clean retina

CATHERINE MALANDRINO CROCHET CUTOUT SWIMSUIT

In bits on May 16, 2011 at 8:15pm05

1. What is a conclusion oftentimes reached when it comes to you?

That I’m non-inclusive. That by merely being I’m somehow shutting certain people out and that’s just not true. It’s like they see something that’s only drawn to a certain kind of person — taut, toned… twenty. But — Ah, never mind. I’m hearing myself talk and I sound like this victim, which I’m not. Far from it, in fact.

2. If you could style yourself what would be the accoutrements?

A Stella McCartney blazer, Stella McCartney trousers, Givenchy leather sandals and a Cacharel clutch.

3.  What is a dream you’re working on realizing?

Being the final layer in the striptease wardrobe belonging to the 50-something, married mother of 3 who is rendezvousing at the Comfort Inn with her first and only female kiss. It was freshman year when they shared one fleeting moment in the sprawl of wheat behind the dorms, the only witness a waning moon. From that day, followed by 3 marriages, 7 kids, 26 science fairs, 1 divorce, 2 Subaru Outbacks, 6 hamsters, 2 collies and 1 tummy tuck, each hasn’t been able to get the other off their mind.

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4. Is there a particular song she’s stripteasing to?

The same song that any woman or man planning on stripteasing must striptease to,  Ledisi’s rendition of “Blues in the Night.”

5. If you could choose to be reimagined by another artist whom would it be?

Georgia O’Keefe.

6. If you could choose a mentor in life whom would it be?

Betty Friedan. How can you go wrong with the person who said, “No woman gets an orgasm from shining the kitchen floor”?

7. If not you then what?

In the spirit of experiencing true oppression, a bathing dress circa 1850.

8. What is something that you would like to soon see retire?

Pageant moms who, in addition to waxing their 8-year-olds and supplying them with botox injections to quell the dimples, lie about waxing their 8-year-olds and supplying them with botox injections to quell the dimples. What is going on?! It’s no longer about the gender as a whole taking a collective step back for I fear they’re beyond that and now aimlessly walking into walls. Bedouins searching for a purpose, a place to rest their heads yet nothing feels right. Every mattress seems to have a pea underneath. All the while, there’s this voice chirping orders, “Get a job. Stay at home. Now get a job. Be sexy. Now be an intellectual. You better know what you’re doing with that nipple clamp. Head the PTA. Whatever you do, don’t turn forty. If you turn forty smile and act like it’s the greatest thing that’s ever happened. Run for office. Don’t let on that your uterus feels like it might be imploding once a month. Fight the power. Celebrate your curves! Three weeks ’til a slimmer you! Swing, moods! Vagazzle the  leftover hair down there that’s been waxed into the shape of Montana. Run a Fortune 500. Read a bedtime story. Keep a straight face when discovering he’s carrying on with a 22-year-old Ecuadorian man named Nector. Make sure that beurre blanc is well emulsified. And lastly, save the world while mastering the exact cadence of a hummer. No, not the obnoxious vehicle.” Enough is enough! Whatever happened to just being?!

9. Is it really worth it to wax the hair down there into the shape of Montana? I only ask because I’d imagine the lower left corner would be quite — How should I put this? — challenging.

It’s been an extreme pleasure but this interview’s over. Jackass.

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