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Archive for May, 2012|Monthly archive page


In bits, Fran Lebowitz on May 30, 2012 at 8:15am05

1. If you could style yourself what would you choose as the accoutrements?

Like a flexed foot is to a modern jazz routine or a license plate with an American flag backdrop is to a monster truck inhabited by a driver who isn’t too keen on the existence of minorities or those in same-sex relationships, I am to my partner in crime, the Fleur of England  thong.

2. I recently ran into the Fleur of England brief and it had a few choice words for you. Would you care to comment?

Here’s the deal. Nothing likes being told it’s over but the fact of the matter is the thong gets me. Not only that, it gives me a sense of freedom, a bouquet of youth and careless abandon, which, unfortunately, is something full coverage could never accomplish and frankly, doesn’t really care to anymore.

3. Say I wasn’t in the picture, what other person’s questions would you answer?

Skip E. Lowe’s while being worn by Mamie Van Doren.

 4. If you had to pick a trousseau to appear in whose would you choose, a Currin or a Crumb?

Does Crumb‘s lot even know what a trousseau is? Definitely a Currin.

5. If you had one thing to say to your new owner what would it be?

*laughs hysterically* Get it?! I’m a delicate! I’m sorry, I couldn’t help it. You teed it up so nicely.

6. What is the woman wearing you currently daydreaming about?

How she rather be editing her short film about a 96-year-old man watching old, hand-cranked, 16 frames-per-second footage of himself and his first love frolicking on the beach set to Debussy’s “Claire de Lune.” This one’s fresh out of film school therefore everything she dreams up is ultra twee and precious. All of that aside, the poor thing’s daydreaming because she’s currently locked in a “16 and Pregnant” editing bay that smells like eggs because her boss thinks eating hot eggs in tiny, closed off spaces is fun for all involved.

7. The woman wearing you arrives at home after a long, hard day of making being sixteen and with child appear remotely awesome. What does she dream about after kicking off her shoes and falling onto the bed?

First things first, she’ll dip into an emergency stash of the potent Granddaddy Purple then kick off her shoes and fall onto the bed. After a few, much-needed imbibes, dreams won’t be necessary because she will naturally shrink down to the size of plankton and surf on Graydon Carter‘s hair. While he dines with Joad Cressbeckler. And Fran. And one more Joad. At Elaine’s. Naked.

8. *clears throat* Just out of curiosity, if one happened to be interested in this Grandaddy Purple you speak of where could one, let’s say, *clears throat* purchase it?

One should talk to Yohan over at Quick’s Stop-n-Go.

9. That’s east of here, right?

Yeah. Hey, where are you going? O-kay, I guess we’re done here.


In lower body on May 23, 2012 at 8:15pm05

1. If you could style yourself what would you choose as the accoutrements?

One pair of hands.

Uh huh…

2. What is every garment’s nightmare?

Items of the latex variety notwithstanding…

Thank you James Jean.

3. Upon your arrival to the retail floor, what words do you have for all other garments throwing you, “Bitches think they’re so fly” shade?

4. Is there a certain point in time you would’ve liked to exist?

I have a kind of seventies flare and so I would have to choose 1974.

5. Why 1974 specifically?

It would’ve been pret-ty interesting to witness Bachman Turner Overdrive and their attempt to make stuttering happen.

6. Who is the woman wearing you looking to date?

A carpenter from “Cupcake Wars.”

7. What is a sad moment you’ve recently witnessed?

A high school senior asking her best friend if she knows “where” Sandra Day O’Connor is as opposed to “who.” Same goes for MLK, Frank Lloyd Wright and the other many greats whose legacies have been relegated to only being referenced when a queen bee is trying to locate the new Forever 21.

8. In your opinion what is the best moment in cinematic history?


9. In your opinion, who is the best movie villain – and by “best” I mean most abhorrent – to ever grace the silver screen?

The audience that doesn’t understand the genius that is Sexual Chocolate.


In Howard Schatz, upper body on May 14, 2012 at 8:15pm05

1. If you could style yourself what would you choose as the accoutrements?

Prabal Gurung shorts, Aperlai suede & leather sandals, the Jane Taylor Millinery fascinator and a Helmut Lang clutch.

2. Is there a band name the band would deem very cool but in reality exists in that crowded space between “You’ve got to be kidding me” and “I can’t”?

Good King Wenceslas

3. What is the most interesting thought you’ve had as of late?

Dubai, the sweet little emirate dusted in gold and Maybachs, is actually located somewhere deep in Orlando and is the answer to the über wealthy’s collective plea, “We want to go to a suitable theme park without actually knowing we’re going to a suitable theme park. Make it happen. Chop chop. Pip pip.”

4.What is your favorite Snoop Dogg lyric?

