1. If you could style yourself what would you choose as the accoutrements?

Like a flexed foot is to a modern jazz routine or a license plate with an American flag backdrop is to a monster truck inhabited by a driver who isn’t too keen on the existence of minorities or those in same sex relationships, I am to my partner in crime, the Fleur of England  thong.

2. I recently ran into the Fleur of England brief and it had a few choice words for you. Would you care to comment?

Here’s the deal, nothing likes being told it’s over but the fact of the matter is the thong gets me. Not only that, it gives me a sense of freedom, a bouquet of youth and careless abandon, which, unfortunately, is something full coverage could never accomplish and frankly, doesn’t really care to anymore.

2. Say I wasn’t in the picture, what other person’s questions would you answer?

Skip E. Lowe’s while being worn by Mamie Van Doren.

 3. If you had to pick a trousseau to appear in whose would you choose, a Currin or a Crumb?

Does Crumb‘s lot even know what a trousseau is? Definitely a Currin.

5. If you had one thing to say to your new owner what would it be?

*laughs hysterically* Get it?! I’m a delicate! I’m sorry, I couldn’t help it. You teed it up so nicely.

6. What is the woman wearing you currently daydreaming about?

How she rather be editing her short film about a 96-year-old man watching old, hand-cranked, 16 frames-per-second footage of himself and his first love frolicking on the beach set to Debussy’s “Claire de Lune.” This one’s fresh out of film school therefore everything she dreams up is ultra twee and precious. All of that aside, the poor thing’s daydreaming because she’s currently locked in a “16 and Pregnant” editing bay that smells like eggs because her boss thinks eating hot eggs in tiny, closed off spaces is fun for all involved.

7. The woman wearing you arrives at home after a long, hard day of making being sixteen and with child appear remotely awesome and decides to forget all of her woes by dipping into an emergency stash of Granddaddy Purple. After a few, much needed imbibes, what is she daydreaming about?

Shrinking herself down to the size of plankton and surfing on Graydon Carter‘s hair. While he dines with Joad Cressbeckler. And Fran Lebowitz. And one more Joad Cressbeckler. At Elaine’s. Naked.

8. *clears throat* Just out of curiosity, if one happened to be interested in this Grandaddy Purple you speak of where could one, let’s say, *clears throat* purchase it?

One should talk to Yohan over at Quick’s Stop-n-Go.

9. That’s east of here, right?

Yeah. Hey, where are you going? O-kay…  I guess we’re done.

1. If you could style yourself what would you choose as the accoutrements?

One pair of hands.

Uh huh…

2. What is every garment’s nightmare?

Items of the latex variety notwithstanding…

Thank you James Jean.

3. Upon your arrival to the retail floor, what words do you have for all other garments throwing you, “Bitches think they’re so fly” shade?

4. Is there a certain point in time you would’ve liked to exist?

I have a kind of 70′s flare and so I would have to choose 1974.

5. Why 1974 specifically?

It would’ve been pret-ty interesting to witness Bachman Turner Overdrive and their attempt to make stuttering happen.

6. Who is the woman wearing you looking to date?

A carpenter from “Cupcake Wars.”

7. What is a sad moment you’ve recently witnessed?

A high school senior asking her best friend if she knows “where” Sandra Day O’Conn0r is as opposed to “who.” Same goes for MLK, Frank Lloyd Wright and the other many greats whose legacies have been relegated to only being referenced when a queen bee is trying to locate the new Forever 21.

8. In your opinion what is the best moment in cinematic history?

Feast…

9. In your opinion, who is the best movie villain – and by best I mean most abhorrent – to ever grace the silver screen?

The audience who doesn’t understand the genius that is Sexual Chocolate.

1. If you could style yourself what would you choose as the accoutrements?

Prabal Gurung shorts, Aperlai suede & leather sandals, a Nigel Rayment hat and a Helmut Lang clutch.

2. Is there a band name the band would deem very cool but in reality exists in that crowded space between “You’ve got to be kidding me” and ”I can’t”?

Good King Wenceslas

3. What is the most interesting thought you’ve had as of late?

Dubai, the sweet little emirate dusted in gold and Maybachs, is actually located somewhere deep in Orlando and is the answer to the uber wealthy’s collective plea, “We want to go to a suitable theme park without actually knowing we’re going to a suitable theme park. Make it happen. Chop chop. Pip pip.”

4.What is your favorite Snoop Dogg lyric?

“Hootin’ hollerin’ hollerin’ hootin’.”

5. If you could be worn by anyone whom would it be?

The college junior who has decided she will emulate Marion True of looted, Getty antiquities fame, however, unlike Marion, our girl will not wake up one day to find herself staring wide-eyed at a 3rd century A.D., Roman sarcophagus and wonder how the hell she got caught in this mondo jackpot. On the contrary, our girl will go forth with the full knowledge of what she will be embarking upon and will cover her bases every step of the way, going so far as to tell her Spring Sing committee she’s studying for the GMAT while telling her study group she has Spring Sing practice. To sell the lie she’ll give the study group a taste of some Spring Sing with, “There is nothin’ like a daaaaamm. Nothin’. Like. A daaammme…” and to the Spring Sing committee… well, she won’t say anything. After all, it’s the GMAT. Who would lie about that?

6.Where will she actually be?

She will either be at the Getty Villa committing to memory all of the amazing things many rubes travel from far and wide to “ooo-and-awe” only to return to their rube nests and brag to their friends who can’t afford such trips about all of the amazing things they “ooo’d-and-awe’d” while their friends internally roll their eyes or she’ll be with Claus, her septigaernian, Polish mentor in his dark, dank office located just east of downtown Los Angeles in the industrial pocket known as Vernon. On this particular day, as she sets out down the hallway toward Claus’ office, running a hand along sweating walls – sweating as if they alone understand the severity of the crimes – she realizes that in her short life this is the only place she has ever connected with her authentic self. Upon entering the office she does not find Claus, instead she is met by her first solo acquisition, Vermeer’s “The Concert.”  She realizes Claus’ absence is deliberate, the gift of solitude to bask in her great accomplishment. A smile creeps onto her face and as she studies the masterpiece she whispers to herself the words of Simon de Pury, “We are only guardians of these works during our lifetime and we can’t take them with us. So, if it’s a shorter time so what. It’s all in our head at the end of the day.”

Only one question remains for the college junior and that is, “What could they possibly be performing?”

9. This one again. Okay, assume I’ve shape-shifted into Mr. Schatz; how would you respond to the following?

a. The woman who wears you is told by her husband that he is leaving her for her best friend. Fueled by ire and disillusionment the woman murders the husband and best friend with a nail gun and uses you to wipe down the weapon and all surfaces in an effort to leave behind not a trace of evidence.

b. You happen upon a reenactment of the crime on”I (Almost) Got Away With It” and are none too happy with your re-creation.

c. You are put up for auction on ebay by the seller ‘Garments of a Murderess’ and sell for a whopping $123.876.00.

a.b.c.