similar situation with a pump and so… Left: We just wanted to relay that.

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4. Great. I’ll make a note. So, back to the question. If you could be worn by anyone, whom would it be?

Both: Yentl. Both: Ha! Jinx! Right:  So funny… Left: We do that a lot. Right: Anyway, it would specifically be the scene where Avigdor shows Yentl what’s really going on.  Left: Really sexy scene. Granted, our being there would raise many unwanted questions and basically destroy Yentl’s cover, but me personally, I’m dying to know exactly what Mandy’s working with. Right: What? Why’re you looking at us like that? Left: Yeah?

5. The film had a very poignant message beyond the sexual innuendo. I just find it sad you both can’t connect with its core. That’s it. Okay?

Right:  Are you kidding me? Isn’t that the whole point of the scene? Left:  Exactly.  Right:  Hell, isn’t that the whole point of “Yentl,” to make everybody, the audience included, lust after Mandy Patinkin?  Left: Because not only is he sexy… Right: But he has a voice like feathers dancing. Left: Sheesh, everyone’s a Puritan all of a sudden.

6. Right. What is the woman wearing you currently thinking about?

Left: Well, for starters, she’s lusting after us on the page of a magazine. Right: Remember, we’re $22,000, so… Left: And this is no disrespect to the ladies or David, but we tend to find the women who can actually afford us to be a little, say… Right: Rudimentary is the way I’d put it. Left: Yeah, I like that. Right: But it’s not their fault, and plus they have copious, copious amounts of cash on hand. They’ll be fine. Left: Just fine.

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7. So, what is the temporary woman thinking about, while taking a break from lusting after you?

