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Archive for May, 2011|Monthly archive page


In bits on May 16, 2011 at 8:15pm05

1. What is a conclusion oftentimes reached when it comes to you?

That I’m non-inclusive. That by merely being I’m somehow shutting certain people out and that’s just not true. It’s like they see something that’s only drawn to a certain kind of person — taut, toned… twenty. But — Ah, never mind. I’m hearing myself talk and I sound like this victim, which I’m not. Far from it, in fact.

2. If you could style yourself what would be the accoutrements?

A Stella McCartney blazer, Stella McCartney trousers, Givenchy leather sandals and a Cacharel clutch.

3.  What is a dream you’re working on realizing?

Being the final layer in the striptease wardrobe belonging to the 50-something, married mother of 3 who is rendezvousing at the Comfort Inn with her first and only female kiss. It was freshman year when they shared one fleeting moment in the sprawl of wheat behind the dorms, the only witness a waning moon. From that day, followed by 3 marriages, 7 kids, 26 science fairs, 1 divorce, 2 Subaru Outbacks, 6 hamsters, 2 collies and 1 tummy tuck, each hasn’t been able to get the other off their mind.


4. Is there a particular song she’s stripteasing to?

The same song that any woman or man planning on stripteasing must striptease to,  Ledisi’s rendition of “Blues in the Night.”

5. If you could choose to be reimagined by another artist whom would it be?

Georgia O’Keefe.

6. If you could choose a mentor in life whom would it be?

Betty Friedan. How can you go wrong with the person who said, “No woman gets an orgasm from shining the kitchen floor”?

7. If not you then what?

In the spirit of experiencing true oppression, a bathing dress circa 1850.

8. What is something that you would like to soon see retire?

Pageant moms who, in addition to waxing their 8-year-olds and supplying them with botox injections to quell the dimples, lie about waxing their 8-year-olds and supplying them with botox injections to quell the dimples. What is going on?! It’s no longer about the gender as a whole taking a collective step back for I fear they’re beyond that and now aimlessly walking into walls. Bedouins searching for a purpose, a place to rest their heads yet nothing feels right. Every mattress seems to have a pea underneath. All the while, there’s this voice chirping orders, “Get a job. Stay at home. Now get a job. Be sexy. Now be an intellectual. You better know what you’re doing with that nipple clamp. Head the PTA. Whatever you do, don’t turn forty. If you turn forty smile and act like it’s the greatest thing that’s ever happened. Run for office. Don’t let on that your uterus feels like it might be imploding once a month. Fight the power. Celebrate your curves! Three weeks ’til a slimmer you! Swing, moods! Vagazzle the  leftover hair down there that’s been waxed into the shape of Montana. Run a Fortune 500. Read a bedtime story. Keep a straight face when discovering he’s carrying on with a 22-year-old named Nector. Make sure that beurre blanc is well emulsified. And lastly, save the world while mastering the exact cadence of a hummer. No, not the obnoxious vehicle.” Enough is enough! Whatever happened to just being?!

9. Is it really worth it to wax the hair down there into the shape of Montana? I only ask because I’d imagine the lower left corner would be quite — How should I put this? Is it challenging?

It’s been an extreme pleasure but this interview’s over. Jackass.


In upper body on May 12, 2011 at 8:15pm05

1. What is something about you one would never guess?

I’m a neurotic shut-in. I had a past, okay? But, I cleaned up that past and so here I am.

2. Overrated?

Being iry, leaving the house, surfboards, placebo effects and the following color combination…

3. If not you then what?

Asking me that is like asking a millipede which leg it sets off on.

4. If you could style yourself what would be the accoutrements?

Have we met?

5. We asked a few of your old friends – flip-flops, chapped lips, the bikini top, peeling nose, Sex Wax and cut-off denim shorts – what your favorite song was back in the day and they all came back with the same answer. What do you think it was?

Man, even I can’t get mad at this question. The one and only, cue the steel drum… *sings* Bitty bitty bong bong bitty bong bong bitty bong bong bitty beng. Bong bong bitty bong bong… Good ol’ Eek-A-Mouse. Gotta love the guy. Wow, that really took me back to a simpler time. A lot of fun we all had together. Clearly, I couldn’t handle most of it which is why I had to make some pretty strict changes but still… *sigh* Wow, I haven’t thought about those days in years.

6. Are you okay?

Oh yeah. I’ll be fine. Can you just excuse me? One moment.

2 hours later…

7. Whoa! Don’t fall. You were gone for quite a while. Is something burning?

I’m staaaaarivin’, maaaan! You starvin’? I’m starvin’? I have a taste for some super spicy, super cheesy *pause* super spicy Frito-Lays.

8. Do you think it’s such a good idea for you to climb up there?

Totally. This is the only way to keep your exoskeleton from tryin’ to read your mind. Plus, I can’t  be down there with all the semicolons turning on each other.

9.  Should I put a call into your sponsor?



In top on May 9, 2011 at 8:15pm05

1. If you could style yourself what would be the accoutrements?

A Rochas satin full skirt, a Malene Birger two-pocket knit, Pierre Hardy wedges and a pair of Coralia Leets gray pearl earrings.

