1. If you could choose your accoutrements what would they be?
2. In your opinion, will we one day look back on the MLB doping crackdown as a form of McCarthyism?
What kind of question is that?
3. Well, you’re a baseball cap and so I figured… You know what? You’re right. I will strike it. K… Struck. If you could return as any person or thing what would it be?
That enfant terrible of the rap game, ASAP Rocky. Because he’s very cool and I’m hoping some of it will rub off on me. I’m not ashamed of that.
4. Are you Team Leroy or Team Rhoda?
I’d have to say, Team Leroy. Is brevity the soul of wit? Not to ol’ Leroy it ain’t.
5. You might or might not know this — I’m sure you don’t. You’re a Brit, after all. Anyway, Reince Priebus is the newly re-elected head of the U.S. Republican National Committee, all very uninteresting stuff to the fashion sect and so we won’t spend another moment on that. But we will spend a moment on the most important thing about Mr. Priebus and that is that his name is Reince Priebus. With this in mind, can you give me a fun scenario using Mr. Priebus’ amazing name?
Oh, this is great. Okay, let me set the scene. Young couple. On their honeymoon. She’s rich, driven and horrible while he felt it was time to make an honest woman out of her so he could stop working and live the good life. With that said, you get what you pay for, “I can’t believe I married such an idiot! How could you forget to pack my Reince Priebus?! But yet here we are on our honeymoon and I’m without it! Oh my god, I’m itching just thinking about it. I can’t go outside! I’m gonna have to stay in this horrible room the entire time because the sad excuse for flesh that I just married didn’t have enough bandwidth to check and make sure my Reince Priebuses were packed before we left on our honeymoon to a place thousands of miles from our home in the United States! Mummy was right! I married a lemon! I married a sad and stupid lemon!
6. Please, please tell me you have another one. Do you have another one?
7. I promise this is the last time I’ll ask. Please?
Okay. But this is it. I’m all out of creative juices. *deep breath* Two scientists. In a lab teeming with Bunsen burners and other lab-type things. They stare wide-eyed, almost frightened, into a small, glass container housing something that looks like a tiny, spinning Milky Way, “My god, what have we done?” “We’ve just created a Reince Priebus.” “They said it couldn’t be done.” “But we did it.” “Do you think in that container there are microscopic dung beetles using the Reince Priebus for navigational purposes? Ya know, since dung beetles here on earth use our Reince Priebus for navigational purposes?” “Focus, man.” “My apologies.” “If we lift this lid, our planet will be nothing more than a memory. The moment oxygen hits it there won’t be enough matter left to know we were ever even here.” “There’s only one thing to do.” “What’s that?” “Sell the Reince Priebus to Google for billions of dollars so we can peace-out of this thankless job and live like real Gs. Like Google Gs.” “That sounds fantastic but what if Google decides to lift the lid?” “You have a point. Shit…”
8. Do you have any parting words for the woman returning you to the store for the 3rd time because she can’t make up her mind?
I think Mr. Ingram put it pretty eloquently…
9. And if she should want you back?
Yah mo be there, of course.