Left: Well, for some reason we triggered something that started her thinking back to the time she and her best friend traveled, by bicycle, to their favorite Seal Beach haunt: Taco Bell… Right: Where they consumed pretty much everything on the menu while purposefully combing through People magazine in search of something of high importance. Left: Upon finding it, they stopped and stared. Right:  At a picture of Jerry Seinfeld pushing Shoshanna Lonstein on a swing. Left: My god… to be young again. Right: They had heard tell of their crush– Left: I mean! Crush?! Can believe it?! On a fully realized man, mind you! Right: Okay, calm down. Anyhow, they had heard tell of Jerry finding love with a young, zaftig beauty, but they didn’t believe it. Maybe a part of them didn’t want to. Left: But there the pictures were. Right: Provoking them. Challenging them. Shoshanna was older. Left: They were younger. Right: Her name was awesome Left: While theirs pedestrian. Right: She was Jewish. Left: They’d convert. Right: She had breasts the size of cantaloupes. Left: They’d pray for puberty to go balls out as soon as possible. Right: Nothing would stop them from making Jerry their own. The moment culminated with our girl saying the words every parent longs to hear their child say, “You know what this means?! We might have a chance with Jerry Seinfeld!” Left: Sitting at her desk, our girl cracked a smile as she ventured back to a time when one could actually, harmoniously share a crush with a best friend. Right: Absolutely zero fall out. Maybe because they both knew, deep down, this thing with Jerry had absolutely no legs. Imaginary, 38-year-old Jerry: It doesn’t! At all! And I’ll be the first one to tell you it doesn’t have legs! No legs! No legs whatsoever! There were never legs! Legs were never there! Left: It’s a look back, for Pete’s sake. You don’t even exist anymore so quit your crying. Imaginary, 38-year-0ld Jerry: Doesn’t matter! Also, I want no parts of this daydream! I also want no parts of the nightdream. Daydream, nightdream, doesn’t matter the dream because I want no parts of it! Left: Sorry about that. We’ll put a muzzle on him. Right: But getting back to the daydream… If they were one day going to co-opt Jerry, he would have to be okay with riding bikes down to the beach, feasting on Taco Supremes and churros… Left: Parent supervised visits to Nordstrom, and while moms browsed, he would stealthily stare at Maria Ramsey, drenched in make-up, while hawking MAC’s wares behind the counter. Right: Because Maria was in high school, and so pretty and very popular and a little mean. Left: Mind you, everything they weren’t. Right: And while they didn’t want to emulate her, they found her whole thing absolutely intoxicating. Left: Apres, stalking Maria, next, Jerry would have to be okay with traveling up the escalator to Brass Plum to log all the things to beg for on the trip down the escalator. He would also have to be fine with swimming until the skin on his feet pruned… Right: …daily viewings of “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” and “The Rachel Papers,” putting on flannel pajamas and sleeping on a massive pallet of pillows in the middle of the living room, making homemade virgin Marys… Left: Making himself sneeze with the help of toothpicks… Right: ..toilet papering the neighbors’ houses and finally, simply sitting on the curb, talking about whatever, as he ran a stick through the run-off  care of the Slip’N Slide next door. Left: In their minds, Jerry would happily do it all because he was kind and funny. Right: And really, really funny and so cute and, I guess, suddenly asexual once connecting up with them. Left: But all good things must come to an end, right? Right: Sadly. Left: Once the school year started, the crush on the comedian would be body slammed into nonexistence when Justin Pollard showed his face. Right: And rightly so. What was 5’1″, with glasses and scrawny, had miraculously sprouted to 5’10”, with contacts and a swimmer’s build. Left: And his balls apparently dropped because the voice was now that of a man. Right: Poor Jerry would find himself  placed on the shelf of adolescence, amongst the many other relics of two wild imaginations. Imaginary, 38-year-old Jerry: Good! And don’t ever muzzle me! People pay big money to hear my thing *grabs microphone/clears throat* I mean, what is. The dea– Left: And with the muzzle back where it belongs… Right: Back at the desk, fingers gripping the corner of our page, our girl didn’t notice that her smile had grown the width of her face, as she thought back to how silly she and the best friend used to be. Suddenly, her boss appeared, snapping her out of the daydream completely. Left:  Ooo… I just got a chill. Right: The boss, whom we’re not big fans of– Left: Not at all. Right: The boss held in his hand a document. Noticing the smile on our girl’s face, he asked in a judgemental, “I really do hate you but I should, at least, try to pretend I don’t” tone– Left: He was awful. And he had a body like a borogove: all legs, barely any torso. Right: Settle down. Left: Sorry. Right: S’okay. Anyhow, The boss asked, “What’s so funny?” In an attempt to connect for about the 4,987 time, our girl genuinely smiled and said, “Oh, it’s nothing.” Left: I really hate this part. Right: It’ll be okay just let me finish. Left: *sigh* Right: Anyway, our girl shored up some courage and started in on the reason behind the smile, “Oh, it’s nothing. I was just thinking about the time when I was really young and I had a crush on Jerry Seinfeld. He was dating someone young. I mean, she was way older than me but compared to him she was young. I can’t believe there was actually a time when I liked him. Out of all the people out there I could’ve imaginarily chosen, I chose Jerry Seinfeld!” Left: She was starting to spin and she knew it. We knew it. The armpits knew it. The upper lip beginning to palsy really knew it. Right: But more importantly, she could see she was losing the boss fast. Left: Not that she ever really had him. Right: That’s true. And for some reason, one that I’ll never be able to wrap my brain around, she continued on, “So, because he, Jerry, was dating someone younger, this actually made me think I had a chath– I mean a chance. I don’t know why I just said that. I’m weird. I’m not, but… weird. You know what I meaning. I mean, I meaneth. I mean, I mean! Anyway, the point I’m trying to make is, I thought that I maybe I had a chance with Jerry Seinself! I mean, Seinfeld. Anyway…” Left: It honestly never stops being dreadful no matter how many times we replay it. Right: She had hit bottom and the boss’ face told her so. At this point, the only hope was for the earth to open up and swallow her whole. Left: But since the earth clearly wasn’t on her side, our girl had no other choice but to carry it across the finish, “So, that’s pretty much what I was thinking about. Um… Jerry Seinfeld.” Right: The boss stared at her with a smile crossed with the look of tasting vomit, and simply said, “File this, please.” He then disappeared back into his office. Our girl’s amour-propre shot right out of her and rained back down a fierce insecurity. Left: How could one person, who doesn’t even truly know you, make you feel so worthless? What did she ever do to this man to illicit such bile-fueled energy? Right: Nothing, is the truth of the matter. Some people just smell weakness and have no other choice but to attack. Left: I guess. Humans are animal after all. Right: Lest you think anything different.

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8. So what happened next?

Right; She closed the magazine… Left: *sniffles* Thus, shutting us off from all further self-loathing. Right: There, there… I think back to that day… Left: So often. Right: I wish I could have told her to stand up, walk out the door and never turn back. Left:  Just leave because this man will ruin you. Someone ruined him and now he’s in it to pay it forward. Don’t wonder about the why are how.  Right: Or when. Just go, and leave it for the next one to figure out. Left: And they should leave too. Right: Agreed.

9. If your temporary woman were to read this, what would you like to tell her?

Right: We would leave her with a quote from Rachel “bastion of all that is fair and great” Maddow. Left: We love that Rachel. Right: Here it is: Humans are ambitious and rational and proud. And we don’t fall in line with people who don’t respect us and who we don’t believe have our best interest at heart. We are willing to follow leaders, but only to the extent that they call on our best, not our worst.

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