1. If you could style yourself what would you choose as the accoutrements?
2. Is there a band name the band would deem very cool but in reality exists in that crowded space between “You’ve got to be kidding me” and “I can’t”?
Good King Wenceslas
3. What is the most interesting thought you’ve had as of late?
Dubai, the sweet little emirate dusted in gold and Maybachs, is actually located somewhere deep in Orlando and is the answer to the über wealthy’s collective plea, “We want to go to a suitable theme park without actually knowing we’re going to a suitable theme park. Make it happen. Chop chop. Pip pip.”
4.What is your favorite Snoop Dogg lyric?
“Hootin’ hollerin’ hollerin’ hootin’.”
5. If you could be worn by anyone whom would it be?
The college junior who has decided she will emulate Marion True of looted, Getty antiquities fame, however, unlike Marion, our girl will not wake up one day to find herself staring wide-eyed at a 3rd century A.D., Roman sarcophagus and wonder how the hell she got caught in this mondo jackpot. On the contrary, our girl will go forth with the full knowledge of what she will be embarking upon and will cover her bases every step of the way, going so far as to tell her Spring Sing committee she’s studying for the GMAT while telling her study group she has Spring Sing practice. To sell the lie she’ll give the study group a taste of some Spring Sing with, “There is nothin’ like a daaaaamm. Nothin’. Like. A daaammme…” and to the Spring Sing committee… well, she won’t say anything. After all, it’s the GMAT. Who would lie about that?
6.Where will she actually be?
She will either be at the Getty Villa committing to memory all of the amazing things many rubes travel from far and wide to “ooo-and-awe” only to return to their rube nests and brag to their friends who can’t afford such trips about all of the amazing things they “ooo’d-and-awe’d” while their friends internally roll their eyes or she’ll be with Claus, her septuagenarian, Polish mentor in his dark, dank office located just east of downtown Los Angeles in the industrial pocket known as Vernon. On this particular day, as she sets out down the hallway toward Claus’ office, running a hand along sweating walls – sweating as if they alone understand the severity of the crimes – she realizes that in her short life this is the only place she has ever connected with her authentic self. Upon entering the office she does not find Claus, instead she is met by her first solo acquisition, Vermeer’s “The Concert.” She realizes Claus’ absence is deliberate, the gift of solitude to bask in her great accomplishment. A smile creeps onto her face and as she studies the masterpiece she whispers to herself the words of Simon de Pury, “We are only guardians of these works during our lifetime and we can’t take them with us. So, if it’s a shorter time so what. It’s all in our head at the end of the day.”
Only one question remains for the college junior and that is, “What could they possibly be performing?”
The illustrious Mr. Howard Schatz.
9. This one again. Okay, assume I’ve shape-shifted into Mr. Schatz; how would you respond to the following?
a. The woman who wears you is told by her husband that he is leaving her for her best friend. Fueled by ire and disillusionment the woman murders the husband and best friend with a nail gun and uses you to wipe down the weapon and all surfaces in an effort to leave behind not a trace of evidence.
b. You happen upon a reenactment of the crime on”I (Almost) Got Away With It” and are none too happy with your re-creation.
c. You are put up for auction on ebay by the seller ‘Garments of a Murderess’ and sell for a whopping $123.876.00.