1. If you could style yourself what items would you choose as the accoutrements?
2. You are a self-declared Bible scholar. My question for you is, what is your favorite book?
It would have to be… hmmm… Let me think about this. …book, book, book, favorite book… It would have to be… Kevin. *Off of my squint* Steve? *off of my squint, head tilted back, mouth open* Final answer, Greg.
3. Oh my gosh! You’re a fraud! You’re a bona fide infidel! You don’t know the first thing about the Bible, do you?
I know enough to know that the real meat of this religion lies in why one would not choose to be possessed by the devil and so here’s a “best of” list for ya: horrible penmanship, saying nasty things to people you love, next level back bends, projectile vomiting and finally, lifting nice people, who are just there to help, from the ground, with your mind, and flinging them out of a second story window. Eh?
Now onto a few reasons why a person would choose to be possessed by the devil: Saying nasty things to people they hate under the stellar umbrella of being possessed by evil, saying “A number one, Animal style, please.” in a low, menacing growl, temporary bilingualism — of course the new language will probably be Latin. The devil’s second language is Latin, right? Either way, you’re bilingual. Now you get to converse with priests and linguists– …next level back bends, not having to go to work or school and finally, staying in bed all day. Am I right? Huh?
4. I don’t even know what to say. Okay, let’s just get this over with. What is a dream the woman wearing you is currently working on realizing?
She’s here on earth, living the righteous life while waiting for the day Jesus descends from the clouds, a la the Rapture, to let her know she’s the lone human decent enough to return to heaven with him. Upon their ascent, with her arms wrapped tightly around Christ’s neck – in a very non-sexual way of course. Not saying that Jesus isn’t sexy but there’s a time and a place. He’s in business mode and she knows that. Not that Jesus would ever do anything like that while not in business mode. Frankly, I’m not even sure the man has —
5. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Are you aware you’re quite deep into blasphemy territory?!
Um, in case you haven’t noticed, I’m a ring. Inanimate? Really, what’s he gonna do to me? Anyway, upon ascent and once high enough so the entire world can see her, my girl salutes everyone and leaves them with, “So long, sinning suckers! Good luck choosing between the devil and a guillotine!” In other news, the Bible — the Rapture to be exact — is some real next level sh–
6. Gah! Come on now! Some of us might still have a toe dipped in the Christian waters, not to mention plans of their own to return to the heavens on the first go round because having their head chopped off in some Helm’s Deep-type setting sounds like the opposite of fun. Do we understand each other?!
My bad. Wait a minute. What’s with the cat-o-nine-tails?
7. It’s called repentance. Something you clearly know nothing about. I need a minute. Do you mind?
Yeah, sure. Take your time.
15 MINUTES LATER…
Jesus Christ! What–
8. Where?! Has he returned?! Has he returned for the chosen?! Is he choosing me?!
No! That was in vain! My bad! I was just commenting on how you destroyed your back! Hey, stop doing that! For the love of God!
9. Where?! Where?!
No! That was just– Oh, nevermind.