“Hootin’ hollerin’ hollerin’ hootin’.”

5. If you could be worn by anyone whom would it be?

The college junior who has decided she will emulate Marion True of looted, Getty antiquities fame, however, unlike Marion, our girl will not wake up one day to find herself staring wide-eyed at a 3rd century A.D., Roman sarcophagus and wonder how the hell she got caught in this mondo jackpot. On the contrary, our girl will go forth with the full knowledge of what she will be embarking upon and will cover her bases every step of the way, going so far as to tell her Spring Sing committee she’s studying for the GMAT while telling her study group she has Spring Sing practice. To sell the lie she’ll give the study group a taste of some Spring Sing with, “There is nothin’ like a daaaaamm. Nothin’. Like. A daaammme…” and to the Spring Sing committee… well, she won’t say anything. After all, it’s the GMAT. Who would lie about that?

6.Where will she actually be?

She will either be at the Getty Villa committing to memory all of the amazing things many rubes travel from far and wide to “ooo-and-awe” only to return to their rube nests and brag to their friends who can’t afford such trips about all of the amazing things they “ooo’d-and-awe’d” while their friends internally roll their eyes or she’ll be with Claus, her septuagenarian, Polish mentor in his dark, dank office located just east of downtown Los Angeles in the industrial pocket known as Vernon. On this particular day, as she sets out down the hallway toward Claus’ office, running a hand along sweating walls – sweating as if they alone understand the severity of the crimes – she realizes that in her short life this is the only place she has ever connected with her authentic self. Upon entering the office she does not find Claus, instead she is met by her first solo acquisition, Vermeer’s “The Concert.”  She realizes Claus’ absence is deliberate, the gift of solitude to bask in her great accomplishment. A smile creeps onto her face and as she studies the masterpiece she whispers to herself the words of Simon de Pury, “We are only guardians of these works during our lifetime and we can’t take them with us. So, if it’s a shorter time so what. It’s all in our head at the end of the day.”

Only one question remains for the college junior and that is, “What could they possibly be performing?”

8. Making believe I wasn’t in the picture, what other person’s questions would you agree to answer?

The illustrious Mr. Howard Schatz.

9. This one again. Okay, assume I’ve shape-shifted into Mr. Schatz; how would you respond to the following?

a. The woman who wears you is told by her husband that he is leaving her for her best friend. Fueled by ire and disillusionment the woman murders the husband and best friend with a nail gun and uses you to wipe down the weapon and all surfaces in an effort to leave behind not a trace of evidence.

b. You happen upon a reenactment of the crime on”I (Almost) Got Away With It” and are none too happy with your re-creation.

c. You are put up for auction on ebay by the seller ‘Garments of a Murderess’ and sell for a whopping $123.876.00.



In all over on May 8, 2012 at 8:15pm05

1. If you could style yourself what items would you choose as the accoutrements?

A Rachel Comey barrel hat, a pair of Tabitha Simmons loafers, Kurt Geiger ‘Sarah’ sunglasses and Kurt Geiger ‘Thea’ string bracelets.

2. If you could return as any person or thing what would it be?

A film title that moonlights as dialogue. Or is it the other way around?

3. What is your most recent interesting thought?

I wonder how Charles Laughton would feel about half of Hollywood’s female population attempting to recreate his lips on their faces.

4. In your opinion, who is the best movie villain – and by best I mean most abhorrent – to ever grace the silver screen?

 Dolly Messiter from “Brief Encounters.”

5. Is there a quote all should keep close when choosing to invite others into their lives?

“You can buy friends by letting them control you, but you will have to keep them the same way you obtained them.” –Joyce Meyer

6. If you could be reimagined by any artist whom would it be?

Chef Ferran Adrià. Picture it. Me by way of liquid nitrogen and alginates.

7. Going into this presidential campaign season, what is something you would like to see that has never been done before?

I would love it if during the debates, candidates would retort by simply saying, “The opposite of what you just said.”

8. What is your favorite error of redundancy?

Joint collaboration.

9. If you could be worn by anyone whom would it be?

The beautiful and broken creature whom after being put out to pasture by her married beau of 20 years takes the nest egg he left her with, purchases me and hires the Jan Vullo chamber orchestra to go on a special mission. Together we arrive at and refuse to acknowledge the maître d’ of the Michelin 3-star establishment and move straight to the table of her ex-beau and his wife where we proceed to bring to a close their “This is positively suburb!” love affair with the claret paired mung bean tarte tartin topped with a stone fruit reduction and pastis infused foam. Don’t ask. Before those looking on can comprehend what the hell is going on, the Jan Vullo orchestra and the beautiful woman – tears nesting in her eyes and a voice like velvet – begin…