2. Is there a pose an autobiographical fashion blogger should never leave home without?

A pigeon toe, incurve variant, when posing for pictures.

3. What is the perfect way to spend the day?

Tinigua National Park located in the Colombian Amazon, atop the head of an ornithologist who has recently started coming up with cartoon submissions for The New Yorker as a way to pass the time while waiting for the ever elusive Salvin’s Curassow to appear.

4. Can you give us a sample of her work?

Sure. It’s akin to this sort of haunting, “Po-hic. Po ho ho hoo… Po-hic. Po ho ho hoo… Po-hic. Po —

5.  I was thinking more in terms of the ornithologist’s cartoon submissions. Can you give us a sample of her work?

Oh. Slight misunderstanding. With that said,  it feels like a betrayal. Then again, it appears no one actually visits this site;  therefore, what will really be the harm, right? I should be fine, right?

6. Are you going to give me the sample or not?

Fine. Against my better judgment, here you go: A cow unknowingly samples the milk of her clone. The caption reads, “This tastes familiar.”

7. If not you then what?

The Etro suede safari hat.

8. If you were to ever pen an autobiography what would be the title?

“The Hat Who Didn’t Know Enough”

9.  If you could choose to return as any person or thing what would it be?

Sam Elliot’s smirk.


In feet on May 4, 2011 at 8:15pm05

1.What are you feeling at the moment?

Loafer:                               Mary Jane:

As if  — That was directed — I beg to —            A little — That was for me  — I don’t  —

2.  I see we might have  a problem going forward. Let’s start with the Mary Jane. What are you feeling at the moment?


3. Loafer?

Encroached upon.

4. Loafer, if you could style yourself what would be the accoutrements?

Vanessa Bruno woven shorts, Theyskens’ Theory ‘Jago’ satin blazer, a Splendid cotton T-shirt and Topshop pointelle ankle socks.

5. Mary Jane, same question.

Because I consider myself to take life a little less seriously than let’s say a… loafer, I’d have to go with the Lela Rose silk-organza skirt, a Preen cropped cardigan,  a Zero + Maria Cornejo multi strap bandeau and an Odile Gilbert hair pin.

6. The U.S. presidential campaign season is fresh out of the gate. Loafer, you’re running for president; why do you deserve my vote?

It was sometime in the 1930s when my Norwegian ancestors decided to go forth and spread the news of their existence to the rest of the continent. A fateful encounter with an American would bring them here to these united states and into the hearts and minds of New Hampshire’s Spaulding family. After much painstaking development and hard work, the Spauldings would bear a shoe and they would call it “the loafer.” I’d go on to become a fixture amongst sects so diverse they would include the landed gentry,  housewives, businessmen, prepsters and Michael Jackson. It is the ability to transition smoothly from leisure to business at a moment’s notice I believe will make me the perfect candidate to lead this country. And so in closing, with socks or without, the choice will always be yours. Thank you and God bless America. Oh! One more thing. I’d also reinstate the Glass-Steagall Act. Okay, now I’m done.

7. Mary Jane, why do I want you as the leader of the free world?

Well, the previous answer’s a pretty tough act to follow but I’ll try. *deep breath* As God as my witness, I will not rest until every person of this great land has a reality show, clothing line, bag line, capsule collection, CD dropping, jazz hands, bun in the oven, Facebook page, cookbook, blog, narcolepsy, kleptomania, a slight cold and Twitter happy trigger fingers… or is it trigger happy Twitter fingers?

Loafer: You see what I have to deal with? Nothing’s ever taken seriously.

Mary Jane: So I should emulate you, a shoe let’s not forget, and answer the question honestly.

Loafer: Hey, Sarah Palin came this close. FranklyI think you’re just insecure because you were inspired by Buster Brown’s sister. I mean, how far down on the totem pole does one have to travel in order for their moniker to be that of a secondary comic strip character?

8. It’s clear there’s some tension. Where do you go from here? Loafer, you first.

Loafer: It’s hard for me to say, honestly.

Mary Jane: Seems to me like you had no problem.

Loafer: This is every second of the day, mind you. Other times it’s downright caustic.

Mary Jane: Come on! That was funny!

Loafer: It’s not like I can get away from it. I don’t think it’s too much to ask for a little space every now and again, but who am I?

Mary Jane: A loafer who loves to play the victim. Look, we just have two very different ways of looking at the world. Mine’s not uptight, while the loafer’s… well, let’s just say a night with a pro might not be a bad idea.

Loafer: Charming. Anyway, I can’t help but think the brain trust behind our conception got a little chuckle after relishing in the completion of the  finished product. At last, however, we’re not just things to be toyed with, mashed together on a fleeting whim like some Girl Talk creation. These are individual lives you’re dealing with. Actual lives.

Mary Jane: First of all, Girl Talk is amazing. Secondly, I’m just afraid SJP won’t wanna wear me with this monkey on my back.

Loafer: SJ —  Monkey?! Okay, that’s it!

9. Should I break this up?

Loafer:              Mary Jane:

NO!                  Gaahhh!