1. If you could style yourself what would you choose as the accoutrements?
Like a flexed foot is to a modern jazz routine or a license plate with an American flag backdrop is to a monster truck inhabited by a driver who isn’t too keen on the existence of minorities or those in same-sex relationships, I am to my partner in crime, the Fleur of England thong.
2. I recently ran into the Fleur of England brief and it had a few choice words for you. Would you care to comment?
Here’s the deal. Nothing likes being told it’s over but the fact of the matter is the thong gets me. Not only that, it gives me a sense of freedom, a bouquet of youth and careless abandon, which, unfortunately, is something full coverage could never accomplish and frankly, doesn’t really care to anymore.
3. Say I wasn’t in the picture, what other person’s questions would you answer?
Skip E. Lowe’s while being worn by Mamie Van Doren.
5. If you had one thing to say to your new owner what would it be?
*laughs hysterically* Get it?! I’m a delicate! I’m sorry, I couldn’t help it. You teed it up so nicely.
6. What is the woman wearing you currently daydreaming about?
How she rather be editing her short film about a 96-year-old man watching old, hand-cranked, 16 frames-per-second footage of himself and his first love frolicking on the beach set to Debussy’s “Claire de Lune.” This one’s fresh out of film school therefore everything she dreams up is ultra twee and precious. All of that aside, the poor thing’s daydreaming because she’s currently locked in a “16 and Pregnant” editing bay that smells like eggs because her boss thinks eating hot eggs in tiny, closed off spaces is fun for all involved.
7. The woman wearing you arrives at home after a long, hard day of making being sixteen and with child appear remotely awesome. What does she dream about after kicking off her shoes and falling onto the bed?
First things first, she’ll dip into an emergency stash of the potent Granddaddy Purple then kick off her shoes and fall onto the bed. After a few, much-needed imbibes, dreams won’t be necessary because she will naturally shrink down to the size of plankton and surf on Graydon Carter‘s hair. While he dines with Joad Cressbeckler. And Fran. And one more Joad. At Elaine’s. Naked.
8. *clears throat* Just out of curiosity, if one happened to be interested in this Grandaddy Purple you speak of where could one, let’s say, *clears throat* purchase it?
One should talk to Yohan over at Quick’s Stop-n-Go.
9. That’s east of here, right?
Yeah. Hey, where are you going? O-kay, I guess we’re